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FromTheHeart 04-10-18 06:52 PM

My life is over
 
A few weeks ago I was infected with influenza. Normally, a person with poor health like me would die. But that didn't happen. Very strange, healthy and strong people have died of influenza this year and somebody like me survives. Totally incomprehensible. I wish i could trade places with them.

And now my chronic issues (M.E., C.O.P.D., G.A.D., clinical depression) have become worse. My body is broken, I am exhausted, not able to do anything around the house without gasping for air. How long and how much more will I have to go through? It is just one thing after another. This is not life this is hell. That is why I fantasize about going somewhere quiet and take my own life. Then I will be released from this life and I can finally be at peace. No more suffering, no more pain, no more adversity, just peace and tranquility.

angie 04-10-18 08:08 PM

Hey there. I have been thinking of you lately given I have been posting my issues as well. I so hate it that you hurt and continue to hurt so much. I can definitely relate to those feelings of wanting to trade spaces with someone. I sometimes think the most evil people in the world can be so healthy and here I sit with all these medical problems. I don't know. I can totally relate to your feelings right now but you already know this given the time we have spent supporting each other in this forum. Are we old timers here now or what?

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

FromTheHeart 04-12-18 04:56 PM

Hi angie, thank you for the kind words and hugs. But I really don't deserve it. Because I am a horrible failure. I failed to make use of everything I had been given. My life and health were ruined. Beyond repair. And I hurt loved ones in the process. I am disgusted with myself. It would be best to end my life so the memory of it can be erased. But I don't have the courage to do it. I wish I had never been born in first place. :frown::frown::frown:

MercyCome 04-13-18 03:41 AM

I suffer chronic pain too, and also have trouble getting around without running out of air. I'm on a enough medication to kill an elephant, but I'm still suffering badly. I desperately want to die but am here only because I have children. (many days this still doesn't keep me from the edge). I don't have any answers for you, but I offer you a hug. If you ever have any tips that help you with your pain, please do share, because I don't how to live with pain either. :(

midnightphoenix 04-13-18 01:56 PM

FromTheHeart you're not a failure :hug:

angie 04-13-18 07:23 PM

Me again

Awww FromTheHeart, us longer time posters who have seen your posts and been with you all love ya. You have tremendously helped many folks in here. You are not a failure.

I hope you can do something good for yourself tonight. :hug::hug:

FromTheHeart 04-15-18 08:55 AM

Thanks everybody for your kind words. But if you knew the truth, you wouldnít be so lenient.

Looking back on my life, I missed a lot of opportunities/experiences. I now understand situations/events that at the time I didnít. Because of my poor social skills. Or sometimes I didnít dare engaging with people because of low self-esteem. I always thought I had to perform 100% and be perfect to be worthy. It never occurred to me people could be interested in me regardless.

Also I made poor decisions in study/career and physical health. But because the effects were not that evident right from the start, I wasnít alarmed immediately. The first sign was unrestful sleep which got worse as the years progressed.So gradually in a few years time my life and health were ruined. And all my hopes and dreams were crushed.Despite all efforts to turn the tide, things never improved. If anything, it got worse. :frown:

So, I guess my demise was caused by a number of things. Lack of self esteem, chronic anxiety, lack of the right exercise(which was probably the most important), the kissing disease(which probably caused M.E. and C.O.P.D), poor professional/career choices, autism and medical incompetence. I am probably forgetting something but these are the main causes.

Sometimes in my mind I go back and do things differently. Then life would open up, I would be the person I could be. I would be happy, healthy, energetic, funny, loved, cared for and I could progress in life like a normal person. But then I snap out of it and see the reality. And I cry bitter tears or just cringe. I am so ashamed. I could have had a normal happy life like everybody else but I became this chronically ill freak. With my life in ruins, my hopes and dreams crushed, there is nothing left. All I have are memories that cause pain, embarassement and depression. :frown:

Maybe there is somebody out there, who reads this and can learn from my story.

FromTheHeart 04-15-18 02:14 PM

Edit
 
Quote:

Looking back on my life, I missed a lot of opportunities/experiences.

That started around the time my health started to deteriorate. Around the age of 20. Apart from that growing up was ok. My childhood was fine. I was a normal average person, I did ok in school, played sports, spend time with classmates, went on holidays etc. For me something to be grateful for.

Quote:

All I have are memories that cause pain, embarassement and depression. :frown:
So this is not entirely true. Like I said my childhood was fine. The statement above refers to the time my problems began.

Just adding a little perspective here.

FromTheHeart 04-17-18 05:34 PM

Worst epidemic since WW2
 
This is crazy. This years influenza epidemic, apparently, is the worst since WW2. Even though I am still suffering many weeks after I got infected, nobody would give a dime for my chances. I have no physical stamina, I am very skinny, weak and depressed etc. I am, what experts would say, extremely high risk. And yet there are stories of people who have passed away after getting infected. Such tragedies. They were young, vibrant, healthy, beautiful. I am the mirror opposite. How come I am still alive and they are not? I don't understand. It is incomprehensible. I wish it was the other way around. :frown:

tigerlover 04-18-18 10:19 AM

i do agree wit midnight and angie...in my eyes nobody is and can be a failure because it takes you down a dark road...your posting reminds me of my ex gf in Kent(U.K)copd,chronic fatigue,depression,chain smoker,even an attempt of suicide,extreme vulnerability to comparing herself(being in a wheelchair)to healthy people around her and making an issue==whe me?i knew her for 2 years and i went up/down from Calais/Dover etc...great lady,autodidact,intelligent,==a bookworm,we had great sex as well...and she loved life=going out in her motorvan with me travelling to rock festivals,Scotland,visting castles,English gardens..O.K...but the underlying depression gradually took over and drove her into a state of self contempt and finally our love went downhill and we split up..i never heard from her anymore after 2013...you say influenza is a killer...but something kept you alive,is it?so be proud of yourself then..remember your childhood..COPD is no joke..you say shame hits you?because of chronic illness...just remember there are millions of people worse then yourself...a grain of hope is maybe not much...but it is a sense of hope..pull yourself up...and post your worries in here==we are all listening,from the heart...


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