Take This Life

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-   -   In Misery (https://www.takethislife.com/lgbt/misery-284298/)

MattB 03-26-18 11:45 PM

In Misery
 
This is difficult for me because I am scared of people knowing my story even if I am anonymous, but I just cannot take this hurt anymore. My ex left me in February of 2017 for another guy who was married to another man. He eventually moved in with them and now has an apartment with this guy. When my ex left me, he told me that he and I were through a month before when he set up a profile on an online dating site. But, he never told me we were through and up until the end told me he loved me. He says because of this, he never cheated. I was shocked he would do this to me, but over the last year I have gone from all kinds of grief to hurt to anger to suicidal thoughts. After five years it was over.

I met someone else online in August, but we did not become a "couple" until November. It was online and new, but this guy helped me get out of this. Still, I felt neglected a lot and he did not show me attention. He worked a lot and we had not yet met in person because he lived in another country. I still plan to go there this summer even though in February he said he just wanted to be friends.

In March I met this guy on Grindr, which is not a good site for relationships, but this guy was different. I have never done hookups, but then I met this guy and we spent a week and half together. Then he pulled back and got scared but keeps making excuses he is busy with work and school (he is only taking two classes). I teach five classes, two online, and work on my dissertation, which granted due to my depression is way behind schedule.

I hate being ignored and now he says he wants to wait until May before we hang out cause he has so much on him. I am having severe trust issues cause of my ex, and while this guy told me he loved me (nuts for a short few moments together), but does not want to be tied down in a relationship. Basically, I just feel horrible all the time now. I am sitting here now looking at my phone, angry he has returned my texts. He does not show that he is interested, yet keeps trying to string me along. I have impulses not to text at all, but I am scared if I do then he will never text me and it will be over.

Then there is the actual ex of five years who is engaged to this new guy (who is going through a divorce from his current husband)... I don't want him anymore, but I have tried to be friends and I have such anger for him. I don't know how to deal with that.

Basically, I am just all kinds of messed up miserable. I don't know how to get happy again. Just when I think I have a new shot at love, it falls apart.


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