BPD: Unlearning the bad is kicking my ass
So I'm at that really crappy stage of dealing with BPD where I'm learning about all these things that I've lived with most of my life, that I'm now finding out are symptoms and patterns of behaviour that need to be changed. Thats good right, first step to healing and blah blah blah blah. But now I'm in this awful stage of being able to identify the warpy thoughts, overanalysis of situations and raw nerve-like emotions, but not able to do anything about it and all its doing is making me hate myself more and start drifting back towards the more self-abusive side of things. I'm fucking stuck and I hate it.
Idk if you have a support system around you, but I would vent to a friend about these feelings while also participating in DBT/CBT therapy. The therapy will keep you on track, and your friends can help you cope with the changes. No matter what I am going through, I have always had 2 consistent, harmonious relationships with people who constantly validated my feelings and said I was ok.
I think borderline is tricky, because people with the disorder have an inferiority complex that never goes away. It alters your perception. It's misdiagnosed with bipolar too often. A lot of borderline people come from abusive backgrounds with emotional abuse and psychological abuse. Therapy has proven to be extremely effective for borderline patients. So that's positive.
My parents kind of kept me from kids my own age. My dad wasn't always kind. He would do things and say he didn't do them. If it had not been for my mom also confirming these things did happen, I would think I were absolutely insane. I went to academically competitve high school that had no sports or extracurricular activities. This school was not right for me. I am not a very competitve person. I like to learn for the sake of learning. When I was in high school, I felt very protective of my mom during their fights. That was possibly the most difficult time of my life because I did not have siblings to share that burden with. It was just me. His family really hates him and doesn't talk to him. My mom's side was stable. Thank God. Still, in a twisted way, I know he loves me in the best way he knows how.
I did therapy. I was never diagnosed with a personality disorder in my adulthood. I even suggested some disorders to multiple clinicians. For a moment, I thought I might be on the spectrum. HFA mimics a couple of personality disorders but an adult diagnosis is nearly impossible to get. None would diagnose me with anything other than depression/anxiety. I've always had really good self-discipline and been decently self-aware. Awareness is difficult overall because sometimes you see things that you don't want to see. I'm not speaking of hallucinations. You just become aware of patterns in your life. You become aware of your weaknesses and you become aware of issues in your relationships with certain people. It's hard but still be kind to people. It's okay if you are having trouble at times. That's a part of the process.
I still have terrible issues with public speaking. I hate too much attention on me. Good or bad attention, I hated it all the same. I get performance anxiety. I still have my issues, but overall I am better.
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