BPD: my story and today
I am 22 years old and I have BPD. My childhood was full of neglect by mother, physical/emotional abuse by step dad, both parents blamed me for everything, and no one understood me. I have medication (Which I take irregularly. Serquil 150m). I am a drug addict/junkie. I stay awake days on end usually ending in an emotional meltdown. All just to feel numb or just good feeling. I believe that everyone is "out to get me" (Even when sober almost a year). I believe people can read my mind. I also believe my life is just someones game and I am only a game pawn.
My mind is a constant mess of racing thoughts and tonnes of negativity and wanting to end my life. I have had numerous attempts to end my life, each attempt worse than the one before. I am afraid to be happy because happiness only last so long till my world falls apart leaving me emotionally and mentally unwell.
I self medicate with drugs trying to numb my pain till my pain cant be numbed. I hate people, only cuz I am afraid of beibg hurt. The friends I do have I will go long lengths for and do anything. I destroy everything and everyone I touch. Family is non existant. The guy I like is pretty great actually. I on the other hand keep all my problems inside till I break down and lose it. I try to hide my breakdowns from him. My problems are my problems. I have learned that if you share your problems people leave. Everyone always leaves.
Felt true love the day my son was born. Felt that same love be ripped from me 14 days later. Im in a non stop downward spiral of depression since my son was taken. (His own flesh and blood father shook him**). My life seems very meaningless and depressing. Doesnt seem to be getting better anytime soon. I don't stop drugs because I crave the feeling of motherhood and purpose. I cant seem to stay sober to begin the process of getting him back (will take up to/ if not more than 1 year). I skip my visits due to the emotional tear in my heart seeing him for 3 hours. I am losing my fight to get him back. Started already contemplating giving him up so he can be happy and I can forget.... I dont want to ever forget him but it seems like the only way to stop going down this spiral of devastation..
I don't know why I am sharing all this. Maybe I want someone that understands to talk to me. Or maybe it's because of my meltdown earlier this morning. Whatever the reason I just want to stop the pain and hurt I feel. I guess thanks for reading..
Can't imagine what your going through but I hope you can find the strength to fight for your son, if it takes a year then make that a year from today, focus all your energy on achieving what you need to, one day at at time!
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