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Wzrdblvk 10-12-17 11:24 AM

My girlfriend never accepts my advice
 
My girlfriend has been depressed for some time now due to stress anxiety and the fact that she doesn?t think she is where she should be in life. Remind you we are only 23, and life as hit both of us in different ways. Being that I lost my mom when I was 19, I have gone through chronic depressive states and anxiety as well so I have a good idea of how to cope with things. She is now going through hers because she feels nothing ever goes right for her. There have been many times where I had to talk her out of self-harm and suicide and I?ll always be there for her. But I can?t ignore the feelings that are creeping up within myself and the toll that it?s taking on me. I never say anything about it because I just want to be here for her but it seems like nothing I do helps. I do everything in my power to calm her down when she has anxiety attacks and i try my best to be there for her any way that I can from the distance we are apart from each other. And the distance does make it hard because a lot of things can be solved with a hug or a hand hold or kiss. Being that we?re 300 miles away I try my best to help with the advice I?ve learned through going through my build ups and breakdowns. Whenever I am talking to her she acts as if nothing I say can possibly work for her. And that everything is completely horrible. I do a good job of getting her to a calmer state but I can tell nothing has changed. She probably feels like she?s just bothering me and chooses to stop. But this never fails, every time she returns with a better attitude and outlook on things she always tributes it to someone else telling her THE EXACT SAME THING I have. It might be my ego but this really bothers me. Because I?m the one that?s choosing to be with her for the rest of my life. I can?t help but feel like It will never end because it ALWAYS happens.

For example, she just got arrested for a DUI that was totally inammisable. The cop didn?t read her rights and pretty much took advantage of her fear and little knowledge of her rights to manipulate the situation so he can arrest her. She wasn?t under the influence of anything and she over complied out of fear to the fact that she may have said or done too much. Her mother isn?t being supportive in any way a mother would if they were taken advantage of by the justice system. And it?s driving my girlfriend insane. From the jump I told her she has nothing to worry about because she was unlawfully arrested and can sue for emotional distress, but that didn?t all her down. Actually it pushed her over an edge and I had to bring her back the best way I could through Wallin her breathe and see that life is totally worth it. I told her that what she was going through was go a reason especially because she wasn?t wrong and she?ll be compensated as long as she takes the steps to get it cleared up. She acted as if everything I was saying was wrong and her life was ruined. This went on for a few days until she approached a cop and told him the whole story and asked for his advice. HE TOLD HER THE EXACT SAME THING THAT I TOLD HER and now she feels better, but she wen on to say that she?s glad she talked to him because he?s a cop and he knows everything about the law... mind you I?m not an idiot, I read constantly and I know my rights, I know a lot about the justice System and I was telling her exactly what she needed to do, I called my lawyer contacts and a judicial contact of mine and was doing all I could to show her that she had nothing to worry about, she didn?t accept anything I said until she went and got a second opinion, which is healthy, but she had a way of making me feel like I didn?t do anything to help since she went and got ?official? information...

This happens in so many different ways, so many different situations where I tell we something that is meant to help he and she doesn?t take it in and treats me as if I?m not helping her only to go to someone else saying the exact same thing and give them the credit for helping her see reason... this makes me feel unappreciated and I just want to know if I?m tripping or not. And if there?s anyone dealing with the same thing and may know something that I can do. So I don?t end up going insane myself.

Andino 10-12-17 12:04 PM

Hi Wzrdblvk,

Welcome to the forum :smile:

Difficult situation my friend, and perhaps stretched further with that you both have your own depressions - it seems you understand well that this can be very different for each of us, and how to go about things.

My partner does not listen to me, and yes sometimes comes to the same solution as I suggest before. Most of the time though, just lack of understanding of anything beyond herself and doing things her way. So I can understand your frustration; I feel we are in different worlds and with different objectives in life. I am calm and patient, while she is quick to jump without thinking.

I think the problem is simply that you think differently on all. You are logical and can see the details that lead to the solution, while she is emotional in her thinking and with a different mindset will see things differently. Perhaps she does understand what you are saying but needing a second opinion always, there's something that's come between you both? I say this as to begin with my partner seemed to want to be with me and listen, then with problems with my ex (mother of my first two children) a distance developed and she doesn't listen or seem to have heard things that I say/advise/ask to her.

It sounds quite a bit like my partner, so rather than getting so worried and frustrated by the same things happening, perhaps try to see that she thinks in a different way to you - we're not all logical, just as we may be extroverts or introverts, it all makes us unique and understand things in our own ways (or not...).

It might be time for a clear the air talk, to be sure you are both understanding each other well. I freely admit that with my partner both our frustrations are such that we probably would not be together if not for our son, but we are talking about your situation now - how is your relationship aside from this?

Wzrdblvk 10-12-17 01:52 PM

Thank you Andino, and that is exactly what I feel. I see that we thinktotally different about everything, I had a talk with her about it and she started off saying that she doesn?t want to tell me why she does it because it will make me angry, but she?s sorry for doing it. I told her that sweeping it under the rug won?t help anything and that I really want to talk about this. She went on to say that she doesn?t take my word for thins due to the some of the choices I?ve made in the past and that recieving an official opinion is the best way for her to go about it. This makes me feel bad because every time she seeks an official opinion it?s always exactly what I previously told her, so it just makes me feel like she doesn?t see that pattern and maybe she should shift the way she feels about my past mistakes being a reason not to listen to me. It raises the question in my head that I don?t think we should be together, making it a topic that I need to be worked out for us to stay together. She always blows up after I say something like that and then we don?t talk until someone apologizes.. usually me. Aside from this issue our relationship is a Long distance relationship. I can say that being long distance helps a lot because we have nothing but time to address problems people usually sweep under the rug.. We?re planning on moving in together and I hope things get better when we finally do. But most of our relationship is expressing our feelings due to the everyday problems we face. It seems to be only that. When we are together things are great but something always tips the mood of balance and we don?t say anything about it due to the fact that we never get to really see each other and we just want to enjoy our time. But I know it?s a problem somewhere that needs to be addressed.

Andino 10-12-17 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wzrdblvk (Post 2731706)
Thank you Andino, and that is exactly what I feel. I see that we thinktotally different about everything, I had a talk with her about it and she started off saying that she doesn?t want to tell me why she does it because it will make me angry, but she?s sorry for doing it. I told her that sweeping it under the rug won?t help anything and that I really want to talk about this. She went on to say that she doesn?t take my word for thins due to the some of the choices I?ve made in the past and that recieving an official opinion is the best way for her to go about it.

For a start, take this as good news, as you have your answer and a direction to take now. You know why it happens, and it is a positive that she was finally open and told you the truth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wzrdblvk (Post 2731706)
This makes me feel bad because every time she seeks an official opinion it?s always exactly what I previously told her, so it just makes me feel like she doesn?t see that pattern and maybe she should shift the way she feels about my past mistakes being a reason not to listen to me. It raises the question in my head that I don?t think we should be together, making it a topic that I need to be worked out for us to stay together. She always blows up after I say something like that and then we don?t talk until someone apologizes.. usually me.

I didn't want to raise the question of you together in my previous post, because you sound so similar to how I think, and your girlfriend so much like my partner (she explodes and we don't talk for days sometimes - and this living together). It will take a lot of work and understanding, patience and forgiveness (on both parts) to make it work, but it is possible.

If there's too much pride on each side, the distance will remain. You may need to work on it slowly in getting her to accept your point of view, because that doubt will not change in an instance. Softly and slowly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wzrdblvk (Post 2731706)
Aside from this issue our relationship is a Long distance relationship. I can say that being long distance helps a lot because we have nothing but time to address problems people usually sweep under the rug.. We?re planning on moving in together and I hope things get better when we finally do. But most of our relationship is expressing our feelings due to the everyday problems we face. It seems to be only that. When we are together things are great but something always tips the mood of balance and we don?t say anything about it due to the fact that we never get to really see each other and we just want to enjoy our time. But I know it?s a problem somewhere that needs to be addressed.

You are both young and I'm sure finding your ways in life. Yes, there are problems to be addressed and it's great that you are seeing where you are now and willing to work on all :thumbsup:.

It's great you are planning your future together and I hope all will be fantastic for you both. Of course stay around, if anyone can just listen it's always good (advise if necessary), to share and experience.

SensualGirl 10-12-17 05:45 PM

I think it hurts your pride and self-esteem. Giving back makes us feel valued. Sorry, but can you understand why a young guy telling you about the law is not the same thing as a cop telling something, exact same thing or not? At least she finally confessed why she does that so now you know. Sorry it bothers you though.


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