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Shallow20 10-03-17 11:23 AM

My anxiety is ruining my relationship
 
Hi all, this is the first time Iv spoken about this, I suffer from postramatic stress and anxiety Iv been with my partner for 2 years he was perfect supportive and I can't say one fault about him in the first year until now this year has been a struggle, I moved from my town 4 years ago due to a previous aggressive relationship, I have no friends or family members near me rite now it's just me and my boyfriend where's as him he has people around him and family he works full time he goes to the gym does mma training so he's a massive gym freak, he says he has no life or freedom he says he feels trapped, it's caused us to have frequent arguments and they get quite bad (no physical abuse) he says he misses out on events with his friends because of me and the way I am, Iv told him Maybe include me in events so I can build my confidence and meet new people as he knows everyone where as I no nobody and he tells me I can't be around his mates because it's not like that? Which confused me. he sees friends everyday but he says that's not hanging out with them because he always has to rush back to me. I feel the trapped one always at home on my own he's got more of a life than me. He told me if he went out he would always contact me the next morning which I don't think it's fair I told him I don't care that he goes out but at least make it back the same night am I wrong? If so please someone say. He says I'm a paranoid mess and I need to get a life and be independent, I do work yes and because I suffer what I do it's hard for me which he doesn't understand, I just feel alone in this relationship it's all about him and his life which I support his dreams. He spends around 4 hours a day at the gym, some days I ask if we can go for some food and have a day out somewhere nice because we never do that at all he never takes me anywhere since he passed his driving test. And he sees that as me being negative towards his gym and goals and assumes I'm making him choose between me and his gym then starts arguing with me so that we don't go out, I resort to tears which makes him even more mad, but all I'm saying is Take a day of chill relax your body let it grow! I support his dreams 100% even though I don't see any of his success because I'm not aloud to the things he does I want to be apart of it, he always said he will help me get a nice body and help build me up he said he will train me and get me on stage to compete with him he lasts about 3 days then starts going to different gyms so that I don't train with him. Iv just backed of him now he makes me feel like I'm a really bad control freak, yes I suffer with p.stress and anxiety and it a strain on our relationship but the only person in my eyes that's putting a strain is him. I just want a peaceful relationship Where I get included in things and not kept out the loop. He says he can't breath and he's bored he only wants to do something if it's on his own with his friends he would rather sit in misery that do anything fun with me. I'm confused someone help me what is going on in this relationship because it's making me ill to the point where I'm a zombie all day because my head is F**ked. ??

Shallow20 10-03-17 11:33 AM

I'm in fear everyday to the point where Il stand there like a shaking sweaty mess expecially when we argue I feel like ending myself, I just can't handle day to day things anymore he calls me weak and I no im weak he doesn't need to drill it in My head all I want is to feel secure and be taken seriously then maybe id be stronger than what I am now!

Andino 10-03-17 12:26 PM

Hi there,

I'm sorry you are going through this; social anxiety is difficult enough even with support, without it it's lonely and pushes us to a fight or flight at times.

Your boyfriend doesn't seem too supportive. I don't know how old you both are (thinking more on where he is on the maturity level), but I would be a touch suspicious with the not wanting to be with you, nights out with just the morning being in touch. I don't want to put things in your head, it's just from reading your words there.

I don't know if it's my place to say, but it sounds to me he is using you - you are around when he wants, but when he wants to do other things you are not among his priorities. This does not point to a mutual relationship where both are thinking of the other and supporting each other.

It seems to me you do need to get out more, have your own life, be independent, have more friends of your own - more so, and this is just my opinion, I get the feeling this should all be without him.

Live your own life and don't be dependent on him in any way. What is he bringing to the table in your relationship aside from stress and little insults?

You deserve better, and I hope you can see this and believe in yourself as you go forwards. And never believe you are alone, trust in the right friends or come here and people will listen to you.

:hug:

Shallow20 10-03-17 12:39 PM

Hi Thankyou for your reply, he is nearly 21 I'm 23 he used to say he wouldn't ever go to any social event or family do without me we was like he's friends but now he's pulled away, he acts loving still tells me he loves me and that he wouldn't of gotten this far without me and that Iv brought him so far, he didn't have a stable home before he met me, but then when it comes to spending a day with me or a night out even if I mention it he gets mad and says I'm ruining his life keeping him trapped and that I'm a bad person and controlling, I try to be as nice as I can to suggest things but in his eyes that's keeping him trapped, I'm really lost broken and don't no what to do, when he says those things to me I ask him why he is with me and assumes I'm trying to end the relationship when I'm not, his decisons and choices affect me a lot sometimes but he doesn't care, his friends are single and he's only turned like this since he passed his driving test and can now go to see them. He says his friends tell him that our relationship is toxic and that we're not going to last because he's got no life apparently. Once he went to the gym at 2pm he told me he would be back by 7pm I said okay then I get a text message saying he's going to a barbecue I ask if I can come and he says it's not the sort of thing for me to be around then he didn't come home till 12 noon the next day he told me he fell asleep and his battery died. Stuff like that hurts me and makes me feel poorly and he just doesn't understand he says I'm pathetic and always on his case, it's hard ?

Andino 10-03-17 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shallow20 (Post 2725170)
Hi Thankyou for your reply, he is nearly 21 I'm 23 he used to say he wouldn't ever go to any social event or family do without me we was like he's friends but now he's pulled away, he acts loving still tells me he loves me and that he wouldn't of gotten this far without me and that Iv brought him so far, he didn't have a stable home before he met me, but then when it comes to spending a day with me or a night out even if I mention it he gets mad and says I'm ruining his life keeping him trapped and that I'm a bad person and controlling, I try to be as nice as I can to suggest things but in his eyes that's keeping him trapped, I'm really lost broken and don't no what to do, when he says those things to me I ask him why he is with me and assumes I'm trying to end the relationship when I'm not, his decisons and choices affect me a lot sometimes but he doesn't care, his friends are single and he's only turned like this since he passed his driving test and can now go to see them. He says his friends tell him that our relationship is toxic and that we're not going to last because he's got no life apparently. Once he went to the gym at 2pm he told me he would be back by 7pm I said okay then I get a text message saying he's going to a barbecue I ask if I can come and he says it's not the sort of thing for me to be around then he didn't come home till 12 noon the next day he told me he fell asleep and his battery died. Stuff like that hurts me and makes me feel poorly and he just doesn't understand he says I'm pathetic and always on his case, it's hard ?

With his age (and perhaps yours too, though you seem much more mature than he does), it is natural to want a certain lifestyle, and perhaps to act the single life as he seems to want. It makes me think having you there means he cannot act like his friends as a single, flirt and whatever else. Friends are bigger influences than his family and yourself at the moment.

I apologize if I'm jumping the gun here, but it honestly does not sound good to me that he wants to be at so many things without you. Why is a barbecue not something for you to be at? The only explanation I can think of is negative - he's immature and ashamed to have you around, or he's interested in other girls that are at these events.

His friends say your relationship is toxic because he has no life? That's extremely immature but perhaps typical of his age - I am 37 (male & bi, not that it should make too much difference in my answers) and I know that maybe a majority of guys have not grown past that phase by then. He's discovered another side of life with his car and friends, and wants to explore that - he does not now have you as a priority in this life.

I would put it to you that this relationship is indeed toxic. Not because he has no life, but because he is not treating your relationship with an ounce of respect.

We are human on here; you know yourself better than anybody else. I would personally not stand for this type of relationship - what I try for is mutual and with respect, equality, zero tolerance for cheating. It's a balance admittedly, but you are nowhere near anything equal at the moment, so ask yourself how your future will plan out if you stay together or not.

And yes, you'll always find support here, but not magic workers, sorry :smile:

Shallow20 10-04-17 06:29 AM

Thankyou for your reply it makes a lot of sense what your saying, I thought this behaviour was normal but it can't be because I'm so down and I wouldn't be down for no reason, iv told him I feel excluded and alone and he said how when he's always at home, just because we live together he thinks sitting on a sofa is spending time together, then he goes to his gym for 5 hours I hate the fact he can't have me around his friends cause he said he can't be himself while I'm there? What does that even mean? He won't let me go out with him and he won't let me go to the gym with him I'm also not aloud to celebrate his 21st birthday because he said he's going on holiday with his mates and he said If his mates don't go with him he's going on his own, he doesn't realise how much that hurt! I care and love this man way more than he does me.

Shallow20 10-04-17 06:34 AM

I feel used at the fact that now he's got himself a full time job a car etc that I'm no longer a priority that's really selfish. He calls me selfish and that everything is always about me and that he's trapped. I never ask for a penny from him he doesn't buy me anything just comes home to me goes to bed wakes up goes work and the gym and then the same everyday but a weekend he will spend the whole day in the gym, anything so that he doesn't stay at home with me he says it feels like a prison always being at home. He's the only one moaning about anything rite now.

Shallow20 10-04-17 07:15 AM

He always says he can do what he wants when's he wants, he won't run anything past me anymore he will just do it. He seems happy the last few days I think it's because we had a talk the other day and he feels like I'm holding him back and making him miss out on things and that he can't live like it anymore. So My reply was just do what you want from now on! And he seems to be doing so. Doesn't matter what I think anymore because if I comment on anything he says I'm being controlling, All of his plans and suggestions are always without me though that's why I get upset because I have no family no friends or nothing but I don't let that affect him I just deal with it, but him being my partner he should be supportive and want me to join him on events, like I would him, I would never leave him on his own at home! It's just not in my blood! Being in a relationship means including your partner as much as possible living life together. Is this me being controlling?

Shallow20 10-04-17 07:33 AM

[QUOTE=Shallow20;2725914]I feel used at the fact that now he's got himself a full time job a car etc that I'm no longer a priority that's really selfish. He calls me selfish and that everything is always about me and that he's trapped. I never ask for a penny from him he doesn't buy me anything just comes home to me goes to bed wakes up goes work and the gym and then the same everyday but a weekend he will spend the whole day in the gym, anything so that he doesn't stay at home with me he says it feels like a prison always being at home. He's the only one moaning about anything rite now. I'm 23 all I want to do is settle down have children and be happy, he says he doesn't want kids till he's in his 30s even though we used to talk about having kids together the subject does not come up anymore he isn't interested.

Shallow20 10-04-17 07:37 AM

we used to act like an old couple we was even trying for a baby at one point for around 6 months then it went pear shaped, he said he doesn't want kids until he's in his 30s where as I would love to settle down now, but the subject no longer comes up anymore


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