Scared I might have bpd
Iím afraid I might have bpd.
When I was a child I used to get agry very easily. When it happened with my parents, or when they got mad at me, I used to lock my self in my room and scratch my hands/harms with my nails until I bled. I did that because I was so angry and frustrated. That was probably the first form of self harm and unhealthy coping mechanism I had. I started cutting when I was 12 and kept doing it for 6 years (last time I did it was this february). I started because I was losing many friends and I felt betrayed. I thought that I wouldnít have been able to live after those abandonments. Iíve been considering suicide a lot and threatened my ex best friend to kill myself when I thought she was gonna leave me. I had my first panic attack at 12 because we had argued and I was sure she was fed up with me. I used to take pills mixed with alcohol when I felt numb, maybe I was desperate to feel some emotions, a thrill. Eventually me best friend (we were also romantically involved) and I fall out. I felt nothing and too many emotions at the same time. I was going crazy. I stopped eating, lost 13 kg in 2 month and a half. Then started binge eating (no purging, just binge) and Iím still working on it but definitely better. Some times I act very impulsively. For example, one night I went to an abandoned house with an older guy I had talked for the first time on instagram the day before. Just because I was bored, I wanted to feel something.
Now, I know all the reasons behind my reactions were.. stupid. Everyone argues with their bestfriend, everyone loses some friends when they are in middle school. These are not good reasons for cutting or thinking about suicide. But while the reasons were stupid, what I felt wasnít. My feelings were real, exagerated but real. I really felt like dying. I really felt empy. The ďboredomĒĖ hollow feeling is so overwhelming I donít care I could get hurt, raped or killed by men I met online. And everytime I think that someone is going to leave me I get this intense urge to do something dramatic. To show them they canít leave me because it will tear me apart. I donít relate to ďblack and white thinkingĒ that much. I do idealize my loved ones a lot, especially if they are far away for some time, and devaluate them if they hurt me. But itís more ďBlack and white feelingĒ then thinking. I feel like they are either the best or worst people on earth but I rationally understand it is not true. I divide what I feel from what I think so that I can control at least my thoughts. Regarding identity disturbance, yes I have no clue who I am or what I want. I donít know how to take decisions most of the time. But Iím 18. That has probably more to do with my age.
Iím a white privileged girl from a middle class family, my parents are still married and love eachother, I have an amazying relationship with my sister. Iím good at school and I have (few but important) friends. I have no right to have bpd, what if Iím just overreacting? I know I canít diagnose my self and you canít do that either. I just want to know your opinion.
(Also, some people know about the panic attacks and some crazy stuff I put my self into. But no one I still talk to knows about the self harm, suicide toughts, binge and basically anything else.)
Dear Sam, I'm really glad you felt safe posting here.
Since this is your first post, I don't know if you have worked with a professional. While Bi Polar Disorder does carry some of the symptoms and feelings you have, there are other conditions that can cause those feelings as well.
If you do have BPD, there are many medications that can help you fight the symptoms. So, no matter how hard it is, you do need to talk to a professional. If you are afraid, maybe a friend can go with you. Or, you could print out what you wrote in your post and give it to them.
Sending hugs your way.
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