I'm sick of being sick.
This is going to be long so please bare with me if you're reading.
I haven't used this in a long time. Last year was awful and it lead me here due to me obsessively searching for forums or chat rooms where I could find someone to make a fatal pact with. I've been better since around February, a lot better actually, to the point I went from rotting away in bed to now in full time work.
It's been good up until now. Hah. I can't hold down a job. It always ends in tears.
I've begun therapy for BPD - I'm on MBTi, which is the first 12 introductory session into MBT (MBT is mentalisation based therapy). It's early days so I can't absolutely say that it's helping or not, but I do know that I wish it would progress a little faster. I don't want to wait for up to 12 weeks just so I can have one to one therapy/counselling again, but I can't afford to have two hours of therapy within a week. Unless they were both on the same day, but if not, I can't. They really need to do weekend or night therapy. Not all of us can afford to go private.
I was really excited and motivated to begin therapy, but as always, BPD is pulling me back in. Has anyone else experienced competitiveness with BPD? As though you must be the sickest? You have to stay sick and make yourself worse? I'm at that point again. My anxiety has been really playing up and I got medication for it yesterday (citalopram 20mg and propranolol 10mg). My hypersexuality has been my biggest difficulty. I despise cheats with a very strong passion, but lately I've been close to cheating on my partner and putting myself in seriously dangerous situations, just like last year. I also relapsed with SH the night before last.
I feel like I'm a lost cause. As soon as things get better, they come crashing right back down again and there's nothing I can do but just accept it. I'm absolutely done with being sick. I hate it. I just feel as though, if I have to deal with this for the rest of my life, what's the point? Why should I have to suffer my entire life? Nothing works, and yet I'm still expected to stick around. I don't quite understand the logic behind it.
I'm glad I found this site last year because it's helped me with venting. It's a shame I'm back, I suppose, but it's comforting for me. And one other thing - with BPD, is anyone else afraid of happiness? I'm terrified of being happy because I've never been happy. Not for a very long time, anyway.
I haven't got bi-polar, i am just stupid and i wish i was rather bi-polar as you are, than such an asshole. People with bi-polar are interesting to me. I bet, i am not even psychically ill, it's more like i've ruined my life, because of my stupidity. They are just your feelings, you know. You are the same as the others, therefore there's no need to hate yourself, if you do. You can't hold down a job? You seem to be an intelligent person, no matter how 'sick' you are, and you have to find a job that isn't making you feel frustrated. And i am afraid of being happy, too. Because i rather live in depressive dream, which is my comfort zone, now, than to wake up and see who i realy am.
BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bipolar.
Finding a job is stupidly difficult and this job isn't even frustrating, it's boring and does nothing for me. I know people have jobs they dislike and find boring all the time but what's the point in that? Waste your life away in a shitty dead end job just so you can survive? If that's what life is, I don't want it.
Exactly, a depressive dream. I'm so used to it that I don't know anything else and I'm not ready for change. I don't think I ever will be. Thanks for your reply.
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