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ficticiousworks 03-31-17 01:02 AM

A cure for loneliness and emptiness?
Hi guys,
Not sure if this is the right forum for this question, but I was more curious who had found themselves in my situation and if Ďití work for lack of a better word.

Iím 30 and have been aware of my depression for a few years now. Iím fairly introverted and have always had low self esteem, consequently, a very limited romantic history.
The last few years, as social networks shrink, the biggest issue with me is that Iíve just become very lonely and have this feeling of emptiness in my life, like I have nothing to look forward to, not through work, a hobby or an social means. Iím not talking about having a fun Vegas trip upcoming, I mean that I lack a serious sense of purpose or excitement in life, this is what leaves me feeling empty, unfilled and lonely.

Naturally, this drag down everything else in life. I suffer decreased motivation with work and hobbies, I just struggle to see a reason to work hard at anything anymore because I donít see a reward or light at the end of the tunnel. I just seem to pass uneventfully through life, mindless going through the day and the motions, wishing for a better life.
Iíve been looking to fill that void in my life. I know deep down, if I can just find that thing in life (job, hobbie, purpose, whatever) I could pull myself up and be bold and ambitious again.

My questions and the advice I want to seek is that, for those who have ever felt the same as me, how did you remove the emptiness.

For a few years now, Iíve tried online dating. Though Iím told Iím an agreeable person and am somewhat good looking, it has been a struggle. Iíve never really had a girlfriend and itís something Iíd like to have. Iím told intimacy is one the most rewarding things you can have in life, but I would never know.

Iíve dated dozens upon dozens of girls the past few years, from all walks of life, be it the young aspiring law student, or the older care free waiteress, but they have all ended the same, with them leaving after a few dates. But I keep at, naively thinking that by doing the same thing over and over I eventually get a different result and finally get a girl friend
But I suspect what Iíve been doing the past few years is that Iíve been trying to fill that void, that emptiness of depression in my life, by getting a girl friend. I sometimes find myself thinking, if just find the woman I love, the loneliness and emptiness will disappear. Iíll have purpose and drive again, the wind in my sails will come back. Every day when I come back from work, I scour the online dating site and phone apps, thinking ĎIíll find her, eventuallyí I do this to the point where it occupies a lot of my free time.

But thereís something about me that says this may not be healthy. Is it naive to think or believe a relationship will remove my issues? Is it really fair to expect this out of someone, to cure my lonliness?

Or should I fill that void by finding something else in life that makes me happy, like a job or hobby, and hope that, along the way of pursuing this new passion, I then meet the woman I love.

I want to have a girlfriend, I do want someone I can home to and just be emotionally intimate with because Iíve never had that before.

But should it wait? Am I doing the wrong thing?

Enddays 03-31-17 06:15 AM

I have been in that situation myself. At the age of 35 I then left the counrty I was born and restarted a new life abroad. For ten years I was really happy, acceptable social life, could chat up women with ease, no shyness at all. However, then suddenly, after then years, I cracked up completely. Now I am worse off. Such life never changes for good forever, it always comes back to haunt you. Don't get me wrong, I am still not shy, still can talk to people, but I don't want to. Nowadays I prefer to be lonely and quiet. I want to avoid others, really.

stirfry 04-02-17 12:50 PM

Yes, in my life i’d probably describe loneliness as being the source of the deepest pain I’ve felt. That was what screamed for relief, and made me not want to go on, sometimes.

While we don’t want you to become one of those obsessed men stalking some girlfriend, and if she broke up with you, you’d be a crazy person… — I absolutely do think you need to dream and identify what you want. What sort of love you see as ideal, what sort of happiness. It is a beautiful thing and one of the reasons why we insist on living.

Even to be able to conjure this up in your mind is a rewarding thing. It helps clarify what you should be given from another human being, and what you should give. I see it as necessary for a relationship.

If you join a hobby group of some kind, that would be a good place to practice observing. If your depression makes it too difficult to think of trying to meet someone there, then just focus on whatever hobby thing for a while. Do not consider it a social event, simply an activity you need to go to.

Gcm1946 06-20-17 07:24 AM

aso suffer from lonliness and lack of motivation, I make myself do things to try and feel better, but it would make a person cry.
Well I am in a relationship and have three grown up kids and am a granny too.
MY daughter is very kind and supportive she is full of energy and zest and plans ad ideas. She goes shopping with me on Fridays and visits or we visit her in Genova at weekends along with her husband. My son calls over with his wife and the baby
( I find it hard to cope with the baby because he cried a lot( is very young).
My other son is in London and rings every two or three weeks but i feel he has abandoned us basically. However be glad of what I have- which I am- but just to say that you can have what seems ideal and still be depressed! MY husband takes a day off - sometimes more because I am feeling too bad. BUt I cannot take the time on my own even though its only going to be probably 6 hours a day for three days a week, but then when my husband is home he is hardly ever to be found, our place encircles the house and I shout but he doesnt here me, and its almost worse that when he is working because I am just as much on my own. I dont like my own company, lack of motivation lethargy pointlessness, I feel I am pointless, I serve no purpose, I am finished and why not? I am 71 though wacky and young in ideas.I can hardly do anything in a day. I suffer terrible pain in my hip and ankle ( not arthritis). that in itself is depressing. I have no friends, having moved to Italy due to my kids moving here, I dont drive I cant go anywhere without being taken.I find towns boring except for the market. The house is a wreck ( I mean that structurally- its very very old. I feel unwanted unentertaining etc. However regarding what has just been said about girlfriends etc, I think depressives are not necessarily good company though they may not realise they are being reticent on monosyblic, they leave the other person to do all the work. Or because they feel bad they try and make up for it by making too much effort and sounding false. I think unfortunatly its really important to have some interests and if you havent got any you may not e ready yet, you have to try and make yourself do lots of different things, drag yourself to do it,you might even find something which interests you. This is what I think and I have a very long term ( yes I Have one freind) and she is so reticent, she says, yes no ok or nothing it drives me crazy I have to tell her how to answer and still she reverts to yes no ok.

Gcm1946 06-20-17 07:32 AM

OH I think finding friends etc on line is totally a good idea providing they have similar interests cos both my daughter and son found their partners there. She has been with her husband for more than 12 years.

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