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Goldline 07-29-09 12:10 PM

Miscarriage and chronic depression

Almost two years ago I suffered a miscarriage. Depression followed.
I was finally treated properly with Citalopram a few months after my miscarriage.

A few months ago I decided to stop my medication, I felt better and indeed, till a few weeks ago, I was fine.

My depression is back full force, bad thoughts and bad days. You must know what I mean by "bad day". I try to enjoy my good days.

I decided to get back on my meds, I can't live like that and suicidal thoughts are back, badly.

I tried counseling, it wasn't simple, lack of money at first and I am reluctant to talk one on one to a therapist. I know I need to go back to counseling, it's just so hard to find someone I can connect with.

I wonder what's wrong with me. Why depression keeps crushing my life.

I'd like to have another baby, I am just wondering if my depression will still be present and if it will affect my parenting.

Anyway, I just thought that was the right place to share.

Thanks for reading.

totallyamazed 07-29-09 12:32 PM

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you miscarried<3...It is hard to find a proper therapist sometimes...I'm glad you found the forum, welcome to TTL.

Are you married, does your husband or family know how you feel?

Goldline 07-29-09 01:10 PM

No, I am not married, I am divorced. I miss my step family though, especially my sister in law, she was nice with me, her husband too.

I come from a family with an alcoholic mother and an absent father (he sent money, a phone call every Sunday, his way to connect ..). I guess it's nothing out of the ordinary.

I don't want to get my 70 year old mother worried so I don't share much about my state of mind with her (and she still drinks). I share a little with my brother.
My sister is bipolar, hard to talk about myself to her (not my biological sister but my sister nonetheless).

I know I need help, I just don't know where to start.

I have my pets though :) That brings me comfort. I don't do well socially, I have a hard time connecting with people. The positive thing is that I made a couple friends at work.

It's just life I guess, I don't feel special, just different.

totallyamazed 07-29-09 02:13 PM

Do you have any contact with your ex sister-in-law? I was just thinking she might be someone to talk to about how your feeling, but it sounds like you probably should get back to the Dr. and try meds again, and perhaps some therapy, it could bring you some peace of mind...Sorry about your moms drinking, that must worry you, especially with her in her 70s...

Pets are GREAT listeners...It's good you have some friends at work, anyhone that you feel you could talk to?


Goldline 07-29-09 03:21 PM

Sometimes when I'm not well I think about my pets and I know they'd be in the street if something was to happen to me, it makes me hang on. Of course I think about my family as well, but they don't financially need me.

You know how hard it is to talk to someone, most people think depression is just an excuse to be lazy. They don't see it as a disease eating people away.
I lost three cousins to suicide and I wish I would have been there, especially for my cousin Raphael.

I dated the same man for a year and half, two days ago I called him because I was a rack, he came to pick me up and we talked, I explained my depression was back, he listened.

Yes, I need to see a doctor, my health insurance hasn't kicked in yet (but I am back on my meds, I still have enough for one month). I just can't wait for them to kick in, it takes about three weeks. Citalopram allows me not to be so sensitive, I can take some distance with what happens in my life. It works for me (I gained weight though). I still have nagging thoughts here and there when I'm on it but less and I feel way better too.

I hate being that way. I am convinced that my miscarriage was the push I needed to fall over, I haven't found a way to get up yet.

hydiidepressio 08-02-09 07:28 PM

So sorry about your loss.
Its good that you have been able to write about your feelings, it always helps a little, i have found.
What you have said here sounds like you know yourself well. You went of your meds, it didnt work so you went back on them. you knew you needed them.good for you. you also know you still need more help and you are doing your best to get it, well done. Now you have to do it, i realise that harder to do than say as money is tight for all.
Welcome to the site i hope you find some help here and friendship from the many wonderful people here.
Please up date here when you can, love to hear from you again,hopefully you have found help by then.

natalong 08-02-09 07:53 PM

Hi, first of all I'm so sorry for your loss. My only advice would be to go see your doctor when you have your health insurance if that makes sense (I'm English and we have an NHS so I don't really know much about insurance I'm afraid but as they say nothing ventured, nothing gained). I always find it so embarrassing talking about my depression but sometimes find it easier to speak to someone anonymously like on here, or at the doctors because you know they've heard similar stories. If money is too tight, maybe try group therapy for grief? Lots of churches etc. run free sessions that might be helpful to go to even though it's really nerve-wracking. But I think that already you've made a positive decision to come on here and talk about things, just take every day at a time. Hope some of this helps. XX

strawberry bitch 08-05-09 08:45 PM

hello goldline. welcome to ttl im strawberry!!

fist of all let me say that this a good place to share u feelings, u can vent here as much as u want, and make some good friends along the way! :)

im very sorry about ur loss. i can imagine how difficult it most be to emotionally overcome something like that. i dont know if u stoped taking the meds suddenly?
antidepressants must be gradually withdrawn from ur system.

in my perspective depression is an ongoing battle u know?, its always lurking.. somewhere. the struggle is really learning how handle it, until we break free from it.

a therapist is a great idea,because it helps u to understand the main root of ur depression and heal yourself in order to give closure and move along,but i also understand the draining process of finding the "one" we connect with. hopefully u will find it sooner than u think! please dont despair.

i love animals lovers!! :p im one myself!! and like u, my dog is one of the main reasons i keep going. what would she do without me?? i dont think is ppl out there who is going to love her like i do, besides they make the most loyal friends u can ever have!!

im looking forward to read ur posts!!

(((((((((((welcome hugs)))))))))

Blue Girl 08-05-09 08:55 PM

hi, goldline, i'm sorry you went through that loss. please talk more here if u find it helpful.

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