All I am is a burden.
Hello, and thanks for taking the time to read this. It's gonna be a long post; sorry but there's a lot that happened.
Right now I'm contemplating suicide for many reasons which I will explain, and I guess I just need to get this out. Let's see, where do I begin...
Right now, I'm 15 years old (Male) but that isn't where this begins. About 3 years ago, things were going pretty good. My family had a good amount of financial security, we were happy and all was well. Then, (long story made short), my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was terrible, because he loved being a sound engineer and he was going to lose hearing in one ear. That meant he couldn't do what he loved, and it was sad for all of us. The surgery was ridiculously expensive, and put our family in a tight spot financially. Later that year, (2013) I started to feel bad whenever I ate food. (NOT an eating disorder, but we'll get to that.) I spent about 6 months feeling like absolute crap, and every day was torture. In 2014 we finally were able to see a doctor but he was an idiot. He misdiagnosed me with something I didn't have, and I had like 3 surgeries that did nothing. After that I went through this period where everyone thought I had an eating disorder, because the surgeries were supposed to fix everything. I was only able to eat so much without feeling sick. (I'm emetophobic, maybe it was caused by this but I had it at the time, so I was terrified almost 24/7.)
I did my best to eat as much as I could, but I quickly became underweight, and my family kept pressuring me to eat more, even when I literally couldn't. We went to different doctors, but the wheels of medicine turn slowly, even when you're malnourished. Later in the year, my grandfather died, and I had to deal with that as well. In 2015, I dealt with this for half the year, before finally getting a correct diagnosis. I have about 40 food allergies. Yes, it took them 2 1/2 years to find that out. It makes me furious just thinking about that. So now I have to look at everything I eat, and I'm still struggling to gain weight. At the end of 2015, my OTHER grandfather died, and made life worse. 2016 was kind of uneventful, except that my family was now completely out of money, and my mom may have a failing liver or even liver cancer, which has us all worried. My surgeries cost them thousands of dollars they didn't have, and so my parents were (and still are) stressed about this. Today, I just had a (very expensive) dentist appointment where we found out that I have cavities, which is expensive, AND I need my wisdom teeth out. My sister needs braces, and we can't afford all of this. But we need all of it.
I feel like I'm a huge burden on my parents, and while they're the best parents I could ever ask for, I can see that they can't handle this. They're trying to hide it from me because they don't want me to be upset, but anyone can see that my dad is really stressed out because of me. I hate myself because of it, I'm sick of life, and I just want it to end, but for some reason I haven't done it yet.
I haven't told anyone about these feelings, because I can't discuss it with any of my friends, and I'm scared to tell my parents because the only thing that could make life worse is ending up in a psych ward.
I think it would help to have another persons perspective, and it felt good to write all of this. But please don't give me the "it will get better" line, because I've given up on hoping that.
Thanks again for reading this mess, and I'm sorry it ended up so long.
Please don't give up on life. Your life means something. There are people who care. You're not the only one going through what you're going through. What you described sounds tough for anyone to deal with. Sorry to hear about how things went over the past few years. Don't think of yourself as a burden. I understand your financial situation is tough. But please keep hope. Your life matters so much.
You wrote this stuff on this forum because you need help. I am here to let you know that you are not a burden at all.
It's good to hear that writing all that out helped, that's a hell of a lot to keep in you. Wow.
I hate how much medical treatments cost... it ruins people's lives. I'm really sorry your family has to go through that. If I were you, I would probably end up having the same thoughts.
It sounds to me like your parents really love and care about you... I can't see them sending you to a psych ward in your situation. I think it would be good to talk to them, not even about suicide, just feeling like a burden and being troubled by everything that's happening. Maybe an open family discussion would get everyone on the same page? I think your parents would hate to lose you and would probably feel like it's their fault.
I really hope everything gets better for you.
Thanks for the responses.
I was extremely upset yesterday; I've had a stressful couple of weeks, and the news I got was pretty overwhelming to me.
You're right, killing myself would only make my family's life worse, and I can't do that.
I hate this though, and I want all of this medical stuff to stop. All we're doing is hopping between appointments and procedures. It seems unfair... everyone in the family has something wrong with them, and I've got schoolwork to do, I'm supposed to decide where I want to go to college (which will affect the rest of my life), and what I want to do for a living.
I hope all the medical stuff comes to an end soon. It's never fun :( It's also hard to focus on things like school when life gets tough.
I have some regrets about my college decisions... the best advice I would give is to try and go somewhere you can see yourself living afterwards. I chose to commute to a local school because it was the most cost-effective, but you make a lot of connections while you're in school and it makes it easier to get a job in that area. I'm regretting it now... I've lived here my whole life and decided there's not much here for me and want to get away, but my resume would look a whole lot better to someone from my area.
But try not to worry too much about college just yet! A lot of my classmates have jumped around a bit in college until they found out what they liked best. You don't really have to know exactly what you want to do beforehand. It is an important decision, but don't let it get in the way of doing what you enjoy in high school, because those things might help you figure out what you want to do.
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