The main reason I suffer
 

I'm starting to realize that most of my current problems essentially stem from one thing: the fact that I am a low status male with mental illness. I'm at the very bottom of the social hierarchy... Below women, minorities, the disabled, and any other "protected" group you can think of. Low status men have always been viewed as the most disposable and worthless people in society. For some reason, I'm apparently incapable and/or unwilling to accept this. I guess that's why I suffer.

I think it would be helpful if you tried to not concern yourself with what you believe other people think; and understand that there's a good chance that that perception is really a projection of your own attitudes toward yourself.

Forgetting what society thinks of you for a minute: how do you see yourself?

No, it's not a projection at all. I'm so tired of hearing that. It's a reflection of how people have always treated me. My self-perception is based on the endless negative experiences I've had in life. I wasn't born feeling this way. I didn't just wake up one day and decide "oh I'm such a piece of shit." These attitudes didn't preexist. They were built upon actual evidence.

Your question is hard to answer because how I see myself is heavily influenced by society. I think that's the case for the majority of people. You can't really separate the two. I see myself as disposable, weak, powerless, unattractive, talentless, incompetent, reclusive, detached, boring, awkward, and just pathetic overall. In that sense, I agree with society. But there are ways in which I don't. For example, I don't consider myself to be a "nice guy." I'm not as naive and agreeable as people IRL think. I put on a fake smile everyday and pretend to be okay with it when people blatantly disrespect me. I greet them, shake their hands, laugh nervously when they mock me, and constantly reach out to help them with things. I treat them far better than they deserve, when all I really want to do is rip their eyes out.

Another reason it's difficult to answer your question is because I've honestly lost a huge part of my identity to anxiety and depression. I used to attract people with my sense of humor, high energy, and creative interests (e.g. art, music). I was also a bit of an "overachiever" and perfectionist. The few redeeming qualities I once had are gone now. I'm not really myself. I'm living like a caged animal.

I believe you that these feelings are built upon experiences, but that doesn't mean they're built on "evidence."

How have people disrespected you in the past? What specifically has happened?

What redeeming qualities did you once have? What's your evidence that you no longer possess these?

ok, what the actual fuck. How is that not evidence? So you're basically saying that only positive experiences count as evidence? See, this is why the CBT approach is a fucking joke. It's not grounded in logic or rational thought, contrary to what all the so-called "experts" say.

Where do I even begin? This is the same issue I run into with therapists. There are way too many examples of people disrespecting throughout my life for me to give you specifics right now.

I already listed the redeeming qualities in my previous post.

Elaborate on your redeeming qualities. Why don't you think you have any anymore?

I don't know. It's just not there anymore. It's like the parts of my brain that controlled those traits just died. That probably doesn't answer your question, but what can I say? It's a tough question. And I'm tired and a little drunk at this point.

Its true we build our opinion of ourselves by how others treat us in the main. And if they are overwhelmingly negative experiences and are treated like crap. Then we will most probaly start to think we are crap. Even if like you said you had good qualities like your music and your art and overachieving.
So would i be right in thinking you once thought well of yourself. But cos of all the negative things that people have done or treated you like...you have developed mental health problems that lead you to losing the only good qualities that you did have?
And so you think they have almost shaped you into what they thought of you in the first place. They have shaped you into what you believe is a rubbish disposable person?
This is a hard road to walk if you really think this of yourself.
Its hard to be that low in your own mind.

But i have to say there is one thing i disagree with you about and that is. That your opinion about yourself HAS to come from society and what others think of you. I used to believe this as well. I am what everyone says i am.
But i dont believe that anymore. Its very hard to have any high self esteem when you are being beaten down by others continualy.
I have to say instead now my opinions of other people have lowered instead and now i have a high opinion of myself and low of everyone else. I have become independent of them to a point that im happy with. I have developed my OWN opinion of myself based on what I think of me. Not what other say about me or treat me like. I do think this is possable to achieve although its hard.
For me the best thing thing for my self esteem is deciding to be a solitary or a loner if you like. I do have friends but i decided to be a seperate person from any other human being and not look to others for much of my emotional needs and just get my needs met from myself. Simply cos i didnt think anyone was able to give me what i needed. If i want a bit of banter i can go to the people in my life but i dont think they will help me really.
It could be good to work on what YOU think not what people have told you all your life. No one is worthless. Everyone is important.
You have to fall in love with yourself. If you dont love you maybe no one else ever will either!! There is absolutely no reason why you have to take on other peoples crap. Its like your eating thier S*** otherwise. And poisioning yourself in the process. Its no wonder you have suffered so much if thats what your eating breakfast , lunch and dinner!!

You CAN get back to that fun and passionate person you used to be. It will just simply take time, therapy and the right medication should shrink your symptoms so that you barely notice them. But in the meantime embrace the journey to recovery.
Yeah you have to love yourself before loving someone else.
Its true if enough people treat you badly you will start to believe that you are deserved of it. Your just unlucky enough to have encountered more than your fair share of negativity.
You have to begin to cut yourself some slack.
Start listening to music again, I can't stress this enough. Emotional people need an outlet. Listen to music that reflects how you've been treated you know hard rock, metal and such. It will help you develop a "f**k them" attitude, I am who I am I'm not sorry, they are petty and ignorant but i'm strong with my own mind. You know what I am saying.
If you don't like cbt, try books like finding your inner child, mindfulness, introvert advantage. But I think you should persevere with cbt, as you beat yourself up far too much, like your own worst enemy!
Do you have any friends or relatives who don't make you feel so worthless and down? I'm wondering
:hug:

No. I haven't really had any friends for the past 10 years. I had acquaintances in high school, but they never hung out with me outside of class.