Take This Life - I'm out of ideas

I'm hopeless in this world and don't know how to handle it. I was diagnosed with many things excluding clinical depression and borderline personality disorder when I was 14 after I first tried to kill myself. Since then I've been raped 3 times, continued to be abused mentally and physically by both my mother, older brother, and step father, and tried to take my life nearly successfully two more times, among other things. I ran away, over 500 miles away, to be with someone who cared and still cares about me. But I don't know how they could love me. Sure I love them, but that doesn't stop the panic attacks, the flashbacks, the coldsweats, the hallucinations, the everything. It's been very hard. And whenever I would talk to a professional, I wouldn't get any answers. Even had one tell me I was too selfish and then told my mother to punish me more for being the way I am, when in reality I was not a big trouble maker. I stayed out of the way and kept to myself. But I still do that. Not to stay out of trouble, but to not get in the way.

Now I'm sitting here while the love of my life sleeps next to me. I haven't eaten in 26 hours, and I had one small meal before then in the previous 20 hours, and the pattern has been like this for a long while. My mother continues to harass me via email after I blocked her number (and I don't use social media), so I had to change my main email just to get away from her. I haven't been able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. The nightmares keep coming back. Even nightmares about a car accident I was in several years ago haunts me mercilessly alongside the rapes, failed suicide attempts, the abuse... I just took 5 sleeping pills before signing up here, but I'm not tired at all. I just want to sleep my life away. I was diagnosed at 16(?) with sleep apnea, insomnia, narcolepsy, that stupid restless leg syndrome BS.

I can barely get out of bed to take a shower despite how little sleep I actually get. I just sit and watch YouTube videos or play games on the PC.

I'm at the end of my rope now. I've been having total meltdowns every day for a week or so. Full blown buckets of tears, sobbing loudly, shaking, hyperventilating, having hot and cold flashes, among other things.

I have thought of trying again, but even before I ran away, I couldn't gather the courage to actually go through with it.

Anyway, thanks for listening, I guess. I'm not trying for a cry for help or a pity party or anything of the sort. Just wanted to rant a while anonymously.