8 years now
I've been feeling a bit blue which seems to be a yearly routine now for me during the holidays. I was lurking reddit and reading about people also experiencing depression, anxiety, and other difficulties stemming from many different personal circumstances around this time of the year. I've always been a nostalgic person and I remembered TTL today. I never really talked about depression & anxiety in depth with anyone in real life, much less friends. It would still feel strange to talk about it and hear the words come out of my mouth. This was the first community that I was ever able to reach out to in my teens when I started having feelings I couldn't quite understand much less know how to deal with. I logged in to look around the forums and see my old posts.
When I was in my teens I've always believed that I had no reason to be unhappy but the process of changing that way of thinking began here. I'm a little bit stronger now than I was 8 years ago when I first visited this website. I'm able to cope and stand on my own.
I'm not always happy nor am I unhappy. I don't particularly feel positive nor do I feel alive in the sense that I'm pursuing happiness or goals, but I'm living and that means there's a chance that I will, someday in the future. I am able to enjoy or live in the present more now, even though I don't feel like I'm doing anything for my future.
My family is not perfect but I've accepted that. My teenage years did not turn out how I hoped and it was a rocky ride to graduation. I wasn't sure I'd be able to graduate until the week before but thankfully I did. I didn't end up going to university as I always thought I would. I have a decent job working night shift where I don't feel miserable.
My social life is fairly dead. I don't really go out much at all. I'm not meeting anyone new or making any friends but I do hang out with one particular old friend once every few months. I've gotten out of touch with so many people and screwed up a lot of friendships by not replying. It's just sometimes I feel too exhausted to socialize. I don't speak much and I still have difficulties with groups & social situations.
I've been in some relationships that didn't really work out for various reasons. It hurt a lot! I never thought I'd even be in a relationship but I'm glad to have experienced it despite the pain. I was able to get through it having learned how to cope with unfamiliar feelings.
Despite these things, if anyone asks me, I'm genuinely okay and not just lying about it anymore unlike before. I've maybe started to feel a little detached but I'm not numb and I still feel a little hope instead of overwhelming despair. It's like a little fire that won't go out.
I'm able to draw strength from knowing that people go through similar situations that I have and how they deal with it. Some amazingly brave and strong people striving through even more difficult situations I could never imagine. It's heartwarming to read about people overcoming these things. Even more so, the empathy and kindness of total strangers offering advice, personal experiences and kind words. It's amazing to me. It was thanks to this community, where I first found these things!
I'm not good with words (it takes me a lot of time) but I hope someday I have enough fortitude to give the kind of support I've received from different people to someone else who may need it in the future.
Merry Christmas everyone and thank you! :ninja:
First of all I must give you a big HUG for posting this thread. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: THANK YOU THANKYOU THANK YOU! The below lines explain that you and I are going through the saaaame situation. I hang out with a friend who I found exactly a year ago. Others are out of the country and they have "happening lives". Go read my recent posts :)
"My family is not perfect but I've accepted that. My teenage years did not turn out how I hoped "
"My social life is fairly dead. I don't really go out much at all. I'm not meeting anyone new or making any friends but I do hang out with one particular old friend once every few months. I've gotten out of touch with so many people and screwed up a lot of friendships by not replying. It's just sometimes I feel too exhausted to socialize. I don't speak much and I still have difficulties with groups & social situations."
" I've been in some relationships that didn't really work out for various reasons. It hurt a lot! "
Coming here and reading these posts, or even posting about my own issues or replying to some one elses post with the idea of helping them ,helps us in return,isnt it? That is the only way I think I am able to survive this phase of life. I am still in my early twenties and how amazing it is supposed to be. But I am just unfortunate. I will most definetly regret when I get old. But I have nooooooo control over this. Money won't just flow into the wallet so that I can travel. People won't just come and knock on the door and ask me to be friends or ask me on a date. Even if I try to be social , I would only end up feeling lonely in a crowded place.It hurts but somehow have to confront it. Things like this happen beyond our control limit, I just don't see a way to adjust it.
I have noticed I am more depressed when it comes to November and December.There seems to be a pattern. Last year was a nightmare. This year was better. But even during every other month things didn't go that smooth since 2015. I haven't laughed since a very veryyy long time. Iam afraid to be happy or to be excited about life because in the past being excited only brought me disappointment. SO having hopes about life is similar to lying to myself. I am not a baby anymore. I face the reality as it is. I feel comfortable living alone ,with less human interactions this way. I have no interest to do fashion as well. During my teen years I had less money but more love for fashion. Now I do have enough money but nooo interest to dress nicely because I have nobody to impress. But I still have some tiny hope that when I wake up one day things will have turned out to be NORMAL or maybe PERFECT.Until that SPECIAL DAY knocks on the door I decided to live a simple spiritual life. I meditate. and yes it reduced my temper.Listening to instrumental music and visualizing my self 5 years from now , living a happily married life with a husband in a house with a glass roof watching the stars and thnking back at the past( 2016 -now) and sighing that everything did turn out to be fine.This helps me a lot to feel calm and less depressed.
|All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:24 PM.|
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2022 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2022 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.