Never Satisfied, Empty Inside
Just was curious about anybody else's thoughts. Bare with me, because it may be long.
I am 20 years old, a rising junior in college, music major, part time job.
I was a pretty happy kid for a good portion of my childhood. It wasn't until maybe fourth grade when I began worrying about everything and seeing only the negative side of things. Not sure what triggered it, but I just became sad a lot. I worried about the distant future irrationally (jobs, finding a wife, being mature, being an attractive man etc.). I was also way too worried about being clean, germ free, and my room being perfectly organized. No matter how hard I tried, I was never satisfied. My mother helped me to deal with the intrusive thoughts when I was younger, and it has helped me a bit to this day. I think I may have a mild case of obsessive compulsive disorder. Never seen a doctor about it, so I don't want to self diagnose, but I think it may be a possibility.
Anyways, closer to the point, overall, I'm not happy with how my life is. Quite honestly, someone on the outside looking in may not see anything wrong with my life. Relatively speaking, it is pretty normal, tame, and non-traumatic.
When I was in high school, I was in the marching and concert band. I played saxophone, and still do. I always wanted to be the best in the band, so I went out of my way to show off how good I was. I participated in clinics, honors bands, auditioned for stuff, made all state, was a band officer and all that stuff. I now realize it gave my life meaning at the time. Even though I had some friends in high school and I experienced a bit, I still got lonely a lot and felt like something was missing. I had an identity crisis. I had two different girlfriends throughout high school, and I thought that would fill the void, but it didn't. Anyways, time passed and high school ended, then went to college.
I was so concerned with everyone thinking I was good, and that I was a cool person. I flaunted my achievements. Now that I am graduated and in college, none of it matters. None of it ever mattered, and nobody ever cared. Lately I have often experienced overwhelming nostalgia towards high school experiences. I miss high school a lot from time to time, and I think it is because I was more certain at that point in my life, but also, nostalgia can be a filthy liar.
A few years ago, during my senior year, my parents divorced, and are still dealing with the financial backlash. Caused me to rethink marriage. I don't really believe in marriage anymore. I see no benefit from it. I have a girlfriend of two and a half years who I also started dating my senior year. We have had our rough times, but are still together. I think she wants more than I can give her though. She wants to move in together and stuff, but I don't know how ready I am for that. I don't even know that humans are monogamous and that love even exists. Even though she doesn't want to marry either, she deserves better than me.
I'm not a Christian anymore. I don't know what the point of human existence is, if anything at all. That has gotten me down a bit recently, cause I don't know that anything we do even matters. Are we here by chance? I haven't ruled out God completely, but right now my logic points more towards no divine creator. I don't know what to believe.
In conclusion: I am a 20 year old in college. I am a saxophone performance major who gets to go to school for free due to my financial situation. Yes my degree may be useless, but I am going for the experience at this point. I may try to get a job in sound production or radio work or something if it works out well. While I am in school, I also have a part time job at a pizza place as an assistant manager for some extra money. I currently live with my dad and he sort of supports me. I also have a rock band in which I sing and play saxophone. We are working on more music and to get shows right now, and that can be fun. I love music and that is more/less what my life is dedicated to. I have a girlfriend who loves me and I enjoy spending time around most of the time. She sleeps over all the time and we spend a lot of time together. That's the positive.
The negative: I still feel empty a lot, and I never at any point feel completely happy. I distract myself by keeping company and staying busy. I don;t really have more than one or two friends, so I am often lonely. I don't know the higher purpose and there is so much ambiguity as to how I should live my life. Humans seem to me like a random occurrence, and a disease to the earth than anything else. I feel like I am always chasing after some sort of satisfaction that is never going to come.
There's a lot to be happy about, but there is just a little bit that always keeps me from being happy.
Sorry that was so long and jumbled. My thoughts aren't always organized.
i am the guy who just posted a comment of how he is sick of this world. anyway let me react. depression comes when there is too much free time left for thinking about god that doesn't exist. as the bartender said to Hank in the movie Barfly: "the whole trick is not to think about it". don't try to find a higher purpose of life. just do your business. be good at it. be honest to your GF tell her what you think. love is just a word. some people love hamburgers... forget what you heard about love in the movies. everyone has reality of their own. keeping company and staying busy is what everyone else does to prevent depression. there is nothing else. you're doing a fine job. religion helps. if you have a god don't abandon him. it's easier that way. I've never had any. and finally i don't think there is such a thing as permanent happiness however you can be content. successful. try to reach small goals. each one you reach will make you happy for a while. i guess..
I'm not sure if this is really helpful, but maybe it will help you feel a little less like an anomaly... You're at an age and stage in your life where a lot of changes are happening, and a lot of your world views are shifting (eg. Your religious views). I think it's entirely appropriate and normal to feel like your life has been turned upside down.... Because it has.
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