50 years is a long time to suffer and I am running out of therapies to try.
 

The first time I thought of hurting myself was when I was five. I have been in psychotherapy for 40 years and been on various med cocktails for 20.

Seven months ago my psychiatrist took me off of Abilify, because I started to develop Tardive Dyskinesia. Neurofeedback didn't work. ECT no longer works for me. Everything I read about TMS sounds negative. I don't have any faith that medicinal marijuana will work.

This leaves surgery. VNS only works in 17% of cases. This leaves psychosurgery like DBS and cigulotomy. I would rather be dead than to have something go wrong in brain surgery.

So today I am looking at [method deleted] again. I don't know if I have the balls to do it. If something goes wrong, I am afraid I will end up a vegetable.

Life sucks and I don't know what to do. I have worked hard on getting better, but I am still sick and I still have symptoms. Not sure what there is to live for.

Gates... I don't know what to say... it sounds so difficult and hard the road you've been on... and anything trite will just piss you off. So what can we do for you here at TTl... what would help?