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-   -   i hate my desires! (trigger warning: sexual abuse) (https://www.takethislife.com/personality-disorders/i-hate-my-desires-trigger-warning-250698/)

CalBlaze42 06-24-16 12:13 AM

i hate my desires! (trigger warning: sexual abuse)
Hi, im Calvin, im 24 years old and im a pedophile. but i am NOT a child molester. i never chose to be this way and would never act on my urges, i hate them so much, and with all my sexual abuse as a child it makes no sense that i too would be attracted to children. Im really trying to get help but i cant find anything..im so scared of talking about it because i feel like i will be shunned or rejected.. i would never do anything to harm a child. i feel so guilty about it that i harm myself and have become addicted to self harm..im sickened by my own thoughts and feel like i should be hated. im scared that i will never find help and will turn to suicide.. i cant have friends or a relationship because i'll never be able to open up. i really really need some help and i have no idea where to turn.. sometimes i wonder if i even deserve help, or if i should give up. every day i feel so much pain and shame, and so much hatred for myself.. im suffering and i just want to get better. does anyone know where to find treatment? i dont know where else to turn...

SensualGirl 06-24-16 10:12 PM

Some people fantasize about being the president. Doesn't mean they'll ever do it. I'm into very young girls myself. I have even thought about pets. It's just thoughts.

I think a lot of men are attracted to too young women, and that this is why you see 18 year olds in adult films who look 14. As long as no one's exploiting children but are deal with consenting adults.

My best friend has a daughter so I don't tell him this because I'm concerned he might be weirded out but I think he knows and doesn't judge. He's just a normal straight man, but he's very private about his sex life too, because he knows that people judge.

CalBlaze42 06-26-16 01:37 AM

i just wish i could get it out of my head...most of my bad thoughts about kids are intrusive and come out of nowhere.. and every time a bad thought pops into my head i feel sick and ashamed, its a daily painful struggle.. i feel like im a piece of shit even tho its not my fault.. and i know it comes from abuse as a child, but now i feel like im not even attractive anymore because the abuse has stopped.. there is allot wrong with me, especially with self esteem.. i wish i knew how to fix it.

SensualGirl 06-26-16 03:10 AM

Um, are you sure you don't have OCD? You said these thoughts just pop in your head out of nowhere. I think a real pedophile would LIKE the thoughts.

SensualGirl 06-26-16 03:14 AM


Pedophile OCD (POCD) | Louisville OCD Clinic

CalBlaze42 06-26-16 12:38 PM

the problem is i do like the thoughts and even fantasize on them, and i am attracted to prepubescent minors... i just feel like i cant control it, and i feel such shame afterwards.. like i dont deserve to live.i wish i knew where to find help.

CalBlaze42 06-26-16 06:04 PM

i read the article. i think you may be right about the OCD. that's one important thing to know on the road to help.

Looking for Euthymia 06-28-16 09:59 AM

Look into therapeutic hypnosis. I wish you freedom from these thoughts.

stirfry 09-07-16 01:18 AM

The article does describe an unusual kind of OCD involving thoughts around children and could be helpful since they focus on his thoughts and redirecting them. I've often thought that some types of sexual obsession, like "addiction" to porn, are learned patterns that are possible to undo.

It's hard NOT to think about something that your own body is rewarding you with arousal feelings for thinking about.

d1fficult 02-14-17 11:30 AM

Look mate I think it's actually quite a comon thing for males who were sexualy abused at a young age to feel like this I was and I do, I've never admitted it before though let alone felt like I'd actually do it. When you think about it you was sexualy awakened at a young age and have proceded to have to deal with the feelings in your subconscious to think about it logically it's the same as someone who was awakened at 16-18 to like the barely legal stuff aka 18 year olds who look younger my father is the same and he was abused as well he's now 48 and has never acted on those thoughts but I definitely understand how you feel I do as well (the guilt and unclenleyness) just keep it legal and consentual and don't beat yourself up over it may just be with you forever or you may overcome it either way be you

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