Take This Life

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-   -   not doing to good right now... (https://www.takethislife.com/suicide/not-doing-good-right-now-247/)

SuicidalMasochist 06-30-06 10:38 PM

not doing to good right now...
right now things havent been going so well for me..and i've been seriously thinking about killing myself. i feel horrible for wanting to kill myself because i do have people who care about me so much and would miss me if i was gone which is why i dont understand why i'd still want to kill myself. i dont even have a good reason for being depressed in the first place. It's so hard because for a while i'll be ok but then every once in a while i just start sinking lower and lower and theres nothing i can do to stop it. i find myself thinking it would be so much easier if i just slit my wrists or swallowed too many sleeping pills because i just dont want to feel like this anymore. the scary thing is i used to always think in my head i would just kill myself and everything would be fine...but i never really thought i'd have the guts to do it. now every night i have to fight and stop myself from actually ending my life. i'v gone for therapy and been on medication and i just dont know what to do anymore and im just hoping to find some support here because tonight im feeling very badly and would most likely be on the verge of killing myself or cutting if i wasnt typing this right now :cry:

irishred 06-30-06 10:42 PM

It is a good thing that you are here. We will keep you busy and focused, allow you to talk it out, and hopefully give you a reason to live and come back tomorrow.

You say that you have people who really care about you. Do they know what you are going through right now? If so, do they REALLY know or do they just think you are depressed. If not, why don't they know?

So you are on meds now? Therapist now? or in the past?

I know it seems really dark and bleak right now and that you are on the edge. Just hold on...step back from the edge and take a deep breathe. Everything will be ok.

SuicidalMasochist 06-30-06 10:51 PM

thank u..i really appreciate the support and to answers ur questions..the people that care about me know im depressed and know about my suicidal tendencies but dont really know how im feeling right now. i have the bad habit of seeming really happy and ok when in reality im not ok at all. my closest friend is away on vacation right now and i cant reach her at the moment to talk to her which is partly why i joined this site tonight. right now im neither on medication or going to the therapist because my parents dont know that im depressed at all. ( i have been to a therapist but for dealing with the problems surrounding my parents divorce and on meds for social anxiety..i havent been officially diagnosed with depression but i know that i have it) again i cant thank u enough because i just feel so much better having people who understand this who can help me out

irishred 06-30-06 10:56 PM

Thanks, that helps.

Why haven't you told your parents (either or both) about how depressed and suicidal you are? You will notice on here that a lot of people say they walk around all happy faced, but they are aching inside. Why is that we spend so much time and energy making everyone else comfortable and happy, yet torture ourselves by doing it?

Take off your happy face, let them see the real you, and ask them to help you deal with it. BELIEVE ME...it is better that they know what is going on with you than to wish later that they had.

Let me tell you how I know...my son committed suicide when he was 20. I had no clue about anything, got no call of "mom i need to talk," and no chance to help him. IF I could wish for anything, it would be JUST THE CHANCE to KNOW that he was in such pain.

Give the people you love a chance to help you. Let them in....so that you will be saved.

That's my soapbox version. I want you to do this for me.

SuicidalMasochist 06-30-06 11:02 PM

im very sorry that happened. even though my parents dont know what im going through i think of how hurt they would be if i killed myself. but i dunno i just dont have the courage to bring it all out in the open. i know i really should but i dont feel as close to them as i do to my friends and its hard for me to open up (even to my mom).

irishred 06-30-06 11:08 PM

I know...talking to parents is not easy. They really dont take their kids seriously enough UNTIL the kid says "hey, this is serious and I need your help." It may be uncomfortable, but so what? What you are going through isn't exactly comfortable either. They need to know and everyone needs to go to counseling to talk it out and so the counselors can help the whole family deal with it. Parents really don't know what to do, but they are usually willing to try to learn.

You are right, you have no idea how they would feel if anything happened to you, but particularly if it was suicide.

And no matter how old you get, being closer to our friends is often easier. They seem to know us better, relate better, and provide more comfort. But that is often the result of times when we choose our friends to know who we are instead of our parents.

If you can't talk to your parents, share with a close friend or two. Ask them to get you help.

SuicidalMasochist 06-30-06 11:16 PM

i understand what ur saying but im really not ready to do that yet

sandiegokyle 06-30-06 11:18 PM

it's the ultimate taboo topic
i even hesitated, when i was in therapy (the last time) telling my therapist i wanted to kill myself cuz i knew he had the right (basically, a total stranger) to put me in the hospital. you can't talk to your family, your friends, ANYONE; what the hell you gonna say, "hey, guess what, i've been contemplating killing myself, but i can't decide which would be better, gun or knife. what do you think?" it's like the only people who you could even talk to are total strangers ... kind of a catch 22. which is why this site is cool. anyway, i didn't say anything, but i hope i did.

irishred 06-30-06 11:20 PM

that's fine...just giving you the adult perspective on what we need our children to do to help us help you....

how are you going to cope with your suicidal feelings?

SuicidalMasochist 06-30-06 11:25 PM

to sandiegokyle: haha yea i guess it is what makes this site cool. (and it is strange to be able to tell complete strangers how u feel..but not those u'v known all ur life) and yea i can actually talk to my friends and they know i want to kill myself but how many times can u say the same thing over and over again?

to irishred: im not really sure what im going to do to cope at the moment

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