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lucygoose 04-29-09 02:45 AM

Can depression make you nasty?
Hi guys,
This is my forst ever post on this site, and the first time Ive talked about this...
My husband was recently diagnosed with depression, he is taking anti depressants called Sertraline and is waiting for an appoinment with a psychiatrist to whom he's been referred.
First off - anyone any experience with Sertraline?
Now then he has all the clear symptoms of depression, won't eat, can't sleep (but all he wants to do is sleep), lack of personal hygiene, no sex drive, slow speach, indecisiveness, no motivation, no zest for life and generally a very far fetch from who he used to be.
I am no stranger to depression, having very severe depression on and off for thirteen years in my past and being hospitalized countless times for the harm I did to myself. However I finally found an amazing therapist and am how a very lucky person to be in control of my feelings, to be able to laugh and cry without considering I could be hitting an extreme. (All of this happened before I met my husband).My parents also have had depression for the length of my life.
However, Ive not known anyone had depression and be as nasty as he can be to me. I am sticking by him because I feel obliged and do love him, however most people would have got up and gone. Because of this "label" of depression he has I feel it's my wifely duty to just take it.
Being there myself with depression, I know for one I did not have the motivation to be nasty, I did not have the self confidence to be nasty and due to the depression I would not have said boo to a goose, because I hd such low self worth, which is what I presume happens in everyone when they have depression. Am I wrong???
The way he neglects me, and when he does rarely talk to me it is so disrespectful, the way he does not touch me or have a sex drive or ever say or do anything which could constitute a relationship - my friends have asked if he's having an affair when I tell them he won't go near me, and personally I find it hard to accept he has depression and that this new label is just an excuse for him.
That sounds so awful doesnt it, I have all the sympathy in the world for people with depression but I just feel its an excuse for him. Could this be because I don't want him to have depression because I am finally happy and want to have a happy life ? I don't knoiw. I just feel he's acted this way for two years but only this month has seen the doctor and had the diagnosis and that it is just his new reason for being a nasty piece of work to me.
Please advise - has anyone else with depression pushed away their loved ones and treated them disrespectfully etc
Has anyone with loved ones seen them act like this towards them?
I feel like Im really putting myself out there by sticking by him him when he treats me as he does and really can't aknowledge any nice feelings towards him. I need to know if this is normal depressive beheviour- in which case I'll find the strength to carry on supporting him and hope when he gets better so too does our relationship. But if you guys feel it is unrelated to the depression then I really have to think whats best for me and our one year old daughter (who he completely neglects too).
If you have found that depression = "nastyness" what are your tips , thoughts and advice?
Honesty much appreciated
Thansk in advance of replies

Untangled 04-29-09 06:02 AM

Marriage vows generally have a clause about "in sickness and in health" so it is expected that couples help each other no matter how ill the other is. Depression affects people differently. Personally, I am quite irritable when I am in a bad mood, often it is related to my cycles. Big life changes, like the arrival of a new baby also brings many stresses. What you describe of your husband doesn't sound atypical of depression at all. I hope he will seek talk therapy and the meds will kick in soon. Good luck.

Lost Souls 1988 05-04-09 03:43 PM

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time. It must be really hard, although I've never been in that situation. I was diagnosed with depression last year, and though I was never out and out nasty or agressive, I did tend to ignore people when they spoke to me, avoid touching people and just generally stayed away from people. I think if someone had tried to either talk to me or touch me, I might have snapped at them so I guess it's a depression thing. My Dad's had depression for the whole of my life as well and he's really different when he's depressed - he's really grumpy and sleeps aaaall the time! I think depression just affects people differently.

I hope the antidepressants help your husband and he starts to feel better, and you can cope with him while he's getting better. Is there anyone you can go and see while he's being 'difficult'? (I don't like using the word difficult but it kind of fits...)


mamabear 05-05-09 10:20 AM

Hi lucy and welcome.....well I am sorry I will not afford your husband the courtesy in saying that depression is causing him to treat you in an abusive way......because he suffers from depression does not excuse him one iota.......if this has been going on for two years I suspect your marriage is in trouble....because people have depression does not give them a licence to treat people like shit.......he is abusing you and you need to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable......no you are not nasty....you are hurting as your husband is neglecting all your needs...(my ex partner suffered depression.....he was evil to the bone....and I never let his depression give him a get out of jail free card)......and to make matters worse you husband neglects his baby girl.....sorry I wont afford him any sympathy....you need to think of yourself and the needs of your child....I think you already know deep down the answer to all the questions you ask.....there is no excuse for abuse not even having the label of depression.......maybe you are enabling his behaviour by making all these allowances which feeds his lack of movement of any kind......There is a huge difference between a person needing support for an illness and someone who is using the illness to be offensive........

Try to set some boundaries for his unacceptable behaviour, because the more you accept his abuse the worse it will get......relationships are circular....did his behaviour start to change when you fell pregant?????? As this would fit into the two year timeline you talk about, the change in him occurred.......take care of yourself...and your baby......seek out some therapy for yourself through this trying time..... (((((hugs))))))))mamabear

ubi756 05-08-09 02:12 PM

I'm on sertraline. How long has he been on it? For me it takes at least 6 weeks to take effect. I can get a little frustrated and snap at people too. I don't usually mean to do these things, but it is part of my illness. I know this should not be an excuse, but it is sometimes hard to stop. A lot a people see the depressed and sad expression I have, and misinterpret this as he 'looks mean'. Some people may have such low self esteem and self hate that it turns outward towards other people. He will have to recover from his depression before he can realize how his action affect others.

Scarling 05-15-09 01:16 PM

I have lashed out at others in my depressive episodes before.

My ex does it when he's at his lowest of lows.

From my personal experience, I find it difficult to keep a handle on ANY mood I have when I am at a deep low. I get angry and I curse and call people names under my breath. I lose patience easily. I'm normally pretty laid back - a bad low and everything I feel bubbles under the surface.

That said, it is definately not a constant, either with myself or my ex. My ex is a good and loving person, but I think he's quite a lot like myself - the worst of the lows are difficult enough to handle, trying to stem other emotions while in one is near impossible. But with both of us, these nasty episodes never last more than a few days or a week at the most.

If it is a constant constant, and not just a repeating cycle - in other words, if this is happening more than once a month or once every couple of months - mention he should perhaps speak to his doc about anger management.

In the mean time, I found ignoring the nastiness made it easier to deal with. Like I said, it would never last longer than a week, really.

Johnbow 05-16-09 02:29 AM

I am depressed.. I have been depressed since I was .. Well as far back as I can remember.. And it does make you mean and nasty... Being depressed wears you out.. It makes you tired.. Your brain is always working when you are depressed and your body rarely works when you are depressed. It gets hard dealing with all the complexities of life..... You are just so tired you dont want to deal with them.. In my case I am very nice to strangers but I am hell on loved ones... I am no treat.. I hate being that way... But.. I think my loved ones have gotten used to it a bit and I am better than I used to be.. Its not fair to them... I wish I was different .. but sometimes I can be such an ass to those I love... I think sometimes that I want them to feel what I am feeling... I feel for you and wish I had some great advice to give... Some words of wisdom.. I dunno.. PAtience and a thick skin can help... I think it generally gets better.. You get better at dealing with it and he gets better at controlling himself.. It may just pass... But hang in there... Dont take things personal... Be patient... I wish the best for you..

Sean 05-19-09 08:04 PM

You just described me!
One of the first signs that I'm having a slump is that I get very irritable. I can be downright nasty to my wife and children as well. The kicker - I have no idea that I'm being that way! In retrospect, its obvious, but at the moment I just don't see or notice how I'm treating people.

I take Sertraline as one part of my meds. Believe it or not, it's in the mix to help control the irritability. Everyone is different, and how a drug works (or not) differs with the individual. Given time, this may help, or his doc will work with him to find something better. I've been through such a long list of medications to find what works for me, that I couldn't list them all from memory if I tried.

Mamabear is right... depression is no excuse. If he cares about you, he'll start taking care of himself. But it isn't as simple as it sounds. He has to realize - and I mean HE HAS TO REALIZE - for himself that his illness hurts others. It took me thirty years to figure that out, and that's when I got serious about my health.

My wife stuck it out during some incredibly bad times, thank God, and is still with me. If you stick it out with him, BRAVO! BUT.... you have to take care of yourself. It's a double edged sword - You can't help him if your not healthy, and if being with him is destroying you... you gotta make some choices.

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