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-   -   Suddenly feeling shameful? (https://www.takethislife.com/self-harm/suddenly-feeling-shameful-228673/)

DankMemes 11-26-15 11:16 PM

Suddenly feeling shameful?
 
When I was younger, I unfortunately had a friend that was what seemed like "pro-self harm". She did it, she never told me to do it, but she would tell me about it and all these things that are sort of stereotypical to self harmers. So I had a lot of unnecessary exposure to it in the most inappropriate way, and I wish I wasn't exposed to such an awful concept this way, but you can't really change the past, can you?

So when I started doing it, I never had a problem with it. I never felt ashamed of myself. Of course I tried my hardest hide it and have been mostly successful (people have only pointed out scars on four different occasions). I never wanted people to see me as I really was. I feel like a lot of people have high expectations of me, so I thought it would be a shame if they found out what I did to myself. However, I like my scars. For some reason, they comfort me, but at the same time they trigger me.

Anyways, I had to get a physical a couple weeks ago, and the doctor noticed my scars on my arm and I told her they were old (I had been sticking to my thigh because I knew I'd have to expose my arm. I'd need to let it heal a bit). Thankfully my mom was out of the room.

But ever since then I feel uncomfortable with my scars and I don't know why. When I do it, it's not just my usual ritual of doing it, dabbing the blood and going back to bed (which I used to do without even thinking about it, really) I would actually feel this tug in my gut and I'd feel guilty about it. It was the first time in the year that I've been doing it that I've actually felt any personal guilt about it.

tl;dr: I've never felt guilty about self harming but after being caught by the doctor I do and it's really confusing to me and I'd like some insight on what's happening to me?

Shacke 11-27-15 06:58 PM

Had simmilar experience. Not wth scars, but with other things. Have no idea why though

Xavier55 07-01-16 05:13 AM

Dear you need to talk with your parent or friends.

blue229 08-03-16 07:19 AM

Hi,

I have a similar problem. I am terribly ashamed of the scars I am left with because of self harm. I'm afraid I will always lack self esteem, no matter how well I'm doing, just because of the ugly reminder of the times where I was too weak to fight the urges. Of course I always have them covered and have never told anyone apart from my wife and a friend who has also struggled with self harm.

Lost45 04-11-17 01:06 PM

i too have a lot of scars that line my body and i too feel ashamed of what i have done to my body. but its this same guilt and frustration over myself that make me draw blood from my own body. and to be honest i sometimes like it a lot. its like the aftermath that freaks me out, when i am finally back to my senses that i realize what i actually have done when i was high in my own stupor. i guess this is a cycle of sorts with me. people have pointed out the scars on more than one occasions and i always wave them away or not bother to reply. but at that instant the dark nights play themselves all over in my mind and i become guilty and anxious all over again.
Also i feel like shit when i realize that i am too weak to fight these urges and that makes me wanna die.


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