It's been so long but i cant let go?
It just seems like i keep coming and going haha;;
My oldest brother passed away in February, the month of my birthday. now i despise that month. im just so upset at myself. i tried so so hard to support him during his divorce but it wasnt enough. everyday after i feel so at fault, and i feel so guilty. i was mean to him during his last days, and now i cant ever take it back. he died and my last words to him were "i hate you never speak to me." im such an awful person i deserve the worst in life. its going to be a year in 4 more months and i dont think ill ever let go. everything i see just reminds me of him. i dont know how to ever feel better
Everybody has, at least once in their lifetime, said something they regret, and it is usually done out of self defence. Sometimes they can make peace with the other person, sometimes they can't. They way I see it, if you are truly sorry for what's happened then that's what matters. Self forgiveness is everything when it's too late to apologise.
Your brother would not want you to suffer because of that one moment. Your hurt is his hurt, and I believe he has already forgiven you. What I am about to say is not based on religion. Find the right time and space, be peaceful and apologise to him. It's never too late. He hears you. Like I said earlier, you need to forgive yourself too.
You are not an awful person and you do not deserve the worst in life. Everybody makes mistakes. It's what we learn from those mistakes that matters.
Dear Libfa: I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.
Please try to start working on forgiving yourself. And what I mean by that is releasing the guilt and regret you feel. Us humans, we say and do things we regret when we are tired or stressed or burnt out or sad. Then we need to go through the work to forgive ourselves.
Not easy, I know. But the alternative is a living hell.
Please see if you can get some support in this process. It won't be so hard if you don't go through it alone. Maybe a counselor or a bereavement group in your area ... people who have gone through what you've gone through and can help guide you in your own process.
You are a good person. You cared and you did your best. That matters.
Please be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.
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