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DankMemes 09-26-15 01:31 AM

I Wish This Would Go Away
My life has been a mess to this point. I feel like killing myself, but not actually killing myself. Like, I don't want to die, I just want help that would come after a suicide attempt, if that makes sense.

The reason I want this might seem silly to you, but it's really not to me. There is this boy. Let's call him "Johnny". I've been in love with Johnny for over a year, but Johnny doesn't love me back because I am not religious and I'm just overall not his obsession. Her name will be "Jane". Jane is perfect in his eyes. She's like a goddess I guess, and his obsession with her isn't healthy, even though they aren't dating. Well today, both Johnny and Jane made it onto the homecoming court, and I don't know why, but this triggered me so much. Jane is even going with a different boy, but it still upsets me greatly.

I know this sounds like just an over-dramatic teenage girl being mad about nothing. Maybe it is. But Johnny is different to me. He's the only one who really knows about my self-harming habits, and he knows that I've been suicidal, take medication, and see a therapist. He knows I still love him and he tells me to just "move on". The thing is, I don't know how to "move on". My therapist genuinely thinks I am uncapable of moving on because I never learned the skill from my parents. I am an only child.

But anyways, what Johnny doesn't know is that the thoughts of him are so intrusive. I've tried just about everything possible to get rid of them, and I feel like my only option is to just kill myself.

But, that's not what I want.

What I want is to put myself into a hospital to learn how to "move on". I need to find some sort of strategy I can apply to my situation to just make everything okay again.

The thing is, I'm unable to do that. My therapist doesn't know about my thoughts because I'm unable to tell her. My dad has a history of suicide attempts and severe depression, and I know that if he finds out that I'm turning out to be like him, he'll try to kill himself. I can't tell my therapist about my self-harming or my thoughts because, by law, she has to tell my mom about it, and my mom never can keep her mouth shut, and she'll tell my dad. So I feel like I'm stuck and unable to get the help I need to see some sort of recovery.

I also do not have many friends (I'm just that person you talk to in 4th hour or 1st hour or lunch or whenever) and the only person who really talks to me outside of school is Johnny, but it's usually me that starts the conversation and most of the time he responds with one word answers which convinces me that he hates me. I've never had a boyfriend before, because I think I come off as crazy to guys, and this kills my self esteem, because most guys don't even want to be friends with me.

I don't have anyone to come check up on me either. Ive only hung out with people twice this year, and it's late September. The last time was the very beginning of the summer. I'm completely alone.

I have lots if ambitions, such as graduating with honors and going to a big 10 college to major in psychology, but I can't see myself ever having a solid group of friends or boyfriend, because I've never in my life ever had any of these things. So things seem bleak for me, socially. But hey, on the bright side of this, not having a friend or boyfriend gives me time to focus on academics and art and music, right?

If you're wondering about mental disorders I have to help cultivate your thoughts, I've been diagnosed with depression and currently taking 50mg of Zoloft daily. I have also been diagnosed with GAD and Phobia (which is too embarrassing to specify what the phobia is of) and I have been prescribed (I believe) .50mg of Xanax, which the school is currently keeping, however, they don't want to administer it to me for whatever reason. I also believe myself to have BPD, because I see that my thoughts and behavior line up almost perfectly with the symptoms and have been for the past couple years. I can relate to the experiences of other BPD sufferers, but I'm aware that a true diagnoses can't be made since I'm underaged and it may or may not be just hormones going out of control.

Please, I need some advice. I'm at a loss and I don't think I'll be able to do anything to fix my situation so I might as well commit suicide anyways. Yes I've tried suicide hotlines several times in the past year and a half, but all they seem to do is push me away because I'm not in immediate danger of hurting myself and I just needed someone to talk to.

Thanks for listening

italwaysrains 09-26-15 08:57 AM

Don't do it, I'm 33 and lived a lot of what you spoke about. I know things don't always work that way and i can't promise you they get better. But there is someone for you, your really young and you just haven't found them yet. I know it hurt's, I've felt that too. But please just be yourself there will be a guy who thinks your great, I have self harmed to before, please don't do that. From my experience it really doesn't help you will just feel guilty and it will add to the problems, trust me from experience. You don't need the feelings of shame and guilt on top of everything else your feeling. Be strong there is someone out there that will love you for who you are, your just young and haven't found them yet. From a person who has felt the same way things can get better hold on to that hope, but accept it doesn't have a time frame. I wish you the best.

Shapeshifter 09-26-15 08:22 PM

Hey Dank. As a man, who was once a teenage boy, I can tell you it won't impress him if you attempt suicide for attention. He'll be able to see right through that and I guarantee you that it will kill your chances of ever being with him, cause not only will he think that you're unstable, but his mother would certainly want to refrain him from dating you if you were to do that. Even if he believes it was a genuine suicide attempt, it will probably scare him away. He'll have sympathy for you, but be honest, no one dates anyone out of sympathy for them or because they feel threatened with guilt. That kind of manipulation is not right.

If you really have your heart set on this guy, then just remain his friend and hope he comes around and changes his mind about you. If he doesn't, then that's perfectly okay. No one can force anyone to love anyone else. That said, there's always going to be someone out there for everyone. We don't always get our first pick, but chances are if you're patient you'll find someone out there who is way better for you in the ways that you find important in a future husband and who will actually love you back the way you love them.

It would be really great if he felt the way about you that you feel about him, but he doesn't and you just got to let go and move on or else you'll make yourself incredibly miserable if you don't.

Hopefully this helps. :]

Patricia E 10-03-15 08:26 AM

My life has been a mess, too. Mainly, I was emotionally unresponsive and unable to give someone in a relationship what they needed. Many mistakes like the above, although nothing the law would get involved with.

Move on? That's what everyone told me, even though it would be easier for me to sprout wings and fly.

But if you can do it, more power to you.


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