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-   -   my adventure with suicide and depression (https://www.takethislife.com/success-stories/my-adventure-suicide-depression-221489/)

surfcaster 09-15-15 11:06 AM

my adventure with suicide and depression
hello folks I just wanted to add something positive for a change of pace here. all of you have the strength within you to beat this illness which is keeping you down, you may not know it right now but it's there all the same.
I've had major depression since early childhood, life was never good for me, I was mentally and physically abused by my parents until I was about 20 years old. I had a major anger problem. I grew up in a city where everyone in the neighborhood new everyone else, I was always shunned and picked on because my father was a cop, no one wanted me around, which led me to constantly be in fights and I got good at it, so good infact that a new problem arose, other people didn't want to be around me out of fear. my depression grew deeper and deeper through the years to the point that I finally attempted to kill myself twice, which obviously failed thankfully. I was going to a doc and seeing a therapist and on 6 different meds at the same time for a very long time, none of which were helping at all, all the meds did was make me numb and emotionless like a walking zombie. I had no care for anything or anyone including myself. my wife had told me that she was leaving me and taking my daughter with her, she was tired of me not trying to help myself. I again got suicidal, only this time I took the step forward and changed docs and therapists, several times in fact, slowly things began to change, meds were changed and some removed completely, I was seeing the doc every 2 weeks and the therapist twice a week for a while. the numbness began to fade over time and the anxiety was getting under control, and the anger which went away while I was numb from the meds never returned. finally I was experiencing something I wasn't used to, emotions, my wife saw that I was trying and making great progress and decided to stay for a bit longer to see what progressed. I was at last out of my shell and not isolating, I was doing stuff and living for once, and even began to be happy for the first time in my life. I wasn't thinking about depression anymore and realized that finally after many many years I may just have beaten depression. I went from trying to take my own life to being vibrant and truly happy.
it does happen and can happen to you to, just never give up and keep fighting, it will get better, you need to make the decision to make the necessary changes, don't give up suicide is not the answer. i do beleive that i am still susceptible to going backwards again, so yes this is a life long event, i work on myself everyday so i can stay where i am at right now.
i hope whoever reads this finds it helpful.

RavenDarkLight 09-18-15 10:49 AM

thanks for the success story
Hi surfcaster. Thanks for sharing this. It was an interesting read. You should publish a memoir. Our world needs more success stories in print - how people overcome horrible situations like childhood abuse and isolation - and stay alive.

I'm on a slide down into the pit of depression again. It hasn't been this bad for a long time. My Mom recently passed away and there's this part of me that views this life experience objectively, like a therapist. Oh, a death of a loved one. Yes, that can trigger a depressive episode.

But here I am living the episode, walking with it every day, hauling the pain around like a huge knapsack of double edged daggers.

I'm not functioning well lately. I find once you are on the slide it can be increasingly hard to scramble back out. But I've come here to TTL for a little hope.

Your post helped. You provided a bit of hope without saying any of those annoying things I've heard people in my world (not on this website) say. In fact, none of my friends or my family know that I'm on the slide down again. I'm keeping it to myself. All they know is I'm grieving and don't feel well. I just don't need to hear any of their unhelpful attempts at cheering me up - they don't understand. And I don't want to weigh them down either.

Keep going at your depression management work. I'm working on figuring out my own strategy. I'll read some more posts and see what others do. :thumbsup:

surfcaster 02-24-17 08:56 PM

time for an update, well it's been 2 years now and still depression free, life has been good and I am enjoying it, I am so glad my suicide attempts failed, in fact what I went through over the course of 30 plus years with depression have made me the man I am, hang in there and never ever give up you see it took me 30 years but I'm here and happy and you can get here too

missread 02-27-17 09:59 PM

This gives me hope... thank you for sharing. :)
What kinds of things have you been doing the past two years that have helped you enjoy life and get better?

surfcaster 02-28-17 04:09 PM

misread, it was a really really hard choice I had to make, I had to make the decicion to permanently eliminate all the people who were keeping me down which was all of my family and so called friends, I literally then had no contact with anyone I had previously known and started over, it's not something I had a choice with it was either this or forever depressed and suicidal, I now do not let ANY one or thing put me down, if it starts away they go, i work on myself every day just to stay grounded and from time to time come back here to try to pay it forward by helping folks just like i was helped, honestly i truly believe i would not be here today if not for the folks who went out of their way on this site and talked me down

missread 03-01-17 03:53 PM

Wow, that takes amazing strength. I can see something like that helping me... it's like starting a new life. Do you ever think about the people you got rid of? If so how do you suppress that?

surfcaster 03-01-17 04:31 PM

the people that I got rid of were a big part of the attempted suicides so yes I think of it everyday as I work on myself to stay grounded and no it does not bother me at all

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