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TonightIWannaCry 03-23-09 04:50 PM

Bye Bye Angels ..
I have .. too many angels that I know of in heaven just now, and it makes me angry. Angry at me, angry at them, angry at our families, angry at everyone, angry at whoever it was who took them away from me!

Granddad; he died in October, he was .. our relationship is difficult to explain. He was a very aggressive man for as long as I'd known him, and when we moved away, I stopped seeing him half as much - I feel so guilty now, but I know at the time it was for the best, and I knew I couldn't subject my sister to his aggressiveness, I wouldn't allow that. I was .. deverstated, when my Grandmother, who I incidently love with all my heart, phoned me and told me that Granddad had died suddenly. He had hardened arteries, prostrate cancer, bladder cancer and his leukaemia was back.

Lucy; she died on New Years Day. She was 6 years old. She'd been fighting cancer for a while, she'd been so positive about it, always saying she'd get through it and fight it with her magic medicine. I don't know how she did it - but she stayed positive and smiling to the very end. I miss her so much, she .. was such an inspiration.

Nanna; Nanna died on 11th January. She had COPD, which is a lung disorder. She lost alot of weight and went down to .. well, a scarily amount she ended up weighing. Over Christmas she got a chest infection, she ended up in hospital and she didn't come out basically :( I watched her die for 3 days. Nanna was more like my Mother, she was there for me ALL the time through .. well, forever. When she died, my Aunt blamed herself, so I've always had to support her, but now she's coping a little better .. but I guess I'm not.

I feel like .. I've lost parts of myself, like I'm a jigsaw with bits missing. I can't .. accept what's going on, or understand it, people tell me it's going to be okay and I just get angry with them - how can it be okay? I've had my Nanna, my friend, my family, my .. everything, taken away from me all in one go and it's not fair! I just .. I want them back :(

totallyamazed 03-23-09 04:55 PM

I'm so sorry My heart goes out to you! You have had so much loss that it's no wonder you feel like bits of you are gone. Try to remember that pieces of them are with you now! You have to protect whats left.


jeremiahj13 03-23-09 05:04 PM

Man... I read this, and it darn near brought tears to my eyes!!! (and i dont cry often at all!) This is a very sad story.. I'm so sorry to hear of this.
Thanks for sharing, and letting it out, i hope that helped at least a little... 'I love you, and I hope you have mourning in the night, and joy in the morning. I hope you cope as best you can, and learn that your family, even in Heaven wants you to be happy...
I'm sure they loved you, and care for your well being! Even now. Again, sorry to hear of this a lot!

GLP 03-23-09 06:24 PM

My dad told me awhile back that he's not afraid to die, because he has more friends on that side now, than on this one (more friends dead than alive, he meant).

If you believe in an afterlife, try to take comfort in knowing that when your time comes, you'll have all those loved ones waiting for you on the other side.

I'm sorry you're sad. (hugs)

TonightIWannaCry 03-26-09 11:24 AM

My Granddad .. wanted to die. I think that's the only .. peace I have for losing him. He'd been suffering for a long time, and he hated it, he got so much more aggressive because of it, and he even told my father he was giving up, that he just wanted to die. It hurt at the time, and although it does now, it doesn't as much.

My Nanna .. I kinda feel guilty for. She has COPD, it's a lung disease, she couldn't walk up stairs anymore because she couldn't breathe, we had to carry her to the toilet otherwise she'd go blue and pass out - even with oxygen on. She was ill for so long, and while I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore, the pain intensifies when I think of one of our last ever convos.

She said she didn't want to die; she'd fight it til the end. She did too - she stayed alive for a while. She really didn't want to go. I think she accepted it would happen though, we discussed what she wanted after she died. She didn't want a big funeral, she didn't want all flashy stuff, that wasn't Nanna .. but the hardest bit was, knowing that I would have to go against her wishes :( She didn't want to be burned because she's petrified of fire, she didn't want to be buried alive with the worms because she doesn't like crawly things and she's chlostophobic, she didn't want to be thrown out to sea because she can't swim - she wanted to be stuffed and put in a chair in the corner.

How could we .. do that?

BrokenWings 03-26-09 11:46 AM

Im sorry to hear about your loses, they are never easy, ever. No matter what people tell you, if they havent lost someone close to you, then they dont know, they cant, and even then it is different for everyone. I can only say I know about your pain, and maybe understand to a degree.

With your Nanna, you love her and only want her to rest in peace. With whatever method you choose, I am sure that will be your priority. And I know if she could tell you, she would want you to know loving you in the end is all the matterd, not how she was buried.

TonightIWannaCry 03-26-09 01:01 PM

I just .. I don't know .. I feel like I've gone against her wishes, you know? Half of me wonders if ..she'll hate me for the choice we made (we cremated her) she was always such a strong lady, she was adament over what she wanted all the time and refused to do anything anyone elses way whatever the cost - I guess I worry she's hating me for it now, wherever she is, and I guess I can't handle that, she's all I ever had. She's the only person who loved and wanted me. The only person who gave me hugs in my family. The only person who could tell me it was okay and that she was here.

But now she's not

BrokenWings 03-26-09 01:24 PM

You love her still, that is all that matters...I am not dead yet, but I know when I am gone, my body will mean nothing to me, I wont have it anymore. She would want you to be happy, that is all. I dont think she will hate you for going agianst her wishes, you are only trying to think of her, and how some things just cant happen (your other methods).

TonightIWannaCry 03-27-09 11:51 AM

Yeah, I know.

We made a montage of my Nanna, I love it. I think I'm gunna make my own album for my Nanna though, which I can keep with me always.

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