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-   -   Tell me how to grieve. Please. (https://www.takethislife.com/grieving/tell-me-how-grieve-please-211482/)

DonQuixote 06-29-15 10:35 PM

Tell me how to grieve. Please.
 
I know that sounds bizarre, right? But I feel like I don't know how, and I've basically had a persistent, roiling knot of regret and pain and anguish and anger in my gut for years now. I don't know how to let it go.

Sorry, a little explanation is probably in order: To be brief, about 8 years ago I lost my younger brother to cancer, my father to Parkinson's and dementia, my older sister to a drug overdose, and a good friend to a motorcycle accident. All within a 5 year span.

I don't think ill ever be able to "get over it", but I need to know how I can deal with it and move on.

Dorcus 07-01-15 10:54 AM

Hi there
What an nightmare of a time you have had!!!!
What you describe is grief. There is no letting it go, or getting over it.
All we can do is carry on living and doing the best we can. The ones you have lost wouldn't want you to suffer as you are.
You know they feel no pain now.could you talk to a grief counsellor ? I would really love to know how you go with this . Xx

RavenDarkLight 09-06-15 07:45 PM

Dear Don Quixote: Oh my goodness, dear. That five year span was so incredibly tough! That's a lot for one person to deal with.

I'm hesitant to tell anyone how to grieve, cuz I think it's a really personal thing. What makes sense to me for grieving might not make sense to another. Do you feel "frozen" or blocked inside? I would be too, if I had so many losses in a relatively short span of time to process.

On an intellectual level, I find reading about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's "cycle of grieving" to help me frame the flurry of thoughts associated with my grief. I find it helpful to identify the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance/peace stages when they come. It isn't a tidy process, mind you. I have jumped from denial to depression to anger - all over the map. But it helped me trust that I wasn't going crazy.

On an emotional level, I get really scared grieving alone. I prefer to have my husband or a close friend near by. Not at my side - because I personally need to go inside myself to process my feelings, but I benefit from having someone I feel safe with to vocalize my feelings to once I've explored them by myself. I'm going to see my counsellor this Friday too, which I'm glad for. She's unconditional and nonjudgemental, and a genuinely supportive person. So she will help too. (My Mom just passed away last week, so my grief for her is pretty fresh.)

Does any of this seem to make a connection for you? Grief work is so personal, but I find the two biggies - emotions and thoughts - are pieces that everyone I've ever known who was dealing with grief had to work through.

My thoughts are with you. I hope you get support and some movement toward a positive direction with your own grief work. :hug:

Juno 09-06-15 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DonQuixote (Post 2181762)
I know that sounds bizarre, right? But I feel like I don't know how, and I've basically had a persistent, roiling knot of regret and pain and anguish and anger in my gut for years now. I don't know how to let it go.

Sorry, a little explanation is probably in order: To be brief, about 8 years ago I lost my younger brother to cancer, my father to Parkinson's and dementia, my older sister to a drug overdose, and a good friend to a motorcycle accident. All within a 5 year span.

I don't think ill ever be able to "get over it", but I need to know how I can deal with it and move on.

I'm sorry these bad things happened to you.

There isn't one way to grieve. There are five generally-accepted stages that people go through, but as to the effects, they change from person to person. The absolute best course of action would be to find a grief counsellor in your area and talk through your feelings and get therapeutic help in dealing with your loss. At bare minimum, a self-help book or reputable online site dealing with coping with grief.

:hug:

DPG1 10-15-16 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Juno (Post 2276857)
I'm sorry these bad things happened to you.

There isn't one way to grieve. There are five generally-accepted stages that people go through, but as to the effects, they change from person to person. The absolute best course of action would be to find a grief counsellor in your area and talk through your feelings and get therapeutic help in dealing with your loss. At bare minimum, a self-help book or reputable online site dealing with coping with grief.

:hug:


So true Juno.

People are different and the grieving process is different for everyone.

Don Quixote as for how to grieve, that is on an individual basis. As Juno suggested, speaking with a grief counsellor would be the best course of action to help you with this challenging time. Losing a loved one is never easy and losing a number of loved ones in a short period of time can be quite hellish.

Best of luck and hugs your way.

Not1moreday 11-04-17 07:33 AM

Have you heard of "complicated grief?" If not, research it. As far as "getting over it" - some things in life can NOT be "gotten over" - that is part of the problem w/what we are taught about loss/grief,,the 5 stages of grief people talk about, there are more layers, its more complex and yes, there are some people, I am one of them, who simply don't "move on" after a loss. Right or wrong, that's the way it is. I'm a long time in to the grief process..some days are better than others but I will never be who I was "before" - because what was "before" is forever changed. I have accepted that grief will always shadow me, there will only be a certain level of happiness, things I enjoyed doing "before" the losses I no longer have interest in. When those I loved the most died, part of me did too. There is no going back but in some ways, no really going forward. I'm told it's "complicated grief" but for me, it's just how life is now. Sucks but it's my reality. There is no right way to grieve, no time table - it's all individual so care for yourself - regardless of what others may tell you.


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