BPD Wife and Bipolar Husband
I just found the community and I could really use some advice. I'm a newly wed, only 5 months married. But I feel like my marriage is already over. Just to be clear both my husband and I suffer from mental health issues. I am diagnosed BPD and he is diagnosed bipolar, both with major depression (of course).
We eloped in December and are still planning a wedding for the summer with friends and family, but more and more I don't think we will make it.
My husband has become distant and even sleeps in the spare bedroom. We never, Never, have sex anymore. Its been two months now. Even when we did have sex, (only like 10 times since we've been married) my husband has not been "into" it and can't keep things going (I'm sure you can follow those hints). I feel that he is not attracted to me anymore. I am overweight and it's getting worse as I eat to self soothe.
We barely talk, hug, or kiss. There is very little affection at all. He spends hours on his phone texting, FB and whats app with friends that are girls. He is very secretive with his phone and turns it off if I am near. He changes the passcode often.
He has told me that he doesn't want to go through the wedding and complains that it will be "hell". He was married before and complains that he has already done this and doesn't know why we would want to have a wedding. I want a wedding as I have not been married before and won't give up on having that day for myself.
He also complains that we are spending so much money on the wedding and how much we have to work to pay for it. But here's the thing. He has not paid for one PENNY of the wedding. I have paid all of it so far. My dad is planning to give us about 1/4 of the money , but we haven't gotten it yet. He complains that he has to work late doing a second job to afford it, but he is working at a second job because he has debt from before we were together and his payments eat up most of his salary. I make the same amount as him and I tutor as well. So basically we earn the same. Yet, I have money to put towards the wedding. I have bills too, I also spend money to self- soothe. So I am making payments on my debts and paying for the wedding. On top of that he is often out of money so I end up paying for groceries, household bills and all car care and gas on my own.
I feel like I have married a bum! Last night he was supposed to be tutoring and I found him at the bar instead. He is drinking away all of his money while I work to keep us afloat.
My friends are trying to help me. I think that want me to try and work it out with him. I know I don't want to get divorced, because I stupidly do love him. But here you don't know me or him. Having read that, if you managed to get through all of it. Should I stay?
Thank you for the help.
Hi there :wave:
I am really sorry to hear that :frown: :frown: :frown: :hug:
Well, we nowadays live in age where things that get broken arent tried to be fixed fully, till being thrown away. But i would suggest you, to talk to him, to talk about maybe getting some marriage counseling. :hug: I think that could fix it, if not, then maybe you two should drop it. Just be sure in that decision if/when you make it :hug:
Wish you the very best. keep being strong. Take care of yourself and be sure to chase the happiness :hug:
I was in a similar situation with an ex-fiancée. I begged and begged him to go to couples counselling but he refused.
Your partner loves you enough to be married to you... maybe he will go to counselling with you?
I have friends who went to marriage counselling after almost divorcing and they told me it save their marriage.
Best of wishes for you no matter what you decide. :)
I'm sorry to hear about this too. You sound very unhappy and I'm genuinely sorry that you are feeling that way. I don't want to judge, but it does sound like he is being quite selfish and secretive.... do you trust him? Have you spoken to him about the issues and how he is making you feel? I agree with fragileone, I think that counselling would be a good idea. But I know that sometimes it's quite hard to get both people in the relationship to agree to that.
I think you also need to ask yourself... if he is not willing to try to make you happy, do you really want to go through with the wedding and live the rest of your life like that? Sometimes you need to put yourself and your happiness first. I know that it can be very difficult to get out of volatile relationships though... and it is hard to walk away from someone who you do love and have history with.
I'm not suggesting that you go one way or the other, I'm just suggesting that you try to do what is best for you.
- rtg x
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