I'm so fucking stupid
I have not been feeling bad enough for my tastes in the last few days.
And with that I don't mean that I was feeling well but that I wasn't feeling bad enough to be actually able to conquer it with self-destructive behaviour. When I feel like shit then I feel safe and I have strategies that help me deal with it - not exactly things that are good for me but at least I have something to occupy my mind with.
But when I'm in this state where I neither feel good nor bad, that's something I can't handle. I don't feel good enough to actually do something positive but not bad enough for compensating behaviours to work.
I was feeling like this all day, bored and restless and stressed and I wanted it to stop, so I decided to b/p even though I did not actually WANT to do it. I stuffed my oven with food and then went to the supermarket to buy chocolate stuff and diet coke, started eating on my way home, then ate all the other food before I had to stop. I felt so sick, I barely had to do anything to get it back up. But then nothing would come out anymore and I wasn't able to try harder. I just didn't want to. I don't want to throw up again but I can still feel all this stuff in my stomach and I can't bare that either. My whole room smells of food and it makes me feel sick and I have washed my hands several times and I still feel like there's vomit on it and my throat hurts like hell and I'm dizzy and I just feel like shit.
I don't know why I am doing this. I don't want to do this but I also don't want to not do this.
just to feel something. anything.
As you've said, when you feel bad you know what to do to cope. And when you feel OK you are probably just getting on with things. So when you are in this middle ground it's so much easier to go back to your comfort zone where you know all your habits to get you through. As if your mind is confused by your naturalism, you then feel you have to do something to get out of that state of mind.
In an ideal world your mind would have taken a positive step the other way but that all comes from brain training and healing something eveb myself isn't ready for.
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