My Beloved Indigo has cancer and I'm scared and so sad
Hi everyone. It has been a rough day emotionally for me. I have been holding my grief and fear in all day and I wanted to come process my emotions in my TTL community.
My dog, Indigo, has what the vet calls peri-anal hepatoid adenoma or carcinoma. (he used both words). Basically, he had a tumour a year ago, it was removed, and now it's grown back - with a cluster of smaller tumours in the same region of his sturdy little body.
He had surgery today to have the tumours (plural!) removed. The vet is keeping him the hospital overnight to keep a close eye on his recovery.
I feel shell shocked right now. You know, I laff at myself. I don't know what I was thinking - that I think I'd have him for a long, long time. He's been with me for 8 1/2 years now. But I want him with me for as long as I am on this earth! Very childish thinking.
So I guess I am grieving the realization that my dog probably won't be with me for any long period of time. 8 1/2 years - gone, like that. Where did the time go?
I am easily angered too today. I guess I'm angry at how unfair it seems. I love my dog so much. He is a person with four legs and fur to me. He has a personality, adorable quirks, he loves me back by how good and affectionate he is - he's always trying to make me happy. We make each other happy.
And here are so many irritating humans who push and walk over everybody with their thoughtlessness and their self-centred greed - and yet they get to live for decades. My dog, who is so loving and kind and generous, only gets to live for ? years. A decade and a few. I'm pissed off at how unjust that is right now!
So then I started distracting myself with housework today at home. The house feels so empty without Indie here. I started thinking about those end-of-life decisions that some folks have to make - that I had to make in the summer of 2006 with my first boy, Chevy.
And a Voice (?) said something in my heart - darn, I can't remember what it said exactly now! I was thinking that one day I might have to consider euthanasia. The Voice then said something like "And you will choose to end the suffering for your beloved boy because you love him that much." And I said in my head, yeah, I will.
Then I felt comforted (?) It hit me - I still have him with me now. I need to be grateful for that, and stop scaring myself with future possibilities.
And I am grateful. That I have Indie in my life now ... and that I would have the depth of strength to make that ultimate decision when/if the time for it comes up.
When I first noticed the lump on his body, it was - Please God, let it be impacted anal glands. Then it was - Please God, let the tumour be taken out safely. And now it is - Please God, let the rest of his life with me on earth be happy and healthy. It's like my prayers keep shrinking to the least possible positive result or outcome.
I don't know why I find comfort in that ... but I do.
Thank you for letting me rant/share.
Your post brought tears to my eyes.
You are really loving person and your dog is more then happy to have you. :hug:
I hope your dog will recover soon. But please, try not to torture yourself, no matter what happens. Yes he will eventually go, i will too, everyone will, we all die eventually. And when that happens to your boy (hopefully far from now), please try to think that that will not be "good bye" it will just be "see you later".
Try to cherish every moment with him when he is still "here".
I hope you will have him for long time, love between 2 of you seems to be biggest then many people have towards each other.
I am sorry if i was not helpful... But here are some hugs for you and your boy, i know its not much, but i am sending them from my heart :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: (((((((((((((((((((((((Raven and her boy))))))))))))))))))))) :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Dear nsdimitrije - Of course your response was helpful! You "listened" and validated and comforted. I think that is all anyone can do in a situation like this - of loss - a situation that every living being on this planet will have to go through at some point.
So thank you - and for all dem hugs!
Our boy is home now. His poor body is battered and sliced. But he is resting. He went NUTS when he saw me at the hospital. I've never seen him that wound up - he is usually a very calm dog. Of course I understood why. We were so happy to see each other again.
He's resting - maybe even sleeping. I have a call into a local natural/holistic vet to see if there are any options we can try to slow the regrowth of tumours. Because this cancer is notorious for recurrence. So it's basically buying time now.
But that's okay - I'll take it. Whatever we have, I'll take it.
Here's a picture of the little beggar in his usual spot, waiting for food to drop miraculously down from the supper table!
Sorry for awfully late response!!!! For some reason this didnt show up in my User CP.
I am glad he is home and doing well :hug: :hug: :hug:
Its really making my heart warm the love and friendship you two have. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope you two are having some quality time together.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: (((((((((((((((((((((((((Raven and her boy))))))))))))))))))))) :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thank you, nsdimitrije - no worries about when you posted. I appreciate your response whenever it comes!
I hope everyone is with someone who lights up their heart today - as I am with my beloved four-legged friend today. It is early Spring where we live - trees are budding and the snow is almost all gone. A time for renewal and new beginnings - just like with my beloved Indigo, who is having another new beginning after this last round of cancer treatment!
Awww, thats so nice!!! :) I myself had lovely time today for sure :)
Indigo is lucky to have you :) I have seen some of the best dogs and cats at the pound and wished I could save them all. Just to bring them home, even though I know we only have 10 or so years :) But it's the quality! Indigo has you, the very best he can get. So keep him happy, and when the time comes you'll know to let him go. And it always will hurt and you can never replace them. But there was another life you saved and made brighter.
I have so many pets now..they are my family as well as my human family. And In the back of my mind, I know the basic timeline. But all I want to do is make them happy and make sure they have a good life. so that's what I focus on. I have lost a few over my many years. but I remember them happy.
Hi Tessamess. Thanks so much!
I think that is FABULOUS how many animals you have in your life. My sister is the same - she has 4 dogs and 3 cats and some chickens.
I will do my best to focus on quality. I know I will be so sad when his time comes. But I will always be grateful for what we've shared together. :redface:
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