Have I been depressed for the past 5 years?
 

Am I depressed or low in mood or stressed?

I think I have felt like this for 5 years, could be more.
I met my father when I was 14/15 (I am now almost 23). I didn’t see him many times. It was always me putting in the effort. In the end, I told him I want nothing to do with him because it hurt me to think that he didn’t want to know. But it has not made any difference in how I feel.

It is worse during December to February (Christmas and my birthday). Every card that comes through that letter box, I am secretly hoping it's from him. The disappointment hits me hard. But I hate him. Why do I want him to contact me? I am like it throughout the year too. When I actually have time to think about myself and my own problems, I break down. But to pick myself up, I always think how bad other's lives are. How other's have it a lot worse off than myself. How I should appreciate my life how it is. And then I feel selfish.

I cry uncontrollably, I feel sad, I feel irritated a lot of the time, I can be horrible and short with my family and friends, I feel empty, I have regular headaches, I get chest pains when I feel stressed. I like being alone.

Sometimes I blame him, sometimes I blame myself.

I turned to a bottle of spirit when I was younger to try and push the feelings away.
I have gone on with life, trying to push all the feelings to the back of my head. But I hate the person I have become. I have not told anyone. I thought that the feelings would go away by trying to forget, trying to keep myself occupied. Sometimes I think if my life is worth living. I have had self harm thoughts in the past but I will never go as far as doing it.

I have also had two close friends who committed suicide, close family members pass away. I think it has all got on top of me. Too much for me to keep it shut away.

I want these feelings of darkness and sadness to go away. I don’t want to get irritated with my family and friends for absolute no reason. I am fed up with crying. I have tried so hard to overcome these feelings. I feel alone. I have not told a soul how I really feel.

Should I go to see my GP?
What will the doctor say to me?
What will they do to help?

I am new to this but thought talking to a stranger may help.

I am really sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. :hug: :hug: :hug:

I strongly suggest visiting psychologist. Talk out your feeling and see what happens. They can really do great job in sorting peoples feelings. Or if that doesnt work, you can visit psychiatrist. :)

You can also add exercise and meditation in your life style, it helped many people.

You will feel better, just try everything. Fight the depression. I am, no, we are cheering for you!!! :thumbsup:

Best wishes. :hug:

Thank-you so much for the support and information! I am glad that I have joined this forum. It appears safe and non-judgmental.
I think I have to see a GP to see a psychologist :/

Thanks again. All the best :)

I'm sorry to hear about all of your issues, that's a lot for one person to deal and cope with. I agree with nsd, I think that you really should see a doctor and get a referral to a psychologist. Sounds like you need to learn some coping skills, which will help you rationalise things more. And even just talking about your problems to someone who is impartial can do a world of good (like this place).

If I can advise one thing, it would be to try seeing a psychologist before going onto meds. Try to find out if you really need them first because some of them have some pretty bad side effects. Personally, I would love to be off them for that reason but I can't cope so well without them.