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-   -   I'm losing myself (https://www.takethislife.com/depression/im-losing-myself-183666/)

batflower 11-26-14 06:41 PM

I'm losing myself
I don't expect many people to read this and/or reply, but I like knowing that whoever does come across this won't judge me as they feel my pain too.

I've been severely depressed for almost 2 years. I can't deal with it any more. I've lost my boyfriend, many friends and my family are fed up with me. I'm failing at college and no matter how hard I try to push myself, it always backfires on me and I end up taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back - for every day I push myself to leave the house, there's 2 more days where I simply can't.

I'm so scared that I'm going to end up alone. My boyfriend of 3 years left me because he "couldn't deal with it" - the "it" being what I have to go through on a daily basis. I'm terrified that this is never going to end. I'm only 18 but I feel as drained as an elderly woman would. My friends have completely deserted me, all of them but one. I am so lucky for having this one friend still in my life, however it doesn't make up for the loss of many. I was popular and smart and beautiful before depression took that away. Now, I have no one, I'm slow and tired, and every time I look in the mirror all I see are flaws.

My whole life has become a darkness that swallows me up more and more each day. The negativity completely consumes me, but I still put on a brave and happy face for my family. I go through so much pain daily to ensure my parents and siblings who I love more than anything in this world don't see me in as much despair as I'm in. But that still isn't good enough. During an argument with my mum a few days ago, my sister told me that I'm always looking for someone to blame for my depression, and that all I want to do is bring everyone down with me.

My sister was my best friend. When she said those things, the words stung like none other have done before. I'm ALWAYS blamed because of my illness, whether it be arguments with friends or family or teachers, or any issues that I want to confront with people. It's always my fault because I'm a "crazy bitch".

I hate feeling this way. I hate crying myself to sleep every night. I hate being called crazy. I hate that I've lost myself. But most of all, I hate people telling me that they miss the old me. Because I miss the old me too. Every single day I wake up missing the feeling of positivity. I miss being happy and feeling beautiful and confident. I miss my life before depression and I'm terrified I'll never get it back.

When I was a little girl, I used to get terrible nightmares about the same monster. For months after they stopped, I was scared to go anywhere because I thought there were monsters in real life. Now I realise the only monsters are in my head.

lchambers 11-26-14 08:02 PM

I don't regularly reply to threads and i feel as though i should, I struggle with what i really want to say because I'm scared of what other people might think of me which is weird i suppose, but i just wanted to tell that you your not alone. I relate to a lot of what your saying and feel that i should just put up with it and continue the grind. it sucks not being able to enjoy things when others around you are. It drains you and brings you to a place where you just want to be alone and avoid all contact with everyone.

I find myself quite fake and not normal when I'm with my family and friends, which annoys me as they're the nicest people. I end up just bottling my emotions and continue to put a happy face on for them.

I hope you feel comfort knowing that you're not alone or at least someone cares.

Stay and strong:thumbsup:

Dania 11-26-14 10:28 PM

Do you know what had caused you to severely depress? I'm not sure your severe depression that had caused you to lost them all or your lose had caused you to severely depressed. I'm glad you still have a friend there for you. It's good that you come here, because we experience almost the same thing.

Feel better soon.

Shacke 11-27-14 02:13 AM

While I‘m a bit younger I‘m in nearly same position. So I exactly know how you feel. Sorry I don‘t have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I‘m with you.
Hope you will feel better son.

123Noon321 11-27-14 04:31 AM

I am really sorry to hear this. :( :hug:

But, you know what they say. Night is darkest just before the dawn. You are sick and tired of feeling this way. Now is the best time to confront it. Now you can try millions of things that might make you feel better, whichever suits you the best, may it be, exercising, meditation, psychologist, psychiatrist. But trust me, you have no reason to feel inferior, because you are not inferior. You are not crazy, you are just in pain. Pain that will pass. You wont end up alone.

Stay safe. :hug:

celery 11-27-14 11:42 AM

Hi Batflower. First have some hugs:hug::hug::hug:

It can get easier and it will sweetheart. Whenever I feel severely depressed, I always get jealous of old people. I told my therapist once that I wish I was 87 years old, so yes, I understand what you mean:hug::hug:and I'm sorry that you are going through all this pain:hug:

You are still the same 'you' in that mirror. You are still very beautiful. When you start to feel better, you'll see your beauty shine through again. Don't give up hope even though it is so difficult not to.

Have you seen a doctor at all? It has helped me: got therapy and medication. Perhaps try to have a conversation with your mum where you try to explain your feelings to her?

batflower 11-30-14 12:44 PM

Thank you
I'd like to say thank you to everyone who replied and/or read this. It was my first post and I wasn't expecting any views at all to be honest, and it really does mean a lot to have such encouraging words from complete strangers. I feel a lot less alone, I genuinely think reading those replies saved my life tonight. Thank you so much.

lonely in ky 12-14-14 06:06 PM

batflower, I just want to say that depression is very treatable. Do not let it be an excuse to keep you from moving forward in your life.

mark31 12-17-14 02:08 PM

Yeah even i hate people calling me naive and crazy. It's tough feeling to go through.

Hope you feel better soon.

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