I'm starting to scare myself..
...I would always have these little arguments in my head, two opinions on one topic, and putting myself down.
*My real name isn't being used
I'm 18 now. I think when I was 12 or 13, or maybe even younger, I named my alter ego after my family nickname.
So it was me, Desiree and my alter ego, Desire.
Desiree is sweet, timid, kind, and nice, but weak. However, Desire is meaner, stronger, blunt, and harsh.
Desiree was always bullied, very rarely Desire came out, but at the end of the day Desire always ranted about how they were bad people and how she hopes something really bad happens to them, and just that.
Desire was one of the people to help me through my depression.
After finishing my first year of college and taking in my surroundings, becoming more aware of the world around me, clearly seeing people and their bullshit, I believe Desire has became misanthropic and a narcissist, and it is starting to scare me terribly.
Like the other day I was thinking back on the bays I was being bullied in school, I suddenly started thinking about how I wanted them dead, but I realized "That isn't what I was thinking!"
Then I think about how I would want to be "the higher power" and rule the world and torture and kill every wrong-doer in the world and cleanse the place. Whenever I think about that I smile and giggle like a teenage girl talking to her crush.
But this isn't me! I know it isn't me! I know I can never be that mighty as the higher power and it's foolish to replace its name with mine! I know that, some people, don't deserve death. I know what's right and what's wrong! It's just that Desire scares me..If she was in higher power she would kill people for bullying someone, people with beliefs that are deemed as wrongful, and even kill someone over a song lyric, and oh boy are these thoughts vivid.
I do know that Desire wouldn't actually kill someone, she's all talk...
It's just these daydreams, and her viewpoints...
I'm far from doing anything hasty, and she doesn't control my mind nor my actions but...\
This girl Desire...it's shocking to know I harbor that kind of person inside of me....
Ummm here comes the most obvious question, did you try visiting therapist? And dont let your alter ego control you, be yourself with all your good sides and all your bad sides. You could also try to make the best out of 2 personalities that you have, Take all good sides from both Desiree and Desire, Take kindness, sweetness, niceness from Desiree and take being strong from Desire. And dont think bad about other people, dont wish them dead, be better person then them! One big :hug: for you
I have gone to therapy...when I was in the 8th grade, so that's about 5 years ago. I recall therapy not doing much for me
On a certain level I can relate to this, so this is my personal theory. I don't know if it makes any sense to others, but it worked (and still works) for me.
We all have an inner voice which represents our thoughts and feelings. Especially with strong emotions like fear and powerful feelings like insecurity, guilt and pain, this inner voice may sound like 'somebody else', but in fact it's just a mix of past experiences and perceptions. Some people have very crowded minds, where (bad) inner voices can really ruin your self esteem - even your life.
You can imagine somebody else thinking bad of you (even when this is not true), which I call 'thinking for somebody else'. In these cases you may have an inner voice that actually sounds like this other person. It makes the experience very real, but also very misleading.
I think 'Desire' is the voice of your self defense mechanism, a 'version' of you that represents all kinds of qualities you don't actually have (and hopefully never will).
What you need in this case is a manual / road map. All voices that speak bad of you (or others) are not the REAL you. You should train yourself not to believe a word it says. It's hard when you're overpowered with emotions and feelings, but at some point you'll always be able to say 'this wasn't me'. You'll get better at it over time, and your NOT ME response should become natural. Eventually, the (bad) inner voice will shut up because it's no longer able to control you.
So first of all, you're not hiding a demon inside you. And even if it were a demon, it's nothing compared to the creative power you have. Just read your own post and you'll know I'm right. It's incredible what you can make up. You can use the same power to create a good version of you, a version that doesn't kill people for listening to the wrong music.
The little arguments became tough discussions, it probably took you a lot of time to 'develop' Desire. It will take a lot of time to shut her up. You don't have to 'finish her off', because she may be of some use when you're in real trouble. As long as she remembers you're in charge.
One last thing. You probably hate violence, that's why your alter ego scares you so much. You need to remember that unconditional love also implies stopping people from harrassing you and others by kicking some loving ass for the good cause. And if you don't know how to do that, learn to defend yourself both verbally, mentally and physically. Integrate your alter ego into a better version of you. Sweet, nice, confident, and strong when necessary.
I understand what you are going through. I don't feel that I have an alter ego, but I have certainly had the violent feelings of either wanting someone to be dead, or that they would get some kind of karmic bitch slap or retribution. I would never act on it myself, its just more that I wish someone else would do it to them, but it still scares me. Its also not just a fleeting feeling, it lingers and drives me nuts.
I can't really give you any advice on how to deal with it because obviously I can't deal with it myself, I just want you to know that you're not alone. :) *hugs*
Does Desire pick on Desiree?
Also, you ARE part of the higher power, and part of it is all of you.
As SecretMillionaire says, maybe you are assuming or worrying about what others think of you. That is a cognitive distortion called mind reading. And Desire blaming you for being "weak" is a cognitive distortion called personalization.
Also, have you done any anger management stuff? :) Are you diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder? Do you have bipolar disorder? Your mood (and what you want out of life) seems to go from one extreme to the other.
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