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Shaydar 06-27-06 05:28 PM

I think I try to hard. I want so badly to be needed that I push people away. I want to trust so badly that I get a abused again and again. Then I find I push away the ones that don't hurt me because they didn't seem to care. I just think I'm broken.

shadowAKA086 06-27-06 05:55 PM

Why would you think this way, Shaydar? We all accept your advice and find it to be healing and inspirational. No one here thinks that you're annoying or a pain. We all thank you for caring about us, and care about you in return. It's not something I said, is it? If it is, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make you feel unwanted or unneeded.

Shaydar 06-27-06 06:26 PM

No Shadow it's nothing you have said. I've just feel so alone. I just don't feel smart enough or pretty enough. I try to be what they want. If I was things wouldn't be so hard.

irishred 06-27-06 07:00 PM

shaydar!! you are more together than you know.

but, alas, life can still get us down. what we see in ourselves and how we feel is not necessarily the good either. smart enough? pretty enough? for who?

you look great to us:)

but seriously, what is going on? just the day?

helperdude 06-27-06 07:43 PM

Be like cartman..if life gets you down you be like "aye! you better stop gettin me down ...and stuff ...or I'll ...uh...kick you squar inna neuts!"

Shaydar 06-28-06 11:55 AM

Thanks Helperdude.
That gave me a much unexpected, but needed laugh this morning

Shaydar 06-28-06 12:03 PM

It's partly because I go down my phone list and it's 1/8 the size it was before my dad. I was always a social creature. First one to be there last to leave. Everyone thought I was so happy and perfect. It seems like half the people I still have on that list I can't call anyway. I lost so many friends because I defended what my dad did to everyone. My family, my friends, even complete strangers that tried to say suicide was wrong. It couldn't be wrong if he did it. I know that logic doesn't make sense, but he was my world. He was the one thing that keep me together and I couldn't hear anyone say what he did was wrong or immoral. I never grew angry at him. I understood, but was more angry that I couldn't go with him.

irishred 06-28-06 01:22 PM


What a struggle you must have with people over your dad's suicide. I think the thing THEY don't get is that your dad was suffering from physical problems and saw no end in sight to the point that his life was already (basically) ended. His wasn't a rash, emotional, and instant decision based on the problems of the day. Who knows what we would have done if we were him?

Also, as the daughter who loved and adored him, there is no way that you are ever going to feel that what he did was "wrong," which is totally fine. We aren't put here to judge others' or their actions, but to be responsible for our own. They don't have to agree with you, but it is too bad they have alienated you because of it. You understood your dad and his decision. He was your world - and he obviously taught you a great deal about life.

The stupid people that attempt to mess up our already stressful lives!

Hang in.

Shaydar 06-28-06 07:42 PM

You are right. He couldn't even walk anymore and he was a man's man. It's that and he was the only one to ever love me without the physical and mental abuse. I actually had someone 3 days after he was gone tell me he was a coward and I almost decked her even though it was christmas

irishred 06-28-06 11:04 PM

WELL - go back and deck her now, singing "Deck the Halls..." on your way out!! What an idiot thing to say ESPECIALLY to the daughter!!

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