EDNOS and I
Food and I have had a complicated relationship for a long time. We've had love and resentment, both at the same time. I lose weight and gain weight, I starve and fast, I binge and purge, I hate me. It soon become to obvious, people noticed. I decided that I couldn't do this alone, that with depression, anxiety and insomnia already controlling my life, that I couldn't deal with an eating disorder as well, even though I aspired to be thin. I saw a doctor and she diagnosed me with bulimia at first but after counselling sessions after counselling sessions, they noticed that I had the mind set of an anorexic, along with some but not all behaviour but certainly did as someone with bulimia would do. She decided it was EDNOS and it all made so much more sense.
EDNOS, along with any eating disorder, is like a person living inside your mind and controlling you, telling you what food is wrong and right, reminding you of your discontent with yourself and forcing you to take unhealthy measures to change it. I remember that I went through a phase were I became physically ill because I had no energy what so ever, I was on holiday in a tropical climate and I had eaten, I felt bad about it and EDNOS told me to purge, so I purged and my body couldn't take it and I fell, hit my head, and cut it open. I was concussed and felt wrong for days. I did a similar thing multiple times where I would either not eat enough or anything at all, or keep purging and just pass out. But the real me wouldn't have chosen to be like that, it's the voices in my mind. I'm wanting to recover but it's so hard.
From anything i have heard that is called "the voice of ana" as in anorexia. And yes, it is a legit voice for sure. It takes a lot of strength to defy the voice. Because that voice wants nothing good for you. Or for anyone it invades. I am glad you are getting help.
i too am in therapy. Its hard. I have both starving and binging. today was a binge day. But I do not have the voice. I just have a lifetime of starving and then binging. I am underweight now. But weigh more than I did. I was never terrifyingly underweight. It did scare some people. But others ( even my mother) found it quite admirable.
Stay strong. Stay in therapy. And the way to silence that voice is to learn to not listen to or believe it. This will make you stronger than it. and eventually it will become less. essentially light is stronger than darkness. And YOUR voice is light. Thats how I see it.
Its all in willpower, ignore the voice, and of course like rosie said ,,Stay strong and stay in therapy". :)
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