i'm not important.
 

consider this my introduction, because i don't even know where to start. i don't even know why i joined; i'll probably just be regarded as one of those needy people who probably hasn't been through enough to even begin to understand what real suicidal feelings are or what real depression is actually like. but really, i think it's different for everyone, regardless of their stance. sometimes, i can't tell if i'm really depressed or suicidal or if i'm exaggerating things; i'm seriously confused. i guess i joined because that's what i am most of the time, lost in a sea of confusion in my mind. excuse the cliche metaphor, but that's the best way that i feel i can describe it; or rather, that's the most original thing that came to my pathetic mind at the moment. and that's not even original! :roll:

i don't know if this really makes much sense, but my suicidal feelings and depression have acted as a comfort for me. i'm not very good in social situations at all.; and the loneliness and disconnectedness that i feel from others is almost healed by my negative feelings. they act as a comfort blanket, a novacaine to the brain to dull painful feelings of rejection that i'm perceiving everyday and have since 5th grade. that's when i started feeling a lack of importance to others. i mean, let's just face it: i'm not important. even when i was born, i wasn't important. my sister was obviously more important than i was.

i'm scared of coming out of this comfort blanket and relating to others because people just don't really have much to offer in the way of what i'm actually wanting; perhaps, i'm selfish. who knows, i'd need an objective opinion on that one. i've been very hypersensitive for some time, now. speak the truth, but please, i can do without anything harsh. i think, anyway; unless you feel as if it's needed. sometimes, stuff like that is.

i'm sorry about the rant..i've just needed to get this off of my chest; hopefully someone can relate or do something..i'm kind of at my end's, here. i'm not going to do anything rash, but i need some sort of kind word. generally speaking, humanity is not kind. i don't know what to do..i've never been at this low point in my life; but i appreciate the support that this forum is already offering. there is much more going on inside my head, but if i typed it all out, it would be td;lr for sure. :P

Re: i'm not important.
 

Hi Sugar,
Guess your not feeling so good today,...I am glad your not going to do anything rash,...there is no reason for that,....You are important,...and I am not sure why you don't feel that way,..but you have your reasons,...I am sure,.....
You sound depressed,..like so many of us here,..we are glad you found us,..you have a place here,..to tell us how you feel,..
I am sorry you are going through such a rough time,...have you tried speaking to a therapist??? I am not sure how old you are,..so I don't know if you have the means to find one,...or if you are still living with your parents,....but it is good to be able to speak with someone,..on a regular basis,....it may sound scary,..but it really is a good thing....
Sometimes people feel isolated,.and rejected,.as you say you feel,...but it doesn't have to stay that way,....it will take work,..on your part,...but ,..of course you can and will find your way out of this,...Let us know how you are doing,...keep talking to us,...we care,...

Jupiter

Re: i'm not important.
 

it's really hard for me to talk about these feelings because i feel like i'm using people. does that make sense? i don't know..it's like no matter how hard you try, though, you cannot escape humanity's inclination to manipulation. everyone manipulates in some little way. :( i don't like this, but, i guess we don't have to look at it as a bad thing? i have a lot of depression due to existentialism; and being a secular humanist isn't helping matters i suppose. i have a lot of idealistic things that i would like to see happen in our world to make it better, but i lack the motivation to act. hm...

i feel like in telling people about my suicidal feelings and ideations that i'm manipulating their feelings; and in a way, i am! even though, i'm trying to better myself as an individual, i'm only hurting someone else's feelings in the process. and i hate that with an undying passion. i have responsibility over my own life, and if i so choose to ever take it, it would be up to me and i would go quietly.

Re: i'm not important.
 

i know how you feel, my own negative thoughts are a buffer or a shield against bad things that happen or disapointments. i also know how bad it feels to be inadequate or unimportant, i have a big family, 9 siblings, all of them very talented, and a very untalented me.

Re: i'm not important.
 

it doesn't help my inclination towards depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder that i'm scared of my stepdad. i never know what he's going to do, he's been in trouble with the law in the past due to domestic abuse of my mother. recently, he's confessed to my mom that he's taken himself off of his anger medication and has been off of it for a few months now! i'm so scared right now that he's going to be angry with me for something i did this morning, or rather didn't do--i didn't wake up to help my sister get on the bus, he ended up having to do it; and i don't know for sure if he even tried to wake me. sometimes, in past experiences, he's lied to my mom about trying to wake me up and not being able to wake me despite his pounding on the door and yelling to make me feel humiliated and miserable for whatever reason, i guess it's just that? he's the type who loves mind games; and his mind games are very scary. those times that he claims he's put a lot of effort into waking me up, though,--they don't make sense, because i would have heard him pounding and yelling. why would someone lie about that other than to make it seem like i'm a horrible person? what a bastard. i seriously hate the guy sometimes; and i want him to die. >:( his methods of control, as you can see, are very crafty. they're all psychological so that you can't actually prove anything, no actual allegations towards him, but at the same time you yourself know what's going on but yet it's suspenseful enough so that you yourself don't even know for sure if you're on the right track. it's fucking awful. fucking awful. i wouldn't wish this on anyone. it's like one of those horror stories on the lifetime channel put to practice. i've lived like this in fear for sooo long; i just want out. D: no one wants to help me; nobody but myself can.

on top of that, my sister is mentally challenged; and i know that she's scared of him, too. so, how did he get her on the bus this morning? he's not a gentle, understanding person by nature. when i went down to the kitchen, the milk was all gone, and there were excess chips lying all over the counter. those weren't good signs; it most likely meant that she poured and/or drank the rest of the milk and packed too many chips into her lunch bucket. of course, thats going to make the asshole angry, especially since he was probably in a hurry to get to work...so, i have to wonder if he had to use force to get her to board her bus? makes me feel bad, i've let her down again. :(

Re: i'm not important.
 

Well Sugar,..I think you need to speak with a therapist,..someone that you can trust,..or maybe a family member,..you seem to be in an abusive situation,...and you really need to get out of that envirement,..as does your sister,..emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse,.if not worse,...I am so sorry for what you are going through,...Isn't there other family members that you can stay with?? Are you in school,..do you have guidance counselors that you can talk to,.or a trusted teacher??
You seem to be in an intolerable situation,..and not a safe one either,...Please try to get some help,.as soon as you can,..you need to be in a safe place,...please try to reach out,..any way you can,....there are places you can go,..to be safe,.....I am worried about you,....
Please keep talking to us....

Jupiter

Re: i'm not important.
 

dont worry about me. i'm ok. i would hate for anyone to worry about me, that's a waste of energy. :) today i managed to try something new: i mentally blocked out all emotional attachment and was somehow able to retreat into "my own world" within my mind. i don't know how much more of this that i can take, though. no, there's no one trusted whom i can really talk to. im more worried about my sister than myself, though; but my mom is too damned stupid to get her out of the situation. :(

i honestly don't know what to do most of the time. i guess i'm stupid, too. i honestly do feel like a dumbass most of the time because i'm always confused. always. why doesn't someone else kill me so that i don't have to? god, i'm even too unmotivated to kill myself!

always trying to figure out some new equation for the universe, but i feel like the weight of that is upon me. first, i have to know all of the ones that are out there, but there are so many that it's pretty much colossally impossible. :\ i know that no one is going to understand this last part and i'm going to be dubbed as super weird and what not, but i had to get this off of my chest. i'm constantly having all of these scientific thoughts flooding through my mind about genetic engineering and such, and they're scary. :? my last one that scared the shit out of me was about using genetic engineering (or just engineering in general) to completely restructure a person's brain--like, if we become advanced enough, rewire someone's brain using even mechanical devices to suite how you want it to operate-- and i thought "oh my god, i can't share this with anyone..." i'm having dangerous thoughts about humanity, and i don't know what to do. i know that it's probably just a work of fiction in my mind, but..it's overwhelming, nonetheless. that probably shows how ignorant i am about genetic engineering and what not, but..oh well. i know i'm stupid, so fuck it. maybe someone who knows more about it can help me out, here? i'm really confused and have no idea why thoughts like these are flooding in all the time. i read a lot of physics books too, so i'm always thinking about parallel and multiple universes; and i'm afraid that some of the microscopic particles of my body in this universe could be existing in those other ones and it could have something to do with the "soul". we don't know, and it scares the crap out of me that we don't know. i don't know who to talk to about these things. i'm a super freak. the devil could exist and could be gaining hold of those microscopic particles in another dimension--that's another weird thought i have. how can i go on like this??? this is FUCKING INSANE. and any scientist is just going to laugh his ass off at me if i talk to him about it. :( maybe i'm intellectually overwhelmed?

see? a therapist is even going to be like "what the hell?!" too. i know that you genuinely care, Jupiter, and i appreciate that , i really do; but....can you honestly relate to anything that i'm talking about? =\ i probably just SCARED you.

i don't know..i can't handle these thoughts on my own... :( i just want someone to understand and be able to relate to what i'm thinking about. in addition, i'm always worried about high blood pressure. i knew that someday knowledge was going to be overwhelming to me. this kind of stuff keeps me awake at night....just knowing that...idunno. sometimes, i just want to stop thinking altogether...sometimes, i've imagined just taking a large knife and stabbing it through my head, my skull, my brain, because it's a mess. my brain is clearly a mess; therefore, i'm a mess anyway. what good is all of this nonsense within my head going to do? i used to wish for ignorance...because i have a feeling that it is bliss. i used to wish for faith..because it seems like people who have faith don't have to think as much. or at least they're not confined by logical thought; they seem so free...brainwashed, but free. i want that. i want it so badly. but i know too much now to ever have that small belief in god again. i know i just contradicted myself, but yes, sometimes i think that i'm stupid, too. i hope this doesn't offend anyone; remember, i'm just venting. i want help, but i don't know how to ask.

last night, i kind of decided that i was a nihilist, too. that might help.

to add to it, i just had someone say "you're not very bright, are you?" even though it was a completely different situation altogether, those words hurt b.c i already think i'm dumb. :\ i know that i'm just rambling on and on....

Re: i'm not important.
 

Aww,..Sugar,..first of all,.you don't scare me,..at all,...and your NOT dumb or stupid,...so please don't say that about yourself,..you are highly intelligent,.and that is obvious from your posts,..and,..as a matter of fact,..I have heard of a parallel universe,..and it absolutely fascinated me,..you have some very interesting thoughts,...and you have many questions,..seems like more philisophical as well as scientific,..a little bit of both,..but you are not to be discounted,..or thought of as "crazy",.who are we to say? I wouldn't even begin to tell you the thoughts that have gone through my mind,..but that is not the point,..it is your mind,..and everyones mind works differently,..it is how we,..as individuals navigate our world,..and that is what makes each and everyone of us unique,...welcome to life,..you are certainly not crazy,..nor stupid,...but,....I still advice you to see a therapist or a doctor,..because of your uneasy feelings about how you are handling your thoughts,...I feel as though you need someone to share these thoughts with,..to ease your mind,..and somehow,..lower your anxiety level,..
Please keep talking to us,...we care about you,...

Jupiter

Re: i'm not important.
 

well, thank you for your gentle and kind words, Jupiter. :) i also like how you worded that-- "welcome to life"; not "welcome to the real world," as that seems to denote some condescension.

a little bit ago, i thought about the concept of life having meaning, and i ended up deciding that as of now, i'm still a nihilist (and a masochist) BUT that doesn't mean that i cannot enjoy life by perhaps serving others. as for my appreciation of art, philosophy, psychology, and science/mathematics, i'm just lacking some motivation there. : P although, i am proud of myself for actually drawing something over the past few days; it's kind of different, it's along the lines of anime..but not really. it's like anime in that i made the lines in the girl's hair pink.

anyway, i seriously don't really derive meaning from life as of yet; but there is reason and purpose, of course.

i agree, somehow i need to go see a therapist or at least keep talking on here, you've helped loads. thank you so much for just listening. hooray for run-on sentences, but i'm not particular about grammatical structure right now. :roll: it really does help to just know that i can share my thoughts and feelings on here, and nothing bad will happen. i always have this notion that my mind is surrounded by some kind of evil force and that thinking certain thoughts which are twisted in with certain feelings could strengthen the evil force(s), and i could even become possessed or maybe i am possessed (it could be partly because of my religious upbringing--conditioning-- + the ocd); but when i can freely share those thoughts, they can become fun to think about. ^_^ they're imaginative! i could write some really cool things. i do consider myself an atheist, so i don't really believe those things on the basis that they haven't been proven.

what all have you read about parallel universes? the first time i laid eyes on a book like that, it just opened my mind to a whole new perspective world and sometimes gave me this surreal feeling. what initially got me interested in physics in the first place was the absurd concept of time travel. :p believe it or not. after i read about it, i bought a $5 PC game where, throughout the whole game, the character is trying to figure out who's trying to kill him by traveling backwards and forwards through time, while gathering different clues. it's truly intriguing. they talk about the philosopher's stone and an artificial life form called homunculus. interesting game. Shadow of Destiny, i'm sure lots of people have heard about it. i don't really know how many people actually like it though. :p

i haven't read this whole article yet, but i found a few points in there that i thought tied in with my own evil force theory. although i think that the homunculus argument is a bunch of bunk, it's an interesting read. perhaps you've already seen it. after i read some of it, it dawned on me that there were some similarities.

i don't think i have anything else to say..except that i think that this website is saving my life. i hope i can be an encouragement to other people on here, too.

Re: i'm not important.
 

Hi Sugar,..how are you doing?
I am glad you are here,..and sharing with us,..you are very interesting,..
I remember reading about that parallel universe a while ago,....and I was so intrigued by it,..I could stop thinking about it,...I was trying to imagine myself in that universe,.and at the same time,..I felt I was losing touch with reality,...so,.I had to stop,..it just wasn't good for me,..but I can see how some people can get carried away,.....lol,.....
Now I have my feet firmly planted on the ground,....did you also ever read about the 4th demension???,...that was another thing that intrigued me,...
Well,..you sound like you are doing well,..but just need some guidance,..and I think you should maybe consider a therapist,....I think it would be good for you,...
Please keep talking to us,.....

Jupes