Take This Life

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-   -   Shame (https://www.takethislife.com/depression/shame-139169/)

Cayce93 01-20-14 12:07 AM

As I'm sitting here alone..all I can think about is how truly ashamed I am....I can feel it all eating away inside of me with no way to stop it. Was I ever truly happy? Was I ever truly whole? All of the memories I had as a child, the happiness and innocence are gone..all that remain are images of the pain that I endured. When mother left..Derek was so angry. He hated me. How could so much anger and hate exist inside of a fourteen year old? I remember going to school and watching my teacher look at the bruises..yet she never said a word. I remember being so happy to go to school...watching the clock as the hours that I was safe ticked by. Can you imagine? An eight year old being excited to go to school and terrified to go home...that's the year that he started coming into bed with me at night..

Being teased relentlessly in school...my friends turning against me when they had found out about my brother. Calling me a freak..a slut....these were just children. I didn't even knew what those words meant back then, but I knew they hurt. The bullying went on for years..even after my brother left home. They called me horrible names...in sixth grade a group of boys held me down and cut off my hair...I was miserable...I wanted so badly to die..even then. But then, I moved away...

And now...just as I was starting to get better and be happy again...IT walked into my life....he was so popular..everyone adored him....captain of the basketball team..straight A student....his parents were even teachers..he went to church every Sunday and even worked at the movie theater...but little did I know...deep down in him was a dark side that he kept well hidden....even now, the memories are still fresh in my mind...his hand over my mouth..my arms pinned above my head....I'm screaming..begging him to stop...but he won't....I'm crying like a little girl...his breath in my ear...he's so heavy....and he hurts me..hurts me...hurts me..over and over again.....and then he gets up and smiles....leaving me there..in a pool of blood and tears...there is so much blood..it makes me queasy...something just happened to me...I don't even know what..but it brought back everything....every bad thought and painful memory that has ever entered my mind...it's all back..

And here I am...3 years later..still tormented by the same one who killed me inside that October night....plagued and tormented still..wishing I was anyone in the world but me....I am so ashamed of the girl in the mirror..this little scrawny, weak, used and worthless piece of crap...I hate her....I wish she were dead..

Uncomfortably Numb 01-20-14 10:01 AM

I'm so very sorry. :( You've suffered so much, and it must have been so incredibly hard to live through all that. You didn't deserve any of what you've been through.

I'm very proud of your for writing about what has happened to you. That's a very hard thing to do, but it's an important step in the healing process, and I hope you give yourself a pat on the back for doing so. Letting your pain out and allowing others to help is huge.

You're not worthless, not at all. You're a very nice person who has been the victim of terrible crimes, and that has taken a toll on how you feel about yourself. Some people have treated you like you don't matter, but it's not because you're worthless, it's because they are selfish, violent, horrible people who take pleasure in other people's pain. What they did to you was criminal. We lock people like them away, because they are the ones who are truly worthless.

I read in another thread of yours that you haven't been eating very much - is that still the case?

Cayce93 01-20-14 10:05 AM

I can't eat...I end up throwing it all up anyway..can't sleep either.

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Uncomfortably Numb 01-20-14 10:12 AM

:( How long has that been going on for?

Cayce93 01-20-14 10:13 AM

On and off since that night...

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Uncomfortably Numb 01-20-14 10:16 AM

Are you able to see a doctor?

Uncomfortably Numb 01-20-14 10:22 AM

OMG, do you mean off and on for three years???

Cayce93 01-20-14 10:30 AM


Uncomfortably Numb 01-20-14 10:34 AM

Geez, that's a very long time. Have you tried eating foods that are easy on the stomach when you're in a rough patch, like chicken broth or saltine crackers?

Cayce93 01-20-14 10:40 AM

I've tried everything...my nerves are just so shot....I can't hold anything down...I can't sleep..since school started back, it's so hard to focus on my studies when he's there...I can't even leave for school without getting sick first....I just don't know what to do..I don't even know who I am anymore.

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