Wrong Choices
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Wrong Choices

This is a discussion on Wrong Choices within the Physical Health forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; I did not go to treatment today. I just couldn't go. I was too depressed and simply could not cheer ...

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Old 03-18-13, 10:19 PM   #1
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I did not go to treatment today. I just couldn't go. I was too depressed and simply could not cheer myself up enough to go in. This why people who are depressed or ill need support. There are times when all people need is push to keep going, but just like the last time I stop going to treatment, I simply can't fight this depression.

I know it is not good for my health to not go to treatment especially since my health is particularly poor. The truth is I just don't care anymore. Just recently I thought I was on the road to recovery from depression and thought I found the faith and the hope necessary to keep fighting. But the truth is I need support. I need someone or a group of people to be there when I feel like giving up.

But that is the problem. I don't have anyone and as I try to cope with the illnesses I have, my financial dilemma and utter ruin that has become my life could use the affections of others to help motivate me to keep living.

That's just it. I am so tired if this is all I have to show for my life. I am tired. I don't feel I am better than anyone or that I am some special person who God needs to fix, but I am so tired of nothing issues. I can't think of time I was not in some type of stress or struggle. Either I am dealing with a severe health issue which affects my financial life because I am not healthy enough to take care of myself. Ironically, even though I was very depressed I thought I would be some what okay last year. Until I let someone move in who said all the right things then used my like 4th hand toilet paper.

Now here I sit trying to recover from he and others did to my finances while attempting daily dealing with the weakness, fatigue and harshness of the chronic kidney failure I face. Everyday I have to wake up to the reality that I am slowly dying and that everything I do is important to my health right now. I am not at a place where I can just sit back and take it easy. I have to attend every treatment, appointment and take every bit of medication there is to just get back to a point where walking up one flight of stairs won't make me feel like my lungs and heart won't give out.

And yet that is another thing that stresses me. The medications. Currently I take nearly 25 pills a day. Obviously that much medications comes with side effects and takes a major toll on my stomach and liver. Sometimes I am sick from taking that many pills. My appetite is nearly gone and what appetite I get is from smoking marijuana and even though it is amazing I can eat without wanting to throw up. In fact the only reason I have not completely wasted away to nothing is due to the fact I smoke. When I goes days or weeks without smoking and I continue my daily regimen of medication I can't even drink water without throwing up.

So what do I do. I don't want to spend the rest of my life smoking weed, but I really don't have a choice. In fact, I have not smoked any since Friday. I have only gone through 1 can of fruit cocktail since that day. I force myself to eat when I don't smoke but later after I have eaten I become nauseated and usually vomit. Of course, that is not good for me when I go to treatment. I am already weak all the time from not eating then I go to treatment and lie in that chair for 4 hours and when I leave I am weak and cold and barely have the energy to walk. Right now it takes me nearly 2 hours on transit to get home and the whole time I feel like I am going to die. Even as hungry as I am when I get home, I can only eat a small portion of food.

This is what I had today. I have a bunch of cans of fruit cocktail and peaches. I placed a can in a plastic container the other day. I put the container in the fridge. I ate some of that today. I also had a soft taco that I attempted to eat. That is all so far. I ate maybe 4 tablespoons of the fruit and a third of the taco. I washed it down with lemonade and that is all. I didn't even eat a a bowl full of fruit, just enough to fight the increasingly horrible hunger and stomach irritation brought on by not eating. I could not eat more than that. Any attempt at filling my stomach only results in vomiting later. In fact, I was taking anti-nausea medication but eventually it stopped helping. I would throw up even if I took 4 pills and the prescription only recommended taking 1 maybe two in extreme cases. However, when I smoke I barely throw up if ever.

I am a mess right now. I need help. If my health was better and/or I had support this would not be so taxing on me. Take make matters worse one of my recent hospital visits revealed a host of other medical issues that require even more medication. Great. Like I need more problems with my appetite. So here I sit 20-30 lbs under weight, anemic, suffering gastritis, chest soreness, fatigue, constant abscess appearing EVERYWHERE on my body, black spots all over chest and back, chronic pain, extreme weakness, dizziness and a host of other things. And yet I am expected to be able to get up and motivate myself daily without a drop of support to help me see my way through. Death would be the best thing for me.
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Old 03-18-13, 11:11 PM   #2
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hey sweetie... fuck, i don't know what to say. you got me at a loss for words. but i'm sorry for the lack of support available to you. doesn't the hospital or community offer any support groups for you?
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Old 03-19-13, 09:36 AM   #3
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To answer your question, no. There is nothing out here for me and if there is no one is telling about it or thinks I need to know even though I have requested help. I am insignificant where it counts. If I am lucky I will die soon
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Old 03-19-13, 10:34 AM   #4
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have you checked on line about charitable organizations in your area who can help with transportation and other things that could help you. do you live in a larger or smaller area in GA? you could call a church or salvation army and see if they could help you at least find something that can get you transportation. no one out there is helping you, so that leaves you to try and find what you need. i know you are super down, and anyone in your situation would be too. i'm only offering a possible idea to see if you can get the help you need to get to treatment. the only real person we can count on in our entire life is ourselves. other people might be there 90 or 50 or 10 percent of the time, but we are there 100 percent of the time to take care of what we can...for ourselves. i'm sorry if this upset you. i really want you to get to treatment.
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Old 03-20-13, 01:55 PM   #5
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Thanks. i am sure it will work itself out. I just have to be able to make it thru the summer. I suppose i have to get used to the fact I meant to do this alone.
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Old 03-20-13, 01:56 PM   #6
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Nyghtcloud - You don't have to do this; alone. We are here for you & always will be here; you're not alone.
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