I did not go to treatment today. I just couldn't go. I was too depressed and simply could not cheer myself up enough to go in. This why people who are depressed or ill need support. There are times when all people need is push to keep going, but just like the last time I stop going to treatment, I simply can't fight this depression.
I know it is not good for my health to not go to treatment especially since my health is particularly poor. The truth is I just don't care anymore. Just recently I thought I was on the road to recovery from depression and thought I found the faith and the hope necessary to keep fighting. But the truth is I need support. I need someone or a group of people to be there when I feel like giving up.
But that is the problem. I don't have anyone and as I try to cope with the illnesses I have, my financial dilemma and utter ruin that has become my life could use the affections of others to help motivate me to keep living.
That's just it. I am so tired if this is all I have to show for my life. I am tired. I don't feel I am better than anyone or that I am some special person who God needs to fix, but I am so tired of nothing issues. I can't think of time I was not in some type of stress or struggle. Either I am dealing with a severe health issue which affects my financial life because I am not healthy enough to take care of myself. Ironically, even though I was very depressed I thought I would be some what okay last year. Until I let someone move in who said all the right things then used my like 4th hand toilet paper.
Now here I sit trying to recover from he and others did to my finances while attempting daily dealing with the weakness, fatigue and harshness of the chronic kidney failure I face. Everyday I have to wake up to the reality that I am slowly dying and that everything I do is important to my health right now. I am not at a place where I can just sit back and take it easy. I have to attend every treatment, appointment and take every bit of medication there is to just get back to a point where walking up one flight of stairs won't make me feel like my lungs and heart won't give out.
And yet that is another thing that stresses me. The medications. Currently I take nearly 25 pills a day. Obviously that much medications comes with side effects and takes a major toll on my stomach and liver. Sometimes I am sick from taking that many pills. My appetite is nearly gone and what appetite I get is from smoking marijuana and even though it is amazing I can eat without wanting to throw up. In fact the only reason I have not completely wasted away to nothing is due to the fact I smoke. When I goes days or weeks without smoking and I continue my daily regimen of medication I can't even drink water without throwing up.
So what do I do. I don't want to spend the rest of my life smoking weed, but I really don't have a choice. In fact, I have not smoked any since Friday. I have only gone through 1 can of fruit cocktail since that day. I force myself to eat when I don't smoke but later after I have eaten I become nauseated and usually vomit. Of course, that is not good for me when I go to treatment. I am already weak all the time from not eating then I go to treatment and lie in that chair for 4 hours and when I leave I am weak and cold and barely have the energy to walk. Right now it takes me nearly 2 hours on transit to get home and the whole time I feel like I am going to die. Even as hungry as I am when I get home, I can only eat a small portion of food.
This is what I had today. I have a bunch of cans of fruit cocktail and peaches. I placed a can in a plastic container the other day. I put the container in the fridge. I ate some of that today. I also had a soft taco that I attempted to eat. That is all so far. I ate maybe 4 tablespoons of the fruit and a third of the taco. I washed it down with lemonade and that is all. I didn't even eat a a bowl full of fruit, just enough to fight the increasingly horrible hunger and stomach irritation brought on by not eating. I could not eat more than that. Any attempt at filling my stomach only results in vomiting later. In fact, I was taking anti-nausea medication but eventually it stopped helping. I would throw up even if I took 4 pills and the prescription only recommended taking 1 maybe two in extreme cases. However, when I smoke I barely throw up if ever.
I am a mess right now. I need help. If my health was better and/or I had support this would not be so taxing on me. Take make matters worse one of my recent hospital visits revealed a host of other medical issues that require even more medication. Great. Like I need more problems with my appetite. So here I sit 20-30 lbs under weight, anemic, suffering gastritis, chest soreness, fatigue, constant abscess appearing EVERYWHERE on my body, black spots all over chest and back, chronic pain, extreme weakness, dizziness and a host of other things. And yet I am expected to be able to get up and motivate myself daily without a drop of support to help me see my way through. Death would be the best thing for me.