Hello everyone :0)
I am posting on here in desperation because I cannot say out loud what I am going to write down!!! :0(
I was diagnosed with depression 3 months ago and put on medication which I stopped taking as my partner didn't agree and asked me to stop!!
Anyway since then I have been ok (or thought so)!
My partner has been getting headaches and acting odd and going to hospital behind my back but won't tell me why and what is wrong! Anyway this has gone on for some time and I have in my head built it up to something really bad (I.e terminal)!
I was driving home from work 2 nights ago and it must have been on my mind and all of a sudden a voice appeared and said 'I hope he dies!!!' :0( I immediately panicked as I really of course don't - I adore him and if anything happened I would not be able to live without him!
Since then I am hearing chants saying die, die, die in my head and that I want all my family dead, I want my partner dead, if Gavin has cancer its my fault and I have caused it and telling myself he is going to die a painful death - I am basically thinking HORRIBLE HORRIBLE things that aren't me!!! I wouldn't hurt a fly! I even sat and thought if I have a child I think it should die as I don't deserve to be happy and other awful things! What is this voice? Why am I so horrible??? I am thinking of leaving my partner through it as its making me feel I am betraying him by thinking this stuff but I don't want him poorly - I love him so so much :0(
Please help me!