My knees are making me crazy!
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My knees are making me crazy!

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Old 10-18-11, 09:41 AM   #1
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Default My knees are making me crazy!

Hi everybody, this is my first post here but I've been reading the forums for a bit now. I'm happy to have found such a warm, inviting place where you can be yourself without judgment! Just a quick intro, I'm Kat, 28 years old from Canada and was just diagnosed with depression 2 weeks ago.

My depression started because of my health and my parent's health. In November 2008, dad got diagnosed with kidney cancer and was given less than a year to live. In March 2009, mom had a massive heart attack, literally fell over dead at work, but they defib'd her 5 times and were able to revive her. So in the span of about 5 months I nearly lost both of my parents. Thankfully now, they're both still with us, dad still has cancer and mom is living with many complications from the heart attack.

Fast forward to April 2010 and my knee flares up, and hasn't flared back down since. I've been unable to walk for 17 months and currently get around on crutches and I suffer with chronic pain because of this.

I've had knee problems almost all my life. I was diagnosed with Patella-femoral syndrome when I was 15. The long and short of PFS is that basically your kneecap moves the wrong way. So in 2003 and 2006 I had surgery to try to fix that. It didn't work.

So April 2010, I was on our elliptical machine trying to lose weight. that night my knee flared and I just brushed it off because I've had pain off and on since the last surgery.

Well the pain never went away, instead it got considerably worse.

I've now seen 7 doctors all who have different ideas as to what it is. All my tests, mri, xrays and bone scan.. have come out normally.

#1 was my family doctor who basically just said "I don't know" and sent me for an mri, then 6 months later put me on percocets for the pain which I was on until yesterday.

#2 was an ortho doc said it was a super bad case of PFS and put me in a wheelchair, tried a pain med and an anti inflammatory that didn't help

#3 was another ortho doc who yelled at me, insinuated I was a liar and a fake and said I should never have been put in the wheelchair (meanwhile his colleague put me in it) and I should just throw my crutches away and suck it up and walk

#4 has become my primary care doctor. He doesn't know what it is and he's the best orthopedic surgeon in the province. He sent me to a rheumatologist (doc #5) another ortho doc (#6) and now a pain/rehab specialist (#7) and for physio (who couldn't do anything for me)

#5 Rheumatologist, ruled out arthritis

#6 Ortho doc, spent less than 5 minutes with me and said nothing

#7 who I saw yesterday, changed me to codeine contin for the pain (so far not helping), added 2 machines to try to help relieve the pain, and told me to be ready for this to be a life long problem.

I always said to people that I could handle knowing that this was going to be the way my life is for the rest of it, as long as someone just told me that. Now that it's pretty much been told to me, it's a very scary proposition.

So 7 doctors, 17 months, and nobody knows what it is. Nobody knows what's causing the pain and the fact I can't move my knee.

So now I've become depressed because I never was able to deal with all the emotions that came about from my parents being ill, now my health has taken a turn for the worse and it's impacted my entire life. I've been gaining weight like mad, because I can't exercise.. I can't find work because nobody wants to hire someone on crutches even for receptionist type work, and so because I can't find work and don't qualify for disability or any type of social program, I'm broke and living at home with my father.. then add to that no social life and no dates in 8 years...

I finally went to the doc 2 weeks ago crying because I needed help. He actually told me he wasn't surprised based on everything I've been through in the last 3 years. He put me on Remeron 30mg to also hopefully help me sleep because through all this I've also been battling insomnia. So far it's not helping for either the depression or the insomnia, but I do know it's going to take a while before I start to really feel the effects of the medication. I start counselling this week as well.

How do you guys try to stay positive when it feels like the world hates you? I look around at other people my age and they're all married and have kids. They have jobs, they have money and they have their own place.

Because of my physical disability I feel like I'm being left behind. Like life is passing me by.

How do you guys deal with physical pain that works in tandem with the emotional pain of depression? It just seems to be a vicious cycle.

I'm just so tired.. I'm tired of fighting the pain, I'm tired of not being able to walk, I'm tired of doctors poking me and hurting me more, I'm tired of doctors not knowing, I'm tired of being a loser who still lives at home with no money or friends, I'm tired of being broke, tired of being physically tired.

Sorry about this being so long and I'm really sorry if I came across as whiny or really annoying.. I try not to complain about all this stuff... but I've just hit my limit now..
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Old 10-18-11, 10:05 AM   #2
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First of all, welcome to TTL :) You will find this to be a very kind and warm place, the people here are some of the best and I've rarely seen a more harmonious forum of this nature.

I have no idea what it is to live with pain every day. I have coped with pain in shorter burts, I had problems with my own knees during adolescence which lasted a few years. I have also had other health problems which lasted for a couple of years and I have certain stress-related afflictions which will likely be permanent. That being said, I can't put myself in your situation directly because it is unique and there will be others on here who are far better equipped to offer support.

All that I can really do is to say that your concerns and your depression are entirely valid considering what you have been through and are going through. You have done immeasurably well to cope this far and hopefully we, on this forum, can help you cope going forward. I know that you will be able to offer some great insight to others also.

So again, welcome and make yourself at home :)
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