I used to dream. I used to desire. I used to care. I used to be attractive, but not anymore. I have medium-sized to extremely tiny sores/scabs EVERYWHERE; from the top of my head to legs and thighs. The bacteria inside me is forming boils and abscess any and everywhere on my body. Right now my face has 3 super large bacteria filled abscess, 1 on my neck and a small one in my left eye brow. I told my doctor during my appointment yesterday and he prescribed an antibiotic to see if it would help. The medication was not available for to pick that day but now I can't afford the copay which is only $3 nor can I afford to use the transit as I need to save my transit card to get to dialysis.
I had surgery yesterday to have an access inserted in my arm. This surgery was not about to happen because I don't have anyone in my life. What I mean is, hospitals can not let you leave alone after surgery. Someone has to escort you home. Well, I don't have anyone so they almost didn't perform the surgery because no one was there for me. Finally they decided to keep me over night. But that goes to show why I am so depressed. I have no one to show up when I am in need. I have no one to care when I am sick. No one there when I am weak and need help. No one to help me get through this extremely difficult period of my life which is one of the reasons why I want to die.
No one should have to go through extremely difficult periods in life without support and yet that is what is going on for me. I have no one. No support at all. I mean I can't even afford $3 for a copay but if I had support someone could help pay for things like that If I had support with a car then I could go pick up my medication without fear of not being able to get around later if need be. Instead I lay here in pain because I couldn't get to a pharmacy to drop off my prescription to help cope with the pain from surgery. Instead I lay here with huge new and old boils and abscess that I can't fight because I can't get to the medication that would help.
I am so tired of hearing from people on how it will work out. HOW!? How is it going to work out when clearly support is what I need to get through but there is no one who is willing to support me. My family would claim to help me but I was home once before and became very ill. My family did not help me during that period at all and I thought I would die. So I don't believe they will be any different now. My roommate just became a manager of a restaurant in the past 2 weeks. He is focused on school, work and his relationship so he offers me no help. In fact, his car is here but he is not. I don't know where he is or when he will be back so I am here alone with no help. I have no one else I can call. NO ONE!!!!! Any and everyone who might care lives at minimum 6 hours away.
So it appears that I am destined to be another statistic. Another human being who ended up poor, sick and died for nothing. I thought I was going to eventually do well and become a source of support for others, but that is not the case. I have HIV, Chronic Kidney failure and other things. I used to advocate for others in my past who went through some of what I am gong through. How ironic that I came here to become what it is I seek; support. Everyone on this planet needs someone. Not to live out your life or to do everything for you, but you need someone when you are down to help cheer you up and keep you going.
You need someone when you feel hopeless to remind you life if worth living and to keep pushing forward. You especially need someone when you can't physically take care of yourself or when taking care of yourself physically is too taxing on your health. I am that the latter of that scenario. I find that I can take care of myself for the most part, but ironically doing so is taking a huge toll on my health. For instance today, I am cleaning up and trying to find and prepare something to eat. However, having just had surgery Tuesday, I am in a great deal of pain and moving around the way I am is not helping. I need support for a time like this to help feed me and help me look out for my health. If the fistula that was inserted in my arm fails it would be because I could not sit still and give it time to heal and work.
This is why I need support. I can't tell if this thing is working or not and if it fails I will have to go through surgery thing all over again and very soon as the tube in my chest is months overdue to be removed.But if I don't get up and go take care of things, it will only get worse for me. So what am I supposed to do. I have told social workers but they don't seem to able to help. I have told my doctor, my roommate and the nurses at the dialysis center and yet there is no one help in sight for me. No one to help support me get through this KIDNEY FAILURE thing. So it appears my destiny is to die alone. My destiny does not include a loving family who will do anything to see to my survival. My destiny does not include supportive friends or loved ones to surround me in a time of need. No my destiny is to die alone, hurting and suffering lacking all the kindness, compassion, and love a person needs to live. I am living my destiny now if I could only die right now so I can finally have peace.