I have this in "health issues," but my health is closely tied with my mental state. My back is hurting really bad. It's very hard to sit, to lay down, to stand. I feel trapped, because there's no position that involves a lesser amount of pain.
I went running yesterday. I love to run. I love to exercise. It calms me, and it prevents me from self-injuring and from breaking up the things in my house in a rage. It gives me something to do to make the time move. I really really enjoy running and any aerobic exercise. It scares me bad to watch my body deteriorate like this. I'm scared that one day I will be in so much pain that even I, SuperGirl, Ms. Incredible, Ms. Doing-The-Impossible, won't be able to will herself out of bed.
I feel scared and trapped. When I feel this way, I start feeling sorry for myself. I feel overwhelmed by the number of complications lupus has brought me. I get mad when people make snide comments about me wearing gloves. I know it's 70 degrees outside. They say I'm wearing them for attention, blahblahblah. I have fucking Raynaud's disease. My finger tips blow up and turn puprle, and they hurt like a motherfucker. I'm scared I'll end up having to get them amputated from tissue death. It's actually a reality, a very real possiblity.
My wrists and elbow joints hurt, too. It's hard to open doors or do any kind of hand work. But I can type and write though, so I guess it's all good.
My legs scare me, too. Every now and then, I get the sensation of water running down my leg, both of them at different points. But when I look, there's nothing, no water, no blood, that I can see, on them. I am imagining that something popped on the inside, underneath my skin, where I can't see, and that's what's running down inside my leg. I'm scared, because I don't know what's happening. And that's been my lupus experience from the very start. All this stuff gone terribly wrong, nobody believing I'm in excruciating pain, people blowing my pain off, me hallucinating and psychotic because I have no where else to take my pain.
The story of my Life
: PAIN, incredible PAIN, and no one to tell. Me, alone, in pain.
When I eat anything, it feels like I've ingested shards of glass. The pain is sharp and cutting. My stomach rolls and distends. It bloats up. My intestines wring themselves into knots, and the pain has me holding my belly in agony. I have worked so hard to overcome the anorexia and bulimia and compulsvie overeating, and now this. I don't want to eat, because it causes so much pain. Immediately following the food I eat, is belly pain, back pain, and hours of the Toilet Tyrant. It's depressing.