A very long story short, I was born with an issue with my feet, ankles, and knees which has caused me to have bad foot and ankle pain my whole life and major knee issues as of my mid thirties as cartilidge has started to break off inside my knee joints. Since 2011 I have gone through 3 knee surgeries to clean it out.. yet the issue is not fixed because the breaks are being caused by my knee alignment and knee caps tracking a bit off and scraping the cartilidge away. Always a fairly active person, I can no longer even ride a recumbant bike for just 10 minutes without fluid backing up into a bakers cyst, I can no longer go for walks like I always have, etc etc. Swimming is about the only thing I can do, and our local pool is booked up every night with people's aquatic and polo groups which is the only time I have where I can get there because of work.
Anyway, I have been suffering constantly with knee pain and loss of life activities since 2011 and have found a wonderful group of orthopedic doctors. They not only draw fluid off my knee and give me injections under my knee caps (and now in my hips as my issues are spreading) every so often, but also prescribe me pain medication and antiinflammatories- these help me be on my feet for up to 15 minutes without severe discomfort, allowing me to do basic household chores and fix meals for my husband and son.
Last year they passed legislation that require anyone who gets opoid pain meds to visit pain management docs. Ok, so I began to see a pain management doc and let her know that I don't like having to take the meds so much because I feel like it is not a long term solution. I have been suggesting and begging my docs for about 2 years now (after the 3rd knee surgery) to replace my knees since that is inevitiable, but because I am only 40 years old, not 50, they don't like doing the corrective surgery due to future repairs that are needed on the replacements. So, I get put on medicines and get to suffer through this even though a surgery will most likely fix my knees so well that I won't even have to go to the doc for shots/ etc anymore!
So, back to the pain management. I have done just fine on it and have weaned my pain meds down to a much lower dosage, started back in May. I've done everything my doctors tell me and am doing my best to try and loose some weight (despite the fact that I can't exercise without hurting myself) and back around Labor Day, I was feeling particularily down and when visiting with a friend, was offered a bit of pot. I tried it back in college a few times at parties, and have heard how great it is for pain relief/etc, so being the depressed and chronically in pain person I am, I was a human, and I made a mistake and took 3 puffs from their pipe.
Well, this past week, I had an appt with my pain management doc, and she surprised me with a pee in the cup test for the first time since May, and guess what. Me being the honest person I am, told her what I had done, and also told her that it is not something I normally or ever do, and she seemed to get really upset and said that if the test came back with that in my pee, she could no longer treat me.
I totally understand this, and I don't blame my doctor. She has to follow certain laws, and in my state, there is no headway on the medical marijuana issue. Today, I get a call from the doctor office saying I need to make a follow up appt asap to discuss my urine test and for me to bring all my medications with me.
So I am so freaking upset at myself, first for having a week moment and making a terrible mistake, and now because I have probably removed the only thing in my life that makes the chronic pain bearable. I also have a feeling that if I hadn't of been honest with my doctor about this one time I did this, it probably wouldn't have even shown up since it has been 3 weeks and was the only time, but because I mentioned it, I just feel like they can say it was there even if it wasn't. I don't know what to think, I just know I made such a terrible mistake, when in my everyday life I am nothing but as perfect as possible, and I have probably just ruined my healthcare, as this doctor was helping me move forward to tell the other doctors to go ahead with the corrective surgery so I can just leave all this behind me.
I just don't know what to do, but I know by making that one time mistake I have to face the consequences, it just seems like really steep consequences for being a human and making a mistake one time. I feel so mad at myself. I am not looking forward to having to face the pain without the meds, and just hope that she will put in the recommendation for my surgery so I can just move on and not have to deal with this anymore. Feeling so lost and angry at myself for making a mistake and then being so honest about it. Although, I feel it is right to be honest.