So, it's been a while since I've been on here, mostly because I feel that I've gotten so much better. Now, though, I'm curious as to what my problem could've been.
So for two years my life was hell. I was depressed all of the time, had self harmed, and contemplated suicide. I had three major crushes, none of whom worked out to be boyfriends. My problem with them was that I'd get very close to them very quickly. It would become unbearable to not be texting them at any given point. When they try to go away, especially when I was upset, I would try to manipulate them into staying and texting longer by saying I was upset, that they were what kept me from hurting myself that I felt like I needed to disappear, etc. Oh of course I'd feel ashamed of everything I said, but I would act on complete impulse. I would become afraid that they hated me whenever they weren't talking to me. Or if I knew they told somebody something they didn't tell me, I'd become angry, and envious and protective of them and feel like I'm being cut out. I would complain to an outside friend that nobody would ever love me because none of these boys did. Conversations were always strained and awkward with everyone I talked to for that whole two year period, like they would send one word answers to whole paragraphs of text, or they would leave me out of the conversation if it was with other people. I actually wanted to try and "commit suicide" but purposely fail just to go to inpatient care. At some point I began feeling so bad that I would feel as though I was caught in a dream, or that my head felt all fuzzy. I don't believe that I had DPD, which is what I at first thought it was, because I could make major decisions for myself, I was just extremely upset and couldn't function without my crush talking to me. I'm thinking I have BPD, though since I'm only 16, and I know you can't really diagnose a person until they're 18, I'm not gonna use that term to describe myself just yet.
I'm wondering if what I ha(d/ve) is the onset of bpd or something else. If it helps, my dad is extremely mentally ill, and my therapist believes that he has a personality disorder from the way I describe him and the medicine he takes (which is anti-depressants and antipsychotics).