This is going to be long so please bare with me if you're reading.
I haven't used this in a long time. Last year was awful and it lead me here due to me obsessively searching for forums or chat rooms where I could find someone to make a fatal pact with. I've been better since around February, a lot better actually, to the point I went from rotting away in bed to now in full time work.
It's been good up until now. Hah. I can't hold down a job. It always ends in tears.
I've begun therapy for BPD - I'm on MBTi, which is the first 12 introductory session into MBT (MBT is mentalisation based therapy). It's early days so I can't absolutely say that it's helping or not, but I do know that I wish it would progress a little faster. I don't want to wait for up to 12 weeks just so I can have one to one therapy/counselling again, but I can't afford to have two hours of therapy within a week. Unless they were both on the same day, but if not, I can't. They really need to do weekend or night therapy. Not all of us can afford to go private.
I was really excited and motivated to begin therapy, but as always, BPD is pulling me back in. Has anyone else experienced competitiveness with BPD? As though you must
be the sickest? You have to stay sick and make yourself worse? I'm at that point again. My anxiety has been really playing up and I got medication for it yesterday (citalopram 20mg and propranolol 10mg). My hypersexuality has been my biggest difficulty. I despise cheats with a very strong passion, but lately I've been close to cheating on my partner and putting myself in seriously dangerous situations, just like last year. I also relapsed with SH the night before last.
I feel like I'm a lost cause. As soon as things get better, they come crashing right back down again and there's nothing I can do but just accept it. I'm absolutely done with being sick. I hate it. I just feel as though, if I have to deal with this for the rest of my life, what's the point? Why should I have to suffer my entire life? Nothing works, and yet I'm still expected to stick around. I don't quite understand the logic behind it.
I'm glad I found this site last year because it's helped me with venting. It's a shame I'm back, I suppose, but it's comforting for me. And one other thing - with BPD, is anyone else afraid of happiness? I'm terrified of being happy because I've never been
happy. Not for a very long time, anyway.