Everything I did for someone, my loyalty, my time, my respect, my love; itís like it meant nothing, like it doesnít matter, never happened. I was always real and I was never on any bullshit. But none of it mattered, none of it was appreciated. What gets me the most is how I feel that everything was deleted, erased, and how expendable I was, and now feeling like I am being forgotten and everything I did is forgotten. I may have never even existed. Being easily replaced by someone else. Was I just needed, was it all lies, manipulations, and gassing my head up, none of it was trueÖ.
I am tired of this happening with everyone that comes into my life. Being rejected, being used, being played with, being lied to. I am not a trusting person, but when I put my trust into someone I think is worth it, I open up to them, make myself vulnerable, make myself available and am there for them, someone to rely on and believe in; only to have them abandon me for no reason; just because. It is person after person until I am left with nobody. No friends, no one to confide in, no support system, nobody that cares or shows affection. All my life things have been this way, never had any friends, never been in relationships, never had a social life. I feel like I am going to ultimately be isolated from everyone and have no one in my life, and not by choice. Ostracized by society. Can I sustain being a loner involuntarily, to not have friends or family, to not matter to anyone, not make a difference in anyoneís life. I wonít last that long. I canít sustain living like this. But I have no choice it seems at this point. I donít think I am going to make it.
I feel so worthless. A piece of shit. No value. Insignificant. Scum. Inferior. Rejected. HatedÖIím tired.