when I read the sub-forum list I was like, gee WHICH one do I chose? I fit so many.
I'm a woman in my 30's. I self-diagnosed as having BPD last year which my therapist confirmed, but insisted it was "high functioning." Reading up further on it, basically it seems the difference between high and low functiong BPD is if you can hold down a job, and if you have required hospitalization. Well, I hold down a job (though nearly lost it once due to absences), have never been hospitalized or attempted suicide. So, boom, high-functiong BPD.
I was bulimic for 12 years. I'm still not sure how that stopped. Perhaps after I lost my craving for food due to depression being so severe, I lost weight and became happy with my weight. Now food doesn't do anything for me, so no need to overload on it, then purge out of guilt. I guess that's one way of getting over it.
I was physically abused by both parents as a child and had an NPD mother and an alcoholic father. What was hardest was the emotional neglect.
I began having panic attacks at age 8 which spiraled into agoraphobia. I've been diagnosed with major depression and bipolar II, though bipolar II and BPD overlap so much, my mood swings are very rapid, I tend to think it's pure BPD.
I was lucky in that I was smart and attractive. I finished college but have remained in a dead end, terribly unsatisfying, pointless job. It could be much worse, it pays the bills.
My first husband was an addict and our dream home, etc - all my efforts to finally be normal, be as good as all the other girls I knew, have a normal life - went down the toilet when we lost our home and he emotionally abandoned myself and my son.
My second son was born out of wedlock after the divorce to someone who should've been a one night stand. This son is disabled; it could be worse but he is unable to speak more than a few words and will never live independently.
My second husband had NPD and was abusive. I finally left him.
Now, who wants me? I'm used up, two kids by 2 different dads, my youngest being disabled. Oh and did I mention I have herpes? Yes, a gift given to me by my boyfriend when I was 20. I haven't had an outbreak in 10 years and no partner has ever gotten it from me but it's kind of a hard thing to get a man to take a chance on.
So, I'm intelligent and attractive enough for my age, not overweight, good sense of humor, have a pretty well paying job, extremely loving and affectionate. But what of it? What man will want my baggage. I go on a date and we like each other but then - oh, BTW, my son will always live with me, I have herpes, I have panic attacks, I can't travel anywhere with you due to phobias! And, I have an estranged relationship with my family and few friends. See I'm a real winner!
At my core I have a lot of self-loathing. I found a man (2nd husband) who wasn't afraid to tell me I was shit and it actually drew me to him. That's how sick I am.
I think often about suicide. I know I can't do it because of my kids, and also afraid I wouldn't be successful and would live a disabled life.
Thanks for reading my rant. I don't know what I want out of this forum. I want the pain to go away and to be normal like the other women I know, who have houses and families and vacations and normal kids who can play sports and husband with good careers. It's like I was never meant to have any of that. My family of origin combined with my poor choices got me here and I'm not getting any younger. I'm lonely for my exhusband and hate myself for it.