BPD, anxiety
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BPD, anxiety

This is a discussion on BPD, anxiety within the Personality Disorders forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Hello all, when I read the sub-forum list I was like, gee WHICH one do I chose? I fit so ...

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Old 06-05-14, 11:20 AM   #1
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Default BPD, anxiety

Hello all,
when I read the sub-forum list I was like, gee WHICH one do I chose? I fit so many.

I'm a woman in my 30's. I self-diagnosed as having BPD last year which my therapist confirmed, but insisted it was "high functioning." Reading up further on it, basically it seems the difference between high and low functiong BPD is if you can hold down a job, and if you have required hospitalization. Well, I hold down a job (though nearly lost it once due to absences), have never been hospitalized or attempted suicide. So, boom, high-functiong BPD.

I was bulimic for 12 years. I'm still not sure how that stopped. Perhaps after I lost my craving for food due to depression being so severe, I lost weight and became happy with my weight. Now food doesn't do anything for me, so no need to overload on it, then purge out of guilt. I guess that's one way of getting over it.

I was physically abused by both parents as a child and had an NPD mother and an alcoholic father. What was hardest was the emotional neglect.

I began having panic attacks at age 8 which spiraled into agoraphobia. I've been diagnosed with major depression and bipolar II, though bipolar II and BPD overlap so much, my mood swings are very rapid, I tend to think it's pure BPD.

I was lucky in that I was smart and attractive. I finished college but have remained in a dead end, terribly unsatisfying, pointless job. It could be much worse, it pays the bills.

My first husband was an addict and our dream home, etc - all my efforts to finally be normal, be as good as all the other girls I knew, have a normal life - went down the toilet when we lost our home and he emotionally abandoned myself and my son.

My second son was born out of wedlock after the divorce to someone who should've been a one night stand. This son is disabled; it could be worse but he is unable to speak more than a few words and will never live independently.

My second husband had NPD and was abusive. I finally left him.

Now, who wants me? I'm used up, two kids by 2 different dads, my youngest being disabled. Oh and did I mention I have herpes? Yes, a gift given to me by my boyfriend when I was 20. I haven't had an outbreak in 10 years and no partner has ever gotten it from me but it's kind of a hard thing to get a man to take a chance on.

So, I'm intelligent and attractive enough for my age, not overweight, good sense of humor, have a pretty well paying job, extremely loving and affectionate. But what of it? What man will want my baggage. I go on a date and we like each other but then - oh, BTW, my son will always live with me, I have herpes, I have panic attacks, I can't travel anywhere with you due to phobias! And, I have an estranged relationship with my family and few friends. See I'm a real winner!

At my core I have a lot of self-loathing. I found a man (2nd husband) who wasn't afraid to tell me I was shit and it actually drew me to him. That's how sick I am.

I think often about suicide. I know I can't do it because of my kids, and also afraid I wouldn't be successful and would live a disabled life.

Thanks for reading my rant. I don't know what I want out of this forum. I want the pain to go away and to be normal like the other women I know, who have houses and families and vacations and normal kids who can play sports and husband with good careers. It's like I was never meant to have any of that. My family of origin combined with my poor choices got me here and I'm not getting any younger. I'm lonely for my exhusband and hate myself for it.
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Old 06-05-14, 07:27 PM   #2
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Welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifegonewrong View Post
I was bulimic for 12 years. I'm still not sure how that stopped. Perhaps after I lost my craving for food due to depression being so severe, I lost weight and became happy with my weight. Now food doesn't do anything for me, so no need to overload on it, then purge out of guilt. I guess that's one way of getting over it.
It's good you got that problem solved, even if accidentally. When I'm sad, I tend to use food for comfort. I don't lose my appetite unless I have cramps or a high fever.

Quote:
I was physically abused by both parents as a child and had an NPD mother and an alcoholic father. What was hardest was the emotional neglect.


Quote:
I was lucky in that I was smart and attractive. I finished college but have remained in a dead end, terribly unsatisfying, pointless job. It could be much worse, it pays the bills.
What did you study at college? Is your job related? Why is your job a dead end? Could you get another job with your skills that is not a dead end?

Quote:
So, I'm intelligent and attractive enough for my age, not overweight, good sense of humor, have a pretty well paying job, extremely loving and affectionate. But what of it? What man will want my baggage. I go on a date and we like each other but then - oh, BTW, my son will always live with me, I have herpes, I have panic attacks, I can't travel anywhere with you due to phobias! And, I have an estranged relationship with my family and few friends. See I'm a real winner!
Strange, I also have herpes and a disabled son who might live with me for life too. And I'm dirt poor and ugly.

It will be hard for me too to have man who wants to be part of my life in the traditional sense. I'm coming to terms to that and learning that perhaps it's not as important as I think. It's more important to take care of myself and have a good relationship with my son.

Quote:
Thanks for reading my rant. I don't know what I want out of this forum. I want the pain to go away and to be normal like the other women I know, who have houses and families and vacations and normal kids who can play sports and husband with good careers. It's like I was never meant to have any of that.
Maybe those things are not as important as you think.
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Old 06-06-14, 08:06 PM   #3
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Hello,

I tend to think that screwed up isn't normal, & keep people at bay for it. I have recently come to terms that there is no normal, & that everyone has "screwed up" & it's so hard because I self loath too.

I always knew there wasn't a "normal" but the, over the top emotions, & people tell me, they're not bad to have. The license I should have had at 16. The first car I should have had before 30. A real relationship that lasted longer than 6 months by someone that isn't abusive, the degree I should have had before 25....the good men that come along, but I doubt myself & my value, & they end up being hurt & turn away. -Because I do weird things. The girlfriends I mistreat when they need a lift, it's a two way street.

I have BPD, & just had an outbreak that stayed dormant for 6 years from HPV, even though I had been tested time & time again. I have been abstinent sexually for that length of time. IDK whom I could have gotten it from. I was a virgin until 20. I say this because I was a good girl, & I was angry. I did things I'm not proud of & my life will never be the same because of it, but that is life. I understand warts to herpes are quite different, but both quite alarming, & emotionally painful - mine brought up the past I try to keep hidden.

I was diagnosed with BPD at 21. Diagnosed with Dysthemia at 19, & agoraphobia further down, anyways, um - I hurt myself a lot from 21-23 with men especially out of loneliness & although I was hella smarter than that, it's what happened, & I am healing from it now. I will be 30 this year. I push people away, I can't even hang onto friends. I victimize myself. I make excuses. The life I want is passing me by because I self loath.

What I mean to say, the above is only my way of saying, Yes I relate to you. I don't think you're as bad as you think you are, but I know how BPD fits in to all of this. It's painful. But it's not who we are, rather what we have. That is curable. That's a plus. It has gotten better. I just keep motoring along.

I think finding the good that you have, that you are heading to, can lift you. & yes I think too, you already see that it COULD be worse. I think it's great to acknowledge. Silencing the mind when it spirals out of control, & remembering you have the power, & you ARE intelligent & you are safe. When I quiet my mind, it's hard, but it helps me remember that this moment, this thought, is just all emotion. I am not so fucked up as I think.


You are your children's whole World & you get to choose what kind of impact you have on them, they may not even see what you see but they can feel your pain. Unconditional Love & Kindness come in many a package.

You are my kinda normal.

"If you're not weird, you're not normal, now that's weird. (C) ~myself 2011

Last edited by iNdulge; 06-06-14 at 08:09 PM.
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Old 09-20-14, 12:49 PM   #4
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Wow, labels like high and low functioning need to be explained, otherwise the person will become low-functioning thinking that people think they can't do things, all because they lost their job or were hospitalized or attempted suicide. Furthermore, labels like that will make some people reluctant to admit they lost their job or need hospitalization or attempted suicide...


Hey, don't resent your younger son. :) Or yourself, for that other stuff. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. The same goes for you, Nobodyhelpsme. Stop wanting the car and the job and the house and all if you want it because others want you to have it or want it.

iNdulge: I agree that a person who has every trait like that totally normal is not normal!
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