Borderline personality disorder
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Borderline personality disorder

This is a discussion on Borderline personality disorder within the Personality Disorders forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; I have reached a point in my life where i cant take it anymore. There is no going forward, everyone ...

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Old 04-29-14, 09:08 AM   #1
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Unhappy Borderline personality disorder

I have reached a point in my life where i cant take it anymore. There is no going forward, everyone tells me to get my shit together, let go and start a fresh. But the problem is that I have tried so often before, many many times that the thought is repulsive and only shows how incapable I am to really make a change. Man have i tried.. Iv spent the better part of my life running from one job to another and run away from people I perceive that dont respect me, just ppl who dont care for me. I am seen worthless in people's eyes because nobody understands why I havent got my shit together in ten years. I am 27 now and i dont need too work because I need o study and pass my graduation papers. But since my boyfriend left me and went abroad, things have stood more still I guess. I have been depressed and a control freak who doesn't know how to control but still tries, for as long as in all my memories. School was hard, so i took to booze and cutting school. College was bad too so i took to cutting it and then eventually leaving it to join another and then leaving that two after the first year. Then work too has been a series of similar disappointments where I cant seem to relate to people. It is never the wok, Im alright at everything I do, copy writing and whatever other jobs I have got, It is always always the people that drive me away and make me feel small and just different. i just dont understand why people do shit and work and are driven to go on with their lives, when life is just a series of repeats and your past hangs. If i change that attitude, I know I will be faking it. Because depression has a way of creeping up and making you question why you are doing what you are doing and whether it is worth the trouble even. I was diagnosed with borderlline when i was twenty one i guess and since then i have got sporadic treatment where i choose to seek it and then after a couple of months just leave out of my free will because nothing seems to help. Medication has been pointless too, making me more lethargic. I have no energy ever. Like ever. Getting up and brushing my teeth is pain in the ass. My diet is fucked because i am an emotional eater and eat when i am happy, sad, bored and whatever other emotion in the spectrum. I from time to time throw up too. I do not have real friends that i like and hate people currently, i am envious of their less disturbing lives and I cant compete so i lay low.
My boyfriend cheated on me for a long time and then eventually left six months back. He treated me horribly and i took it. Id fight back and yell and scream shout, but i took it. Im still in touch with him and he tells me on certain days that he wants me back and what a huge mistake he made, and i fall for it and lap it up. I m so at a dead end that i honestly believe that he is the only one that can give me any little tid bit of happiness and comfort just for comforts sake. Even a second of psuedo comfort seems like heaven at this point. This is a mistake and a misconception but im too caught up. He calls me names and defends all his actions and does not take a productive step in the right direction nor does he feel my pain when i cry and bark about suicide. He is selfish and im still hung up. i cant get him out of my life and my head. He is there all the time. He was the turning point in my life.
I do not know what career to choose. I would be graduating in psychology soon and my parents are fed up. I dont know what to do with my life and franklt the line of work i will take shall be about helping people and i dont care for people and hate them and they are just another freak who is strugglig to be alive and doing a better job than me. I have no empathy left and get sick of people and things too quickly. Except my boyfriend, I held on to his tight.
I have given up honestly and i wish to die. I have been lucky as i dont have financial constrains at the moment because my parents are cool but i seriously know that i will have issues with people everywhere i go and i dont have the will to do it anymore. I have tried for years and years and I cannot fail anymore nor lie to myself. I cant just sit at home and sleep walk either. Simple things like getting up on time and sleeping not too late is a task. I have no will honest to god to go forward. I need closure in terms of saurabh and need to see the guy. Not to get back but to talk and understand his point of view. I dont want him back but i need to put an end to this email exchange back and forth of hateful words. I live for his emails. I need to see him. My life cannot go anywhere unless i do. I have been seriously stuck and i thought i d kill myself after i do it. My parents are ill equipped to handle any thoughts on the matter and i go to a shrink. But talking doesnt help you know. Im close to losing it and it makes me sad but at least im being true to my feelings here and not faking it and pretending to be okay. I have faked being happy, it feels far worse because when the blues hit, they hit harder. I am complacent now which at least is a stable moodset.
I obviously cannot just hang myself as my parents would die. I cannot go to saurabh because i have no money. He would fund it but then to pull it off would be close to impossible without my parents finding out. I just think i have to see the guy to be able to move an inch in any direction.
I cant read write or enjoy anythng maybe except food. Thats how low on motivation i am. I cant do one thing that is how stuck I am.
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Old 04-29-14, 10:15 PM   #2
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Hello rain87,

I am sorry you have yet again found another low time in your life. I too have BPD, & was diagnosed at 21, & am in my late twenties as well.

It took a lot of work for me to move forward & although I often feel pain, even on a daily basis, it can get better. I'm now working on a "Life Worth Living" Most of the time when I am in an emotional state, it's hard but I know to try not to believe what my mind is throwing at me, because it's usually not true. I have a close family member that has done a fair bit of research on the illness as well, & know me quite well, that I can call, & discuss what it is I am going through, & ask, "Is this BPD? or is it me?" "& what can I do about it, how can I change this pattern?"

Perhaps you have already been through this process, I always found doing group therapy REALLY helpful. Especially to see what others were going through that are like me. & getting idea's from one another on how to handle a situation.

I know what it is like when the mind is scrambling through the same thing over & over & over again. Such as the situation with your ex. You know it is not a healthy relationship, but you cannot help keep going back to it, because you feel it is your only connection to having someone that was once close, care for you & understand & support you in some way.

Quite a few years ago, I went cold turkey on a lot of destructive behaviors. & I've SLLLOWLLY been coming back into my own society..creating it rather. There are things I cannot control & never will be able to but being aware of why something is happening, so that I can take a different step. Learn a new perspective has immensely helped me out.

It was PAINFULLY hard to cut a lot of those behaviors, the biggest one, having men in my life, to make me feel good, because I didn't feel good, & having them there was like a drug because I was sooo very alone dealing with agoraphobia at the time. Not feeling capable of living. Seeing a guy, getting that HIT (figuratively), & than being left or used or whatever & always questioning, punching at the air so to speak. Feeling Much Much worse about ME afterwards. Even though I'd stop, it took my mind many years to get away from those feeling's. Filling the void. Figuring out what it is I ENJOY.

Even today, 6 almost 7 years later, I have major anxieties about getting involved with others. Dating. Having a relationship. How I want to be treated. How I need to treat another. Baby Steps. It doesn't all happen at once. Finding your own way. I found that I needed to cut ties with those that wanted me a certain way, so I could again, find my way.
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Old 08-10-14, 02:45 AM   #3
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I self diagnosed myself with BPD. I always felt like I was depressed or just unable to function properly growing up but the way I was raised made me look at getting help as being weak or dumb so I just battled it on my own, I came to a breaking point in 2010 at 24 when I researched my moods online and came up with BPD. I even bought a book on it and I have been on and off crazy ever since, lol. Reading your op confirmed my suspicions and self diagnosis years ago as I am also untrusting of relationships with others and have had very unstable job history. Hang in there!!! Sometimes things get worse before they get better. Read and study as much as you can on your own about yourself.
Pay attention to what people do and not what they say
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Old 08-24-14, 10:34 PM   #4
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Hi Rain87. I just found out that I probably have BPD from the other thread in this forum. But unlike you, I never seek professional help even though my life is a mess. I'm 28 and I studied psychology too, by the way. But I never got to finish it because well, my life was a train wreck and I just couldn't deal with it at the moment. You're lucky you still have supportive parents, girl. Mine, not so much. They would give me money but that is the limit of what they will do. They never understand or even tried to. I got married to get away from my parents but now years and two kids later, I'm having doubts if it is a good decision for me. Hang on in there, girl! There is a good future ahead of you. You're single, you have supportive parents, and you're close to graduating. If your boyfriend cheating on you, don't let him mess up your life. You have to grow a backbone and dump his sorry ass. Believe me, living with a selfish man is hell. Don't let yourself fall to that hole.

I wish you all the best in the world. Cheers!
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Old 09-20-14, 11:31 AM   #5
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Hey, Rain; I'm your age; I'm 26, and it's been about 10 years for me too that I don't have my shit together. Longer, in a way, since I was never the best at school and had my own reasons for being a social disaster. I was diagnosed at age 20 with BPD.

I used to eat for stimulation because I was anxious and depressed and felt nauseated because I had eaten too much and still kept stuffing my face.

Tell me about your parents being fed up; elaborate; I want to hear this and see how to help and whether I have the same problem.

WinnerButLoner: Do you mean that BPD is all of herself? Not always so with someone with BPD or anything. :)
But every lesson's a blessin, no stressin... ~Cherine Anderson

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. ~Ronald Reagan
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