Anger
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Anger

This is a discussion on Anger within the Personality Disorders forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; I don't know if this is the right forum to post about this, but I am angry all the time, ...

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Old 04-15-21, 01:32 PM   #1
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I don't know if this is the right forum to post about this, but I am angry all the time, and getting angrier every day, to point of rage that is seething inside me. I think you can't get angrier and angrier and angrier every day without something eventually happening, but I don't know what or when. I think it comes from despair. I am unable to convince myself (and other people have been unable to convince me) that the things that are making me feel this way will get any better, and I realize thinking that way makes change even less likely, but I've tried to change my thinking about this and I just can't.

I know that these days when someone snaps, a lot of people say "Don't try to make excuses for them" but what if before someone snaps, they tell anyone who is willing to listen, "Hey, I'm about to snap"? I've told many people that, and despite what they say, most people don't actually care about how you feel-- they only care if you make some kind of actual threat. That's the only time they will swing into action and bring all of their resources to bear-- not when you're telling them about the pain, the misery, the horrible things you're dealing with-- only if it might affect them in some way. And their action would just be to lock you up, so whatever you are going through can no longer affect them. Who cares if it still affects you? From their perspective, problem solved.

There's no true sympathy, no empathy-- they might have fear of you, or they may look at you like you are a bad and/or dangerous person, but it doesn't matter to them whether that's who you really are, or whether the things that have happened to you could bring even the nicest, sweetest, most wonderful person to that point. Because most people (especially those in a position to help) don't actually have a real interest in helping. They don't care.

And that just makes me even angrier.
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Old 04-15-21, 11:14 PM   #2
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Hey HangingOn.

I think you're right. Most people don't care. In a sense. I'll elaborate.
I think most people mean well and a vast majority of people wouldn't want you to be hurt, or be feeling the way you are feeling. But if they have to lift a finger to change that, all motivation saps away.

It takes a truly good person to step in and take the time and say, "Hey, I want to help you."

It takes a competent person to actually be able to help you at all.

And that seems pretty rare.

Though there are billions of people alive, and a rarity along billions is still millions, even at an extremely low estimate.

I would agree that none of this excuses lashing out at anyone.
An illness is not anyone's fault, per se.

And it's possible that in your situation, the way TO help you would be to "lock you up" however temporarily.
If you need to be prevented from hurting or endangering others, then that is to your benefit as well. You would be stopped from doing something you would later regret. Especially if it's something you feel is likely to actually happen.

I think you should ask yourself: Do you want that to happen?

Surely you don't, but you should say that in your own words.

You should also ask yourself what value this anger serves. I think you should write down that you don't want to be angry, and the reasons you shouldn't be angry. Which I know sounds stupid, but I think it's worth trying. Part of the reason so many people can't help even if they wanted to is because this sort of thing is like a battle in the mind. It's really hard to step in to someone's subconscious and fix that. Most people could only tell you what has worked for them, and that's even if they truly understood what you're going through.

Therapy can also help, but depending on where you are, may be difficult to access.

Feel free to talk more about the despair that you feel here, if it's the root of your anger. It might help you to understand it yourself, and myself or someone here might be able to help as well.

Good luck. Hope you feel better soon.
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Old 04-16-21, 10:36 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daftone View Post
And it's possible that in your situation, the way TO help you would be to "lock you up" however temporarily.
If you need to be prevented from hurting or endangering others, then that is to your benefit as well. You would be stopped from doing something you would later regret. Especially if it's something you feel is likely to actually happen.

I think you should ask yourself: Do you want that to happen?

Surely you don't, but you should say that in your own words.
I think I've changed a lot in the last 5 years. The old me would be horrified and repulsed by what I think and feel now. I was against hurting even people who theoretically deserved it, let alone risking hurting the people I care about from the fallout. But now? At best, I feel absolutely nothing when I think about what could happen. I've changed so much that now it doesn't matter to me who it hurts, not even those closest to me. And on a regular basis the thought of hurting the people who have hurt me is one of the few things that brings me a good feeling.... and I get angrier at myself every day for NOT doing it. I've lost all sense of empathy, all sense of caring. That's how warped I've become over these past 5 years. So I guess the answer is I do want it to happen. I didn't used to be that way, but that's how I am now.

Quote:
Feel free to talk more about the despair that you feel here, if it's the root of your anger. It might help you to understand it yourself, and myself or someone here might be able to help as well.
It's something that's been years in the making. I've had my children taken away from me. Our relationship obliterated. I've had lies told about me. I've had the system used against me. And the irony is, the lies are getting closer to being true now. They did what they did because they were confident I was no threat; that once they used the system and won their victory, I would have no choice but to accept it, because they knew I wasn't the kind of person who ever stepped outside the system. And that was true. But I want to change that about myself now, and inside I can feel it already has. It's just a question of being able to act on it and put aside the fear of the consequences.

I can't count how many people have said to me "Just wait till your children are older, they'll realize they were lied to." Why? Let's say for the sake of argument we get in contact when they get to be teenagers or adults. If everyone in their life has been telling them the same thing for 15-20 years about one person who they barely know, why would they believe that one person over all of their family and friends?

Because I'm nice to them? We all know people can pretend to be nice, so I wouldn't want or expect my children to trust someone they had been warned about by those closest to them, just because that person appears to be nice.

So I think it's unreasonable for anyone to expect me to hold on to that as a reason to hope, a reason to keep going, keep playing by the rules, keep enduring this for that length of time... especially if they understood what I have experienced for the last 5 years and continue to experience every day. People say that kind of stuff because there's nothing else they can say, but if they were in the same situation, I doubt they would be able to say to themselves, "That sounds reasonable, that's a reason to keep going."
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Old 04-16-21, 07:02 PM   #4
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No, I don't think your children would change their mind JUST because you're nice to them.

There could be many reasons to change their mind.
The first is that it's a lot easier to tell the truth than it is to spin lies.
Maybe this other person won inside of a system, but the thing about systems is that when the truth doesn't win, I would expect that there's a chain of technicalities as to why it didn't, and a list of valid reasons as to why it should have. The advantage that you have there is that real life is distinguishable from that system and those technicalities don't always apply when it comes to changing someone's mind.

Another reason your kids could change their minds is that... Well, it's just not that unheard of that a teenager or adult would break the conditioning put upon them by one (or in some cases both) of their parents, and end up hating that parent instead. Both of my fiancée's parents were shitty like that. Anyway, when that happens the blowback on the other parent is usually huge, and your kids will have many things in common with you by default, but one thing that this situation would give them is the shared pain of being manipulated and separated from each other.

The reality is that webs of lies are difficult to maintain over 15-20 years by one person let alone multiple. People trip over each other. It's the same reason a detective would separate two suspects in an interrogation. If they tell stories that are inconsistent, that works in your favour.
Even if only one person is the actual source of the lie, people often trip over their own lies. Especially if you get them talking long enough. 15 to 20 years is a very long time to expect someone to stick to one infallible lie.

If losing your children hurt you enough to remain so angry about It, and if they matter to you, I don't see why you would ever act in a way that ensures you've lost them forever. That's at least one consequence I'd expect you to be afraid of.

And you say you've lost all sense of caring.
If that were true, I don't think you'd be angry at yourself for choosing not to hurt someone who hurt you. I don't think that reflects apathy. A person who truly didn't care would see no reason to even think about any of this.

I think you're in a lot of pain. I wouldn't wish what happened to you onto anyone.

And no, I don't think it's reasonable to tell you that you should suffer for any length of time on the chance that someone else might change their mind about you.
I don't think you deserve to suffer.
Maybe you can find other people who have gone through what you have, maybe even on this site. I do hope that you can find something to keep you going. Life is vast and full of memories, good and bad, as well as reasons to keep going. I don't think any of this inherently stops you from making more good ones and finding new reasons. I just think you have to want to, first.

Feel free to keep sharing here. I or someone else might think of something more helpful.
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