The Agony of BPD
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The Agony of BPD

This is a discussion on The Agony of BPD within the Personality Disorders forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; I was never officially diagnosed Borderline, but I have all the symptoms. One therapist suggested I appear to fit the ...

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Old 12-18-14, 04:40 AM   #1
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Default The Agony of BPD

I was never officially diagnosed Borderline, but I have all the symptoms. One therapist suggested I appear to fit the borderline bill, but I'm a complicated and difficult guy to diagnose, and I dropped out of therapy after only a few months.

This much I can say. It's a living hell inside my head almost 24/7. I'm terrified of being rejected, betrayed or abandoned. I can't bear being alone for long. I crave companionship yet I have no friends or GF and I've been almost completely alone for the past 5 years. In fact most of my life I've been alone with no friends. And yet I'm scared to become deeply attached, because I'm convinced everyone will hurt and abandon me. I don't trust anyone anymore. I've been hurt badly in the past, mostly by women, so I harbor enormous distrust toward the opposite sex.

I easily become enamored with women, as well as overly attached, needy, and dependent on them in times of stress. For example if a female friend or lover says she'll call one day and doesn't, or if I'm having a serious problem and I'm scared, and she won't answer the phone, in my mind I'm convinced she's rejecting my friendship and abandoning me. Deliberately betraying my affection in a cruel sadistic manner.

I can become quite angry, distressed, depressed, and frantic. Then I usually binge drink or self-harm to cope. Other times I'll react by flying into a rage and cuss the person out to release my fear and anger and protect my fragile ego. And then of course the friendship is over. I'll feel horribly alone, guilty and suicidally depressed after that, but it seems like I had no choice but to destroy our friendship, because it's better than feeling like a victim and a chump who got burned yet again.

Most people feel lonely from time to time. But with me it's a chronic agonizing soul-crushing emptiness inside. Deep profound sadness, sorrow and loneliness beyond words. A terrifying black hellish abyss. I feel as if I'm a small child wandering lost and completely alone on some dark faraway planet or moon in deep space. Lost, alone and frightened in the cold foggy forest, the only living creature within a billion light years.

I can become very delusional and psychotic at times. Vivid visuals play in my head. I create entire movies in my mind, replete with smells and sad heartbreaking background music. Painful memories plague me, and often become part of the main theme. Ghosts from my distant past become characters resurrected to haunt me in that dark place.

I often get panicky and frantic for human companionship, but I'm so introverted and effed up in the head I make no attempt to socialize. The only way I've ever been able to cope is to drink. With the women I've dated, I could never truly express what I was experiencing. I've never known a woman who was understanding enough to handle my intense sorrow, emptiness, neediness and fear of rejection. Women want a strong confident self-reliant man, not a wimpy clingy emotional wreck. So I hide my feelings and pretend to be a tough guy in control, while inside I'm frequently falling apart.

Also I've had several narcissists friends and GFs and I suspect my mother is NPD as well. Those "friends" and lovers in my life didn't give a damn about my feelings and would often invalidate or mock me, and shut me out completely when I began sharing my deeper emotions or pain. So for decades I've been unable to express my true feelings with almost everyone in my life. Some of them might have listened to my words, but a genuine intimate emotional connection wasn't there.

The earliest recollection I have of displaying possible borderline symptoms was maybe age 4 or 5. I can still remember one particular night, I was crying for my mother. She was entertaining guests in another room and ignored me completely. I wailed and caterwauled hysterically for hours on end, petrified she'd abandoned me. I can still hear her laughter echoing to this day. In my distraught infant mind I was convinced she was mocking me with her laughter. Haha I have abandoned you boy, I don't love or want you anymore, and I'm laughing about it with my new friends! It seems like that painful moment is forever burned into my brain. I'll forever be that terrified weeping child deep inside.

Despite all this, I'm actually not a wimpy or cowardly man. I've endured many great hardships alone, and I rarely have help or support from anyone. I've worked some of the toughest jobs in America, side by side with the biggest meanest roughnecks on earth. To accomplish that I had to develop a very thick skin, and I adapted largely by learning to generate a false persona. Observing and mimicking the tough dude's attitude. But inside, that scared little boy is always just under the surface trying to drag me down.

I've never been treated for BPD, like with DBT, partly because I've lived a life on the move, and was forced to abandon treatment before we ever got that far. Most doctors have diagnosed me bipolar, and that may apply as well, but recently I've come to the conclusion BPD is more the culprit than anything else. It would explain damn near everything about me and my life. All the risky, reckless, impulsive, destructive behavior, self-harm, self-loathing, enormous guilt and shame, chronic emptiness and boredom, shattered relationships, wild mood swings, psychosis, substance abuse and so on.

I wouldn't wish BPD on my worst enemy. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You can't bear the endless loneliness, yet you can't maintain romantic relationships or keep friends for long. BPD feels like a wicked curse. Life without love or friends is a fate worse than death imo. But that is probably the only life I will ever know.
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Old 12-18-14, 12:18 PM   #2
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Sorry need to rush now, and this is long text, i promise to read it and reply to it as much as i can when i come back (2h from now).

I just dont want you to feel ignored so till then, hugs.
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Old 12-18-14, 04:00 PM   #3
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Wow i am awfully sorry to hear about all of this!!!

Trust me go have a treatment and fall the one you are given. Work on fixing yourself. You can be what you wish to be. YOu can feel better!!!

I cant imagine how hard it is to feel like that for sooo long. Dont let your mind bully you, like it did with that scenario with mother!! Do whatever you can to fix it. I know it is hard, it is always hard, but motivate yourself. Tell yourself you are done with feeling this way!!! And put 300% effort into it and you really will make it.

Stay safe best wishes.
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Old 12-23-14, 09:14 PM   #4
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Observing and mimicking the tough dude's attitude.

I watch people too, so that I can ...be like them... or seem it.

I am your post.

I need group so badly right now.

The frantic feeling is the worst.

Is there a way you can get back into DBT, & commit to it for 1-2 years? & stay put? by putting your career on hold for your own mental health?

I have to hide myself too. I tend to lean to extremes, for years I would not say much to anyone, for fear of rejection in groups. I've had jobs where I did very well, because I did not have to speak with anyone, now I'm doing something completely different, & I HAVE to talk with just about everyone & I'm crumbling.

Your post remind me of my posts. BPD is a balance we need to learn.

All the best to you.
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Old 02-10-15, 07:09 PM   #5
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Hang in there guys! Its tough! I practice and work so hard at it and I still slip.
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Old 03-03-15, 02:58 AM   #6
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Hey there, I noticed after a long time of absence that you replied to my post about making people understand BPD. I'll thank you for that first, and I decided to instead reply to yours.

I'm sorry all of these things happened to you and I know quite well how it feels to live with that nagging voice in your head and the uncontrollable feelings. The worst part I've had to deal with was almost a year ago now. I had a bunch of friends I was attached to and now I hate all of them. The biggest issue there was that I felt nobody understood me and they were all rude to me and my girlfriend. Since then I've basically only been spending time with my girlfriend, her brother and like three friends maybe. That's a lot better to me. I think that's the balance you want. You don't need everybody to like you, you just need that handful of people you can trust, and I'm pretty sure the people on this forum will be here for you (more often than I will be, I'm afraid) when needed (and even when not actually needed).
The only thing I needed to do was to get treatment and have the therapist tell me how to tell others what is going on. He told me that I can stabilize the situation and work with it, live with it, but that the issue will never really go away. I get so angry and upset whenever people say that BPD is just like a minor PD that belongs to another PD (PTSD ie.) and especially that it can be completely resolved as if nothing every happened. That's not true! People can learn to live with it, but it will never be gone completely and the spreading of such incorrect information makes it only harder for us.
But it's good that you understand that you have these issues and acknolowdge what happened to you. Then you can work on it and learn to live with it.

tl;dr: You're going through a lot, but it's good that you understand it yourself. From there on you can work on it and live with it. If you can accept yourselves, it becomes easier to explain yourself to others and accept them (and in turn for them to accept you).
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