a very long time ago, a six year old girl fell into the deep end of the pool. I think I might be her dying dream.
It was me, sort of, if I am the dream. I figured it out today, in the midst of emotional pain.
she was out with her dad and sisters, and they went to a company picnic. it was super hot outside, the sidewalk was hot. Her dad put her in a tree with her sisters on the way to the pool, because their feet were burning. then he set them on the edge of a pool, to cool their feet while he got towels. she looked across the pool and saw little kids jumping up and down and told her sisters" we can jump in, the other kids' heads are over the water" they said no, it was too deep. but she argued and had no fear. and she slid into the pool
her head didn't come back up.
in the water, it was beautiful aqua blue. she was suspended but sinking and still she had no fear. the sunlight reflecting on the walls of the pool looked like silver seagulls flying along side of her.
and she was smiling at how beautiful it was. no fear, just silence and the seagulls. everything was bright, then it started to dim.
then a lady with a swim cap scooped her up and brought her to the surface. and then pain and fear began.
but what if there was no lady? what if she actually drowned and my entire life was just her dying dream?
then none of the pain, physical or mental has been real.
this little girl was born with crooked legs and hips. she had casts on them as a toddler. I have her baby memories.
my legs are straight. I had kids with no problems because my pelvis is normal too.
people have lucid dreams all the time. since she was so young, and hadn't had much life yet, maybe this was generated for her. The painful aspects, everything ,to give her the life she missed out on.
so now that I find myself a dream, it can be a lucid dream.
yeah, sort of sounds like the matrix, realizing that reality wasn't real.
dreams feel real sometimes, people have bad dreams and shout in their sleep or laugh even, when they have a funny dream.
so my life is but a dream, a very complicated, tear inducing, love and anger and fear filled dream.
and now that I know, it makes me happy.