Umm hello. I thought i would write down and try to understand if im in a mental disorder in anyway or am i just making it in my mind. And if i do have it, i am not sure which one that would be so making a thread in depression section would be stupid if i had anxiety problems.
So, i guess i will start from very start of all the problems- or where i think it does.
As a kid, i had a pretty happy family with a pretty nice incoming. We always did stuff together, i spent my time with my both parents or with each of them seperately. It was all fine with my family. But to be honest, even at those days i had something bugging off my mind. Which four years old would be thinking about what if life is real or not for hours?
I also had friends. But always felt like third wheel of the group. That wasn't because of self esteem, since i had a pretty much high of it those days. I just felt like... i didn't belong with them. Like they can't understand me you know?
Then we had a financial crisis and moved. Now both mom and dad was always working and was always too tired or busy for me. And the part of the town we lived wasn't the best so they didn't want me be friends with most of my classmates. I remember that i talked with my Winx posters those days to have some company and relief. Even if it hurt so, i always kept a happy face and tried cheering them up.
Then we moved many times, like once in 2 or 3 years. Our crisis ended and mom started to work at a village as a nurse, we started living at a heath house (It is like two normal size house combined and one side of it is where we lived and other side of the door was where mom treated patients.) so mom started to having time for me again. That was nice thing to have, but unfortunetaly i started to have problems with kids at my class.
I did nothing wrong. I never said a bad thing to them. I even gave any help i could. But only thing wrong was i was just loner type. And they kept abusing me because of it. I started to have emotional breakdown, started to half unleash at students that pissed me off- or rather abused me- but refrained myself from doing it since i got a fobby of hurting people. (i used to slash other kids face as a kid, that was until mom hit me pretty hard for it. And that was the only time ever she hit me. So i never could hurt anyone since no matter what they did.)
We moved and moved and moved. And i started to highschool. My class is a nerd type of class since i got pretty high grades despite the fact i rarely study- i just a have a pretty good memory so only triggering stuff the night before the exam is enough studying for me- and i don't really have much problem here. Of course a few girls from higher grades mocked me some, but still not as bad as at my other schools. This year i even started to get along with some of my friends.
While it was getting better at school, it was getting worse at home. Dad was starting to drink more and more again. And with me starting getting out of my depression, i guess he kinda envied it. Or why else would he start talking about past stuff that were like a trauma for me that i forgot finally every night he drunk? He kept telling them and being the soft heart i am, i just listened even if they hurt. Then mom finally stopped him from doing so, seeing how sad they were making me. And by the start of this summer, he got worse, saying he want to run away. He said that at the times we had a bankrupt and we were chased by mafia so yeah. Being scared by that, mom went to banks she had credit cards on and learned dad used like 55 thousand Liras (which would be approximately 25 thousand dollars or so?) just from her accs. She paid them with selling a field and garden that is left from grandpa to pay most of it and she is still paying left. They nearly divorced but somehow they are together again now. Mom had made me decide to whenever dad should stay or not, saying it is my decision. It felt quite heavy to shoulder actually. With dad trying to scare me saying he won't play family or might not show up at important days of me. After i said thats fine and he is free to whatever he wishes, he finally came back to home saying he will try to be better. Now he knows he will be kicked out if he acts bad to mom or makes a big ruckuss from small stuff.
Other than friends, and bankrupt stuff, i think the most of the reasons i have problems is dad. When he got angry, he always said he doesn't trust me and he will never be or stuff like im a big liar. And as a kid, my biggest fear ever was losing their trusts. He would apologize back later but it left scars. I was a pretty blunt kid. But as i grow up, dad started to get mad to me for asking stuff i didn't understand because i was accidentally spacing out. With this said, i was a pretty free to ask and explore kid so it was hardsh to suddenly have dad angry to me for basic stuff. Then i learned to not the talk that much or ask. Then i started to draw myself inside more.
Also why i created my happy go lucky girl attitude was thanks to dad as well. He is that kind of sadomazochist that cares about all people and so nice at outside but once at home, can turn life to a living hell for me and mom. (and no there is no physical abuse here since mom would beat him worse than he could ever imagine. Just emotional but that doesn't mean it hurts less.) He always tried to look good to people and teached me to do so and with my all problems and his sudden anger attitude combined, i became a trapped inside her imagination world and refuses to exit girl for years. Now i started slipping out little by little from it.
Also, i had kinda similiar to anxiety attack kind of moments after those moments with dad, when i was in bed. I would think too much and feel like im turning crazy, can't cry feeling like i can't hold it in and in the end i would end up choking, making strange voices that can't be called crying and maybe tears would spill and maybe not.
I also started not caring about world, school etc. But still kept my grades up because i had a feeling that once its done, i don't want to regret. Other than that, i would feel empty, think why do i even exist, feel like doing nothing and nothing is worth trying to do. And would sometimes try to draw it away with drawing, playing etc. Typical depression and half hearted self attempt to get over it i guess?
There is lots of more things, but what im asking is help for diagnose my problem. Or if there is any problem at all. I might be just thinking i have a real disorder after spending too much time with talking people thats have it, but im not sure... I could use a hand so please....